Are Narcissists Aware of Their Narcissism?

Are narcissists aware of their narcissism? Do they realize they exhibit traits like excessive pride, gaslighting, manipulation, entitlement, and exploitation? Are they conscious of how they mold narratives based on their emotions? Are they purposeful in constructing alternate realities around their feelings rather than facts? Do narcissists recognize their insatiable need for praise, accolades, validation, affirmation, and honor? 

What Is Narcissism?

Before we begin, let’s clarify what exactly narcissism means. Narcissism is a complex personality trait that exists on a spectrum, ranging from mild to more extreme manifestations. Someone on the extreme end of the spectrum would be considered as having narcissistic personality disorder. People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) chronically display traits such as a strong sense of grandiosity, a belief that they are superior to others, a strong need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They tend to have an inflated sense of self-importance, feel entitled to special treatment, and habitually objectify people. To fulfill their constant craving for praise, those with NPD habitually engage in manipulative behaviors. Further along the continuum, a more extreme case would be malignant narcissism. Malignant narcissists not only lack empathy but have a cruel and sadistic side to their personality. 

Are narcissists aware of their narcissism?

There is no straightforward answer, but it is clear that narcissists have very little understanding of their own behavior or its impact on others. If a narcissist does recognize that their behavior results in negative responses from others, there are two ways that the narcissist reacts.

The First Response: Playing Victim

In the first case, when someone reacts negatively to the narcissist’s manipulative or even abusive behavior, the narcissist perceives this as an attack. While in reality, the person on the other side of the narcissist was just setting a boundary or expressing their desire for fair treatment, from the narcissist’s side of the story, they are the victims of mistreatment and betrayal. 

As an example, imagine that someone punches you in the face. When you express pain and ask for an explanation, they blame you for having your face in the way of their fist. This is an extreme example, but it serves to illustrate a dynamic that narcissists use in much subtler ways. It is completely absurd, but narcissists really do think this way. 

To a narcissist, every interaction is a potential battlefield where they want to assert dominance. Their aggression knows no bounds, so if someone they interact with shows any signs of resistance or reacts, the narcissist will perceive that resistance or reaction as a direct attack against their fragile self-image. In order to protect themselves, they verbally, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically lash out at others. 

It is likely that you may have experienced other versions of this interaction. Picture this: you dare to challenge a narcissist's viewpoint or set a boundary against their manipulative behavior. However, what unfolds next is nothing short of astonishing: They launch into a full-fledged attack, trying to undermine your stance, belittle your feelings, or gaslight you into questioning your own reality. Their aim is to exert control and maintain their perceived superiority.

The moment you express your thoughts or feelings, the narcissist seizes upon your reaction as evidence that you are attacking them. They twist your words, reinterpret your emotions, and turn the tables so that they appear as the injured party. In their world, your act of standing up for yourself or expressing your needs is seen as a personal assault against their delicate self-esteem.

On another day, the narcissist might escalate a conversation with a raised voice and intimidating body language. Trying to de-escalate the situation, you ask them to lower their voice or if they are angry. They reply by claiming that they are, in fact, not yelling and that even if they were, that’s okay–you are just too sensitive, and you don’t let them express themselves.

Or perhaps the narcissist has been giving you the silent treatment. When you can no longer stand the cold shoulders and passive-aggressive sulking, you approach them, asking them what is going on. As the story comes out and you ask why they have been silent instead of pursuing a conversation, they blame you for their behavior. Maybe you aren’t a good enough listener, you really hurt their feelings, or you just can’t set aside your prejudices for long enough for them to open up. Whatever phrase they use, the narcissist twists the situation around to point the blame at you.

There is a method to the madness. This manner of seeing themselves as perpetual victims serves a dual purpose for the narcissist. Firstly, it allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By presenting themselves as victims of circumstance or of others' supposed malicious intent, they absolve themselves of any blame. This enables them to maintain their inflated self-image and resist any self-examination or growth.

Secondly, the victim narrative serves as a potent manipulation tactic. When others see them as victims, the narcissist can gain sympathy, empathy, and attention, thus reinforcing their belief in their own exceptionalism. The more they can elicit emotional support, the more they can feel like they are the center of others' worlds, further feeding their grandiosity.

The narcissist's victim mindset is not just limited to specific instances but permeates every aspect of their lives. Even when things go well for them, they might find reasons to play the victim card, claiming that they had to overcome insurmountable obstacles to achieve success. This narrative of perpetual victimhood bolsters their self-image, making them out to be great heroes who overcame the odds, further validating their sense of superiority.

Narcissists, in general, feel that the world is against them, and everyone else is out to get them, and this feeds into their persecution complex. Of course, not everyone who experiences victimhood is a narcissist. What sets narcissists apart is their constant need to externalize blame and absolve themselves of any responsibility for their actions.

Narcissists believe that others are envious of them, and so they see themselves as targets of jealousy and envy. And this belief only serves to reinforce their inflated sense of self-importance, as they perceive themselves as special and superior. Instead of recognizing that people don’t wish to be around them because they behave in devaluing, hurtful ways, the narcissist assumes people keep their distance because they are envious or jealous.

The Second Response: Justification

The second response of the narcissist is to justify their narcissistic behavior when others react to their maltreatment.

For example, narcissists might view their traits and actions as virtues or ways of getting what they deserve. For instance, they may see their arrogance as a form of confidence. They truly believe they are entitled to the treatment they expect and see exploitative behavior as a way to capitalize on opportunities.

Additionally, the narcissist's immense need for control exacerbates their mean-spirited tendencies. When they feel their control over a situation, or someone is slipping away, they resort to aggressive and manipulative tactics to regain that control. This control-driven behavior is another way for them to cope with their deep-seated insecurities and maintain their fragile sense of self-worth.

Those who score high on narcissism, particularly malignant narcissists, their behavior often reveal a mean streak that leaves others hurt and bewildered. Narcissists may recognize their cruelty, but they justify it by convincing themselves that others deserve the treatment. In the eyes of a narcissist, their actions are not mean-spirited; they are merely justified responses to perceived wrongs or betrayals. When they feel slighted or that their self-importance is threatened, they unleash their cruelty as a defense mechanism. In their minds, the people they target have somehow "deserved" this treatment because if they hadn't done XYZ, then the narcissist would not have had to resort to ABC.

This skewed perception is rooted in the narcissist's deeply ingrained belief in their own superiority and entitlement. To them, empathy and understanding are one-way streets; they expect others to treat them with utmost respect and admiration, but they feel no obligation to reciprocate. Instead, they view themselves as deserving of special treatment and unwavering loyalty. It doesn’t occur to them that those around them, too, are worthy of kindness and compassion. 

Narcissists' ability to rationalize their mean behavior is fueled by their tendency to externalize blame. They rarely take responsibility for their actions and prefer to project their flaws onto others. This projection allows them to maintain an image of themselves as faultless while those around them carry the responsibility for their cruelty. 

Ironically, the same traits that enable a narcissist to justify their meanness, such as their confidence and charisma, often attract people to them initially. This magnetic charm can blind others to the underlying toxicity until they become entangled in the web of a narcissistic relationship.

Conclusion

It is important to recognize that while narcissists may be aware of their meanness, they are unlikely to change their behavior willingly or easily. You are dealing with an uphill battle. Appeals to reason and empathy typically fall on deaf ears.  Their deeply ingrained defense mechanisms and lack of genuine concern for others' feelings hinder any meaningful self-reflection or personal growth. It really does take an intervention from God, and even then, God will not impose His will on theirs. If you would like more information on how a narcissist can change, check out the resources at the end of this blog. 

So I asked at the beginning of this blog, are narcissists aware of their narcissism? I would say that narcissists are desperately running and avoiding being conscious of their narcissism, lest they come face to face with their shame. Facing shame is a narcissist’s worst fear. It is like death. To avoid it, a narcissist will hold fast to their self-proclaimed identity as a perpetual victim and do everything possible to justify themselves. 

So, are narcissists aware of their narcissism? Their behavior reveals that they are constantly desperate, running away from acknowledging their narcissism lest they come face to face with their shame. Encountering shame is a narcissist’s worst fear. To avoid it, a narcissist will hold fast to their self-proclaimed identity as a perpetual victim and do everything possible to justify themselves. It seems unlikely that most narcissists are aware of the depths of their narcissism or of the consequences of their behavior. However, they may be, to varying degrees, aware of the different tactics that they use, even if they have not recognized where their behaviors stem from.

Related Resources

Watch the video version of this blog here.

• Can Prayer Change a Narcissist? What Does the Bible Say? [Read] [Watch]
• What It Takes for a Narcissist to Change. The Narcissist's Wake Up Call. [Watch]
• Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Reptance Is Real. [Watch]
• Can God Heal a Narcissist? [Watch]
• Do you find yourself disillusioned by the narcissists’ deflection of blame and responsibility? If so, check out my prayer to heal from gaslighting in a narcissistic relationship. 

In case we haven’t met, let me extend a warm welcome to my blog. I'm Shaneen Megji, and I'm dedicated to helping people navigate toxic relationships in their lives from a biblical, practical, and spiritual perspective. If you find this blog valuable and would like to receive regular content, leave your email below! I'll be here every week, empowering you to navigate narcissistic relationships. 

Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting