5 Red Flags that You Might be in a Toxic Relationship

We are in toxic times, and there’s toxicity everywhere. The Bible even says that in the last days, people will be lovers of themselves. They will be lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, brutal, slanderous, treacherous, conceited lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of good.  And the list goes on.

The reality is, with the times that we’re in, it is becoming more and more inevitable to find ourselves in toxic relationships.

So, how do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?

5 Red Flags that You are in a Toxic Relationship

What is toxicity? Toxicity comes from the word “toxicus,” which means poison.  Just as chemicals are poisonous to our bodies when we inhale them, so are toxic people and environments dangerous to our health—emotionally, spiritually and physically— if we are continuously exposed to them. Just as chemical vapours are invisible to the naked eye, yet lethal to our health, so toxicity is difficult to see, but kills just as insidiously.

When I refer to a toxic person, I’m not talking about someone in your life who messes up from time to time, who may have issues, but is working on them. I’m talking about someone who has a pattern of thinking and behaving that causes damage to you emotionally, spiritually or physically—which they are not willing to change.

So here are five signs that you may be in a toxic relationship:

#1 – You are walking on eggshells around this person

You don’t feel free to be yourself. You’re turning yourself into a pretzel so that what you say or do or don’t say or don’t do doesn’t get taken the wrong way. You just feel like you’re on edge, which is often the norm more than the exception when you are around this person.

#2 – There are no boundaries, or your boundaries are always getting pushed

There is an adage that says, “Give an inch, and they take a mile,” which is the dynamic with toxic people. These people cannot hear you when you say no.  They either get upset or enraged. They interpret your “boundary setting” as something you are doing wrong against them. You could end up being accused of being a problematic or inflexible person, or someone unkind or selfish.

#3 – You are often put down or criticized

Ask yourself, when you’re with this person, what is your experience of yourself?  Do you regularly come away from an interaction with this person feeling worse about yourself than when you went in?

When you are in a toxic relationship, there are often putdowns, criticisms, jabs, or sarcasm.  And when you raise an objection or don’t like it and say something about it, somehow you come out as being the “high maintenance” or overly sensitive person to be around. The toxic person in your life may point out your faults, and if they are covert, they may do it under the guise of “wanting to help you with your issues.” It’s all about them taking focus away from themselves.

A lot of times, toxic people have issues with shame.  They project their issues onto you, so they don’t have to feel their shame.

#4 – The toxic person uses guilt and manipulation

You feel like what you do is never good enough, which results in the other person putting you through guilt trips, expressing anger, or pointing out all your faults. If you reveal your feelings, the person gets upset at you or retaliates against you, even though they were the ones being hurtful towards you in the first place. They may behave in all sorts of ways to provoke you, and when you call them on it, suddenly you’re the one that has the problem. They may turn the tables around, making themselves out to be the victim, and you the perpetrator—the one who is acting unreasonably.  All these tactics carry an undercurrent of manipulation. 

There is a form of manipulation called “gaslighting.” Gaslighting is where a person manipulates you to the point where you doubt your perception of reality. For example, someone may provoke you through passive-aggressive means by rejecting you or giving you the silent treatment.

If you react, then they make you out to be this overly sensitive or wounded person while denying that they had any part to play in how you responded.

# 5 –  Not taking responsibility

If this person does not take ownership of their issues or how their issues contribute to the relationship’s problems, you might be with a toxic person.  If they’re blame-shifting and rarely taking responsibility for their actions, that is not a good sign.

A person who cannot acknowledge or see where they have contributed to the issues is not likely to change.

How can you change what you don’t see?

A person unwilling to take responsibility is likely not open to feedback or constructive criticism, which means they’re not looking to grow, develop themselves, or become better. They’re more interested in protecting themselves from shame. But the truth is, they can’t have it both ways.

Someone who uses their emotional and spiritual resources to run away from shame cannot then channel those same resources to growing in wisdom or becoming more self-aware. These people end up going through life unconsciously or “asleep at the wheel.”

If you are in a relationship with someone where these dynamics are present, there is a good chance you are with a toxic person. 

Contrast a Toxic Personality with God’s Personality

The Bible says God is compassionate, long-suffering and slow to anger. Remember that.  God is slow to get angry. He is not like most humans who can get easily irritated or annoyed.  Someone toxic gets angry quickly and gives full vent to their anger, which is contrary to God’s personality.

God will not punish you or be vindictive with you to make you pay for all your faults. When God forgives, he also forgets.  He says, “as far as the East is from the West so far, has he removed our sins from us.” But someone toxic tends to remind us of our wrongdoings and never seems to forget them.

You are created in the image of God. When someone jabs you, they’re doing it to God. When someone persecutes you, they are doing it to God. Remember when Saul was on the road to Damascus, and God confronted him? God didn’t say, “Why are you persecuting all the Christians? He said, “Why are you persecuting me?” God took it very personally. When someone is cruel or hurtful to you, God takes it very personally. You are God’s child.

Remember that God’s personality is radically different from the toxic person’s personality.  Every human being is called to emulate God’s personality.

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Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting