Are you questioning your sanity? Do you feel like you are always at fault in your relationship but aren't sure why? Those are classic effects of narcissistic abuse. But if you can't put your finger on what is going on, is it really abuse?

Good question. Let's talk it through.

Not all narcissists fit the boastful, attention-seeking, larger-than-life profile portrayed in popular culture; if they did, it would be easier to identify abuse. Covert narcissists operate behind a veil of victimhood and subtlety and can leave the actual victims of their manipulation doubting their sense of reality. Because covert narcissists aren't as showy as overt narcissists, their abuse can be much harder to detect, but it leaves deep and lingering scars.

In this blog, I'll discuss the complex and elusive nature of covert narcissistic abuse. By the end of this blog, you'll

• Be able to identify subtle, covert abuse,
• Understand how covert narcissistic abuse works,
• Have the steps to reclaim your identity from the clutches of manipulative tactics.

Understanding these dynamics is the foundation of healing. In the words of the Bible, people perish for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). This knowledge protects you from the destructive effects of covert narcissism. Once you recognize its signs, you can begin dismantling the web of deception around you, break free from crippling cycles of self-doubt and empower yourself to stand in the truth.

Overt vs. Covert Narcissism

As briefly mentioned above, the narcissist we usually think of is outwardly arrogant, grandiose, and attention-seeking. That's what we call overt narcissism. But there's another side to the narcissism coin, one that's less showy but equally damaging – covert narcissism.

Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists don't openly showcase their self-importance. Instead, they operate subtly, often flying under the radar with their manipulations. They are masters of passive aggression. They frequently play the victim and use indirect methods to control and undermine others. They may not loudly demand your attention, but they crave it nonetheless and have unique methods for getting it.

Here are a few illustrative examples of how a covert narcissist affects relationships.

1. The Covert Narcissist as a Hidden Iceberg: While an overt narcissist might be likened to a visible mountain dominating the landscape, a covert narcissist is more like an iceberg. Only a tiny portion of their behavior is visible above the waterline, but the enormity of their manipulative actions remains hidden beneath the surface.

2. The Covert Narcissist as a Slow-Acting Poison: If narcissistic abuse is like poison, overt narcissistic abuse is a direct, fast-acting venom, but the effects of covert narcissism are slow-acting. While you might not notice the effects for some time, the harm gradually becomes apparent as your mental and emotional health deteriorates with time.

3. The Covert Narcissist as a Thief in the Night: While an overt narcissist might be compared to a bold, daylight robber, the covert narcissist operates more like a thief in the night, slipping under the radar and often going undetected until the damage is already done.

4. The Covert Narcissist as a Snake in the Grass: An overt narcissist may be like a charging bull, obvious and confronting. In contrast, a covert narcissist is more like a snake in the grass - they blend into your environment, sneak up on you subtly, and often strike when least expected.

5. The Covert Narcissist as a Submarine: Covert narcissists operate like submarines, silently avoiding detection beneath the surface. The overt narcissist, with all their show, is loud and visible, like a battleship.

How Covert Narcissistic Abuse Works

The ability of a covert narcissist to remain undetected while subtly influencing your thoughts, feelings, and actions makes them extremely dangerous. Their mastery of the silent treatment, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting can leave those closest to them feeling insecure, on edge, and questioning their sanity. By doing all this without you being aware, the covert narcissist can make you wonder whether the problem lies with you or them. If the person on your mind matches the description of a covert narcissist, trust me, the problem is not you; it's them.

Getting this clarity is a game-changer. Now that you can identify covert narcissistic behavior for what it is, you can begin to heal, regain your confidence, and reclaim your life from the shadows of this insidious form of abuse.

So, now that we understand the critical differences between overt and covert narcissism, let's delve deeper into the traits of covert narcissists and how to recognize if you're being subjected to this kind of manipulation.

Here are the key traits to look out for:

1. Passive-Aggression

Covert narcissists might not openly express their contempt or hostility. Instead, they use indirect, passive-aggressive ways to express their anger or resentment. One classic example is their use of seemingly harmless humor or teasing. For example, imagine you're at a social gathering. With a smile, the covert narcissist might make a seemingly 'funny' comment about a mistake you've made in the past or a personal insecurity you've confided in them about. It's framed as a joke, making everyone laugh, but for you, it's a painful reminder. It's a passive-aggressive way to belittle you in public, yet done so subtly that objecting to it might make you look overly sensitive. You've likely decided not to bring up incidents like this for fear of looking petty or insecure.

Other indirect expressions include giving you the silent treatment, making snide comments, or 'forgetting' things that are important to you. By disguising their actions as innocent or accidental, covert narcissists can get away with subtly insulting you. You're left with a sting, but you find yourself doubting whether it was intended or just in your head. All these passive-aggressive methods are moves in a strategic game to create doubt and self-questioning in you. With each move they make, they gain more control.

2. Hypersensitivity

Covert narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism, no matter how constructive. They perceive it as a personal attack and often react with defensiveness or retaliation. Before long, after repeated patterns of you bringing something up or offering feedback and being shut down, attacked, or criticized back, you learn that it's not worth the attempt. This classic sign of covert narcissism leaves you walking on eggshells.

3. Playing the Victim.

Covert narcissists are experts at turning situations around to make themselves appear as the victim, no matter the circumstance. Even when they've clearly done something wrong, they'll twist the narrative so they come off as the injured party. Remember, their world revolves around themselves. A scenario could be as simple as forgetting your birthday. Instead of apologizing, they might turn it around, saying, 'I've been under so much stress, and you don't seem to appreciate my efforts.' Suddenly, you're left comforting them instead of addressing your hurt feelings.

4. Emotional Manipulation.

Emotional manipulation is a signature covert narcissistic trait. They have an uncanny ability to stir up emotions that can lead you to question your own perceptions, often creating drama to position themselves as the center of attention. They may also use guilt-tripping as a method to gain sympathy and control. Consider a case where they make a mistake, and instead of owning it, they say something like, 'You're always so quick to point out my faults. Can't you see how much I'm struggling?' It's a tactic designed to deflect blame and make you feel guilty for calling them out.

5. Gaslighting:

One of the most damaging tactics used in this cycle is gaslighting. It's a psychological manipulation technique where the narcissist makes you question your perception of reality. Comments like, 'you're too sensitive,' or 'you're misremembering things,' are classic gaslighting. The aim? To sow seeds of doubt, making you reliant on them for what's 'true,' leading to confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of self-esteem. Gaslighting can be subtle, but its effects are profound. If you've ever found yourself questioning your memory, your judgment, or even your sanity in a relationship, know this: It's not you; it's gaslighting.

To recap, covert narcissistic abuse often manifests as passive aggression, hypersensitivity, victim-playing, emotional manipulation, and gaslighting. These signs may not be as blatant as overt narcissism, but they can be equally, if not more, damaging.

Recognizing these behaviors for what they are is the first step towards breaking free from their control. It's not about blaming; it's about gaining clarity and empowering ourselves to navigate these complex dynamics. The more we understand, the better we can protect our emotional health and well-being.

Recognizing Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Covert narcissistic relationships often follow a pattern typically known as the cycle of 'idealization, devaluation, and discard.' This cycle can leave you feeling like you're on an emotional rollercoaster, constantly trying to regain the initial high while grappling with sudden drops.

The Idealization Phase:

The 'idealization' phase is the dawn of your journey, whether you're a woman seeing your prayers seemingly answered in the form of a loving husband, a friend relishing a seemingly deep bond, or a colleague basking in unexpected praise from a coworker. The covert narcissist places you on a pedestal, lavishing you with affection, attention, and adoration, making you feel cherished and seen. For instance, a husband may surprise you with thoughtful gifts or sweet notes of love; a friend might prioritize spending quality time with you, expressing appreciation for your shared connection; or a colleague may acknowledge your contributions publicly, giving you a sense of validation and accomplishment.

But too soon, clouds roll in. The sunrise vanishes like a shooting star. The covert narcissist's focus isn't on who you truly are but on how your love, admiration, and respect serve as wind for their ego's sails. They are drawn to the reflection of themselves they see in your admiring eyes, a reflection that boosts their self-esteem and satisfies their need for validation.

The Devaluation Phase:

As we descend into the 'devaluation' phase, the once clear skies of the 'idealization' phase become overcast with uncertainty and emotional turmoil. The covert narcissist - be it a friend, colleague, parent, or even your adult child -- begins to chip away at your self-esteem with a series of passive-aggressive comments, veiled criticisms, and disguised insults.

This could look like a friend who once celebrated your achievements now underplays them or compares them to others, leaving you feeling less than. Or, in another context, a colleague who praised your ideas now questions your judgment or subtly takes credit for your work, sowing seeds of doubt in your abilities. A family member may resort to guilt-tripping, creating a sense of obligation, or using your love for them as a weapon for manipulation. An adult child might make you feel inadequate as a parent, pointing out your perceived failures or accusing you of not doing enough. On the other hand, a parent may pull on the strings of familial duty, demanding your attention and time, often at the expense of your own needs.

As you navigate the turbulent waters of the 'devaluation' phase, you may find yourself yearning for the calm of the 'idealization' phase, attempting to restore the peace that was. Unfortunately, this is like trying to stem the tide amidst the waves of doubt and confusion.

The Discard Phase:

The 'discard' phase is where the covert narcissist seems to suddenly change the course, leaving you adrift. It plays out in different ways across all types of relationships.

In a marital bond, the narcissistic spouse might become emotionally detached and uninterested, possibly moving on to a new source of admiration and attention, perhaps another person. You are left feeling abandoned, with the echo of their affections ringing hollow.

With friendships, the friend who was once your cheerleader now becomes a stranger. Calls are left unanswered, and messages unread. They may replace your bond with new friendships, leaving you feeling betrayed and forgotten.

The boss or colleague who once praised you now seems uninterested in your contributions at the workplace. You may feel sidelined, your achievements overlooked, as they seek new stars to boost their own standing.

In a parental relationship, the parent may withdraw their attention and affection, leaving you feeling bereft and unloved. An adult child may detach emotionally, focusing their attention on new interests and leaving you feeling neglected.

The 'Discard' phase can be a harsh jolt of reality, leaving you feeling used and discarded. This idealization, devaluation, and discard pattern is not a linear progression but a relentless cycle. Once the covert narcissist needs their ego inflated again, they return to the 'idealization' phase, instigating a new round of the cycle.

Yet, it's essential to recognize that this phase is not a reflection of your worth but a symptom of the narcissist's cyclical pattern of behavior. It's like being caught in a whirlpool, constantly being sucked back into the current just as you think you've reached calmer waters. It's a dance where the narcissist leads, changing the rhythm without warning, and you're left scrambling to keep pace. This fluctuation between idealization, devaluation, and discard creates a turbulent environment, leaving you perpetually off-balance, second-guessing yourself, and scrambling to restore what once seemed like a perfect relationship.

Remember, this is their pattern, not your destiny. Recognizing these stages is the first step towards breaking free from the cycle, taking back control, and navigating toward healthier shores.

The Effects of Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Common emotional reactions to covert narcissistic abuse include confusion, guilt, and shame. You might feel responsible for their happiness and find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, exhausted by striving to keep the peace. Guilt and shame can be overwhelming, especially when the narcissist plays the victim well.

Please remember, my friends, these reactions are responses to abuse, not reflections of personal failure. It's not about what you did wrong; it's about the narcissist's manipulation to control and maintain power.

So, what happens when you're exposed to covert narcissistic abuse over the long term? The effects can be deep and far-reaching, often leading to feelings of worthlessness, a sense of being 'stuck,' and, in some cases, the development of complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or C-PTSD.

C-PTSD can occur after prolonged, repeated trauma, and living with a covert narcissist definitely qualifies. It's characterized by feelings of terror, depression, and an inability to regulate emotions. This is often accompanied by a relentless sense of worthlessness and an impaired self-concept.

Reclaiming Your Identity

If you find yourself in the devaluing and discarding stages, living with constant confusion, guilt, shame, or questioning your sanity – you're likely dealing with covert narcissistic abuse. PTSD might sound like a big word, and the disillusionment you've experienced is real. But it's not hopeless. There are practical, manageable steps you can take to protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation and empower yourself to overcome the effects of abuse.

1. Get an understanding of covert narcissism. Covert narcissists tend to hide in helping professions. They tend to look good on the outside, but they have a dark side - like Jekyll and Hyde. Learn more about what you are dealing with. Knowledge is power; once you have knowledge, you have clarity. For more resources on narcissism, its types, and its manifestations, check out my YouTube channel or see the list of resources at the end of this article.

2. Start praying and ask God for wisdom and guidance on managing the relationship. Every relationship is different and comes with its unique complexities. Only God knows your life from start to finish. He knows your purpose, and He also knows the lives and purposes of all the people who are touched by that relationship between you and that narcissist. So begin to ask God and make it an item of prayer. God surely hears the cries of the brokenhearted.

3. I would confide what you are going through with some trusted people. This can be tricky when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist because they can have a very good public image, so it's possible that you are going through a secret hell, and not many people see it or know or may believe it. If you think you might be gaslighted by people you trust, find a counselor or someone with the gift of counsel and wisdom who is not in your circle who can listen and advise you.

4. Document and record as much as you can, but do this discreetly because of how stealthy these people are. Keep a record of events and detail what happened, where, and when. There will likely come a time when you will need documentation because you are dealing with a master manipulator who is used to gaslighting everyone and making people believe that they are the good guy and you are the problem. You will need evidence and hard facts if ever things get ugly down the road. In the meantime, this list will help to clarify for you what is really going on and can serve as a confirmation of your sanity and memory when it is called into question.

As disorienting as this kind of abuse is, remember this: The narcissist in your life has no power. They might act like they are powerful, but in reality, they are manifesting their inability to cope with the harsh elements of life. Their every waking moment is spent protecting a false self by treating others as a punching bag. The narcissist has not succeeded in realizing their own worth and identity, and they have no power to dictate your identity or to define who you are. You are defined by who God says you are. You are created in God's image. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Hold on to these truths, and keep fighting to consciously reject the narcissist's lies.

Related Resources

Narcissistic abuse is a lonely journey; if you know someone you think might be encouraged by this article, please consider sharing it with them.

Watch the video version of this blog post here. 

Identifying a Narcissist:

• Blog: Five Signs of a Covert Narcissist
• Video: Seven Signs of a Covert Narcissist
• Video: How To Spot a Narcissist at the Beginning of a Relationship

Understanding Narcissistic Abuse:

• Blog: How God Deals with a Gaslighter 

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse:

• Blog: Breaking the Ungodly Soul Tie with a Narcissist
• If you are recovering from a relationship with a narcissist and have minimized your contact with them, check out my group coaching program, "Recover Your Identity After a Narcissistic Relationship." 

 Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting