5 Signs of a Covert Narcissist

Have you met someone new?
Are you thinking of getting involved in a serious relationship or joining a ministry?
Or workplace?
Perhaps you're about to partner with someone in a business venture.

This article is about five red flags to look out for if you might be getting involved with a Covert Narcissist.

What is a covert narcissist?

What is a covert narcissist? Covert narcissists are precisely the same as regular narcissists.

They would have at least 5 of the following traits:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
2. A preoccupation with unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love.
3. A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or associated with other special high-status people.
4. A need for excessive admiration.
5. A high sense of entitlement, which comes through as unreasonable expectations or automatic compliance with their expectations.
6. Being exploitative of people. In other words, they take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
7. A lack of empathy: being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Envy of others, or they believe that others are envious of them.
9. Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Wolves in Sheep's Clothing

The only difference between a covert narcissist and a regular narcissist is that a covert narcissist hides his or her traits. A covert narcissist knows very well that narcissistic traits are a turnoff for people. So, their attributes are operating underground, beneath the surface of who they are, leaking out in subtle and nuanced ways, but they are just as destructive, if not more.

When you are around them, it is like breathing toxic fumes that are odorless and tasteless. That is how lethal they are. It is like inhaling carbon monoxide. You can't see it, taste it, or feel it, but it is toxic, and it is killing you slowly and silently.

Covert narcissists are wolves in sheep's clothing. Why do they hide? Because they are fully aware that if they were to show their true colors, people would not stick around them. So, they must be stealthy in their approach.

Covert narcissists can act so kind, so benevolent, so patient, and so loving. They can blow you away at first, making you wonder, can such a person exist? They seem to be too good to be true. And the reality is that they are.

Many covert narcissists work in helping professions. These people can be your teacher, your therapist, your pastor, or your spiritual leader. The one you look up to, the one who helps you, coaches you, the one who opens doors for you, who promotes you, and supports your spiritual growth.

Covert narcissists show one face to the public, but behind closed doors, they are tyrants to their families, close friends, and even their staff—a Jekyll and Hyde personality.

Spotting a Narcissistic Leader

How can you tell if you are interacting with a covert narcissistic leader? Here are five things you can do to check for red flags: I want to mention that if someone has one or two of these things, it doesn't make them a covert narcissist. You should watch out for multiple behaviors and attitudes. If you see many of them in one person, that is a huge warning sign.

So let's get into it. Here are the five things you can do to see if someone might be a covert narcissist.

1. Confront them, and tell them that you must bring to their attention something that you believe they are doing wrong that they need to adjust. Confrontation will trigger rage on the inside of a narcissist. Covert narcissists will never show you that they are angry. They may act like they are listening to you, but deep down, they are seething. They will think, "how dare an underling like you talk to me like that." They will make sure you suffer the consequences by punishing you or sidelining you. Of course, this will not come out directly. Covert narcissists are stealthy. If the covert narcissist is your boss or leader, you will find out that he or she has just demoted or excluded something that you were once part of or no warning or notice. Or they might withdraw, give you the silent treatment, disappear out of your life for a while, or drop you altogether. If you notice someone acting this way, they may be a covert narcissist.

2. Observe how they talk about past failed relationships of any kind in their history. If you notice a trend that they blame others for all the failed relationships in their history but never take any responsibility, you might be interacting with a covert narcissist. A narcissist tends to have an external locus of control. That is, they blame shift. They believe they are never at fault. It is always something outside of themselves that is responsible for their dire predicaments. It is their spouse's fault. It is their incompetent employees that have slowed down their company or business. It is their partner's fault. Or the people who should be supporting them aren't giving or praying enough.

3. Observe how long their relationships last. Covert narcissists generally cannot maintain long-term relationships. If they are middle-aged, do they have any close friends who have been with them for 10, 15, or 20 years? Covert narcissistic generally must renew their relationships every few years since people get worn out by them and don't stick around long. They also tend to have a lot of broken or blown-up relationships in their wake.

4. Pay attention to how they apologize. Covert narcissists rarely apologize. But if they do, they will tend to say, "I'm sorry you felt XYZ when I did XYZ." In other words, they will feel sorry that you felt hurt by their actions, but they will not be sorry for what they did.

5. Pay attention to the type of people around them in their inner circle. Are they surrounding themselves with a group of compliant-type people who will execute for them to fulfill their wishes and vision? Or are they surrounding themselves with people who are independent thinkers, leaders in their own right, with whom they can debate with and be challenged to deepen their understanding or broaden their perspective of things? Covert narcissists are not looking for strong independent thinkers to surround themselves with. They are looking for fans who will honor them and make them feel significant. Covert narcissists are looking for followers who will be utterly compliant to them and on standby for them, at the cost of the follower's spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. Take time to observe their inner-core circle. Are the people in that circle walking on eggshells? Are they stressed? Are they disheveled? Are they on constant standby, without any life of their own? Is there much laughter and light-heartedness, and banter going on in the circle? Or is everything always serious, always about productivity, the bottom line, or catering to the narcissist in some way?

Chances are, narcissistic leaders treat their workers like objects or extensions of themselves rather than human beings with their own aspirations and God-given purpose.

If you are working for a Christian minister or pastor who is a covert narcissist, he or she may say to you that your submission to them reflects how submitted you are to God. This teaching is a form of spiritual manipulation.

Beware of covert narcissists. They are blind guides, as Jesus warned about. Jesus asked the question, "Can the blind lead the blind? Will they, not both fall into a pit?"

If you see a mixture of these signs present, it is a red flag. You are dealing with a toxic person. This person has a massive blind spot. And the scary thing is they think that they are the only ones who can see and everyone around them is blind. Jesus said to the Pharisees, who thought they could see better than anyone else, "because you think you can see, your guilt remains."

Unless God gives you a clear revelation to connect with someone like that, run. Don't fall into the pit with a covert narcissist!

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Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting