Forgiving or Enabling a Narcissist? What Would Jesus Do?

What does forgiveness look like when you're in a relationship with a narcissist who continues to do hurtful things and never takes responsibility?

You’ve probably heard verses like these:

• Jesus says to forgive 70x7 times (Matthew 18:22)
• Turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39)
• Love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)

Maybe well-meaning people have shared these scriptures with you, and they kept you in an abusive relationship longer than you should have been.

Does forgiveness mean giving a narcissist endless chances to change?

How can we apply the scriptures about love and forgiveness when dealing with someone who habitually causes you harm?

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism falls on a spectrum; it is not a black-and-white condition. Some people are generally healthy and stable, while others may have narcissistic traits that don't make them fully narcissistic. Some have narcissistic personalities, and still others have a full-fledged narcissistic personality disorder, where narcissism is an all-pervasive condition affecting every aspect of their being.

For a narcissist, everything they do stems out of their narcissism. These individuals operate on an entirely different mental framework and don’t function like most people. The term wolf in sheep’s clothing fits them well.

In this blog, I’m going to describe what narcissistic personalities look like and discuss what forgiveness looks like in an abusive narcissistic relationship.

When I refer to a "narcissist," I’m talking about someone who embodies many deep-seated narcissistic traits that dictate the dynamics of your relationship with them. These traits may have been hidden early on by grandiose displays of love, support, and kindness, but once the love-bombing phase ended, their true nature was revealed.

Narcissists are:

• Difficult 
• Chronic Blame-shifters
• Cutting and verbally abusive
• Passive aggressive
• Hypersensitive
• High conflict
• Controlling
• Easily angered
• Liars
• Envious of others
• Exploitative
• Full of themselves
• Massively entitled
• Arrogant
• Selfish
• Manipulative
• Deceptive
• Vindictive
• Contemptuous of others

Furthermore, narcissists

• Don’t self-reflect
• Shame and humiliate others
• Lack empathy 
• Don’t respect other people's boundaries
• Need a lot of validation
• Get up in arms very easily

How does forgiveness work when you're dealing with someone like that?

Jesus’ Example

Let’s look at our role model in scripture, Jesus Christ. He came to earth to show us how to live.

It is very easy for abusers to cherry-pick scriptures to support and perpetuate their abuse and keep people in bondage. However, the Bible says that the sum of God’s word is truth (Psalm 119:160). This means you must consider all scriptures and the big picture of the Bible to understand the heart and mind of what God is trying to communicate.

Let's look at the life of Jesus Christ. He had a different way of relating to different groups of people. Observing how Jesus responded to these different groups gives us an insight into how we should relate to individuals who are abusive, predatory, or narcissistic.

Jesus had a certain way of relating to the public and even with sinners. His gentle, nurturing side would come out. If you read through the gospels, they are full of stories of Jesus teaching the crowds, feeding them, doing miracles, and spending time with people, particularly people that society would disdain or devalue. He would do miracles like healing, raising the dead, and defying nature.

However, Jesus had a very different approach when it came to the religious leaders and the Pharisees. He did not join their club or share in their ministry. The religious leaders, as portrayed in scripture, demonstrated many narcissistic traits: they had a grandiose sense of self and loved being honored, often taking the seats of honor. They were filled with rage whenever Jesus would heal someone, break their rules, confront them, or humiliate them. They lacked empathy and cared more about people obeying their rules than being set free. They couldn’t have cared less that a woman who was hunched over for 18 years was healed and delivered from her misery. They were more upset that Jesus had broken their rule of healing on the Sabbath. They would rather see people suffer and remain in bondage to keep their control (Luke 13:10-17). They were envious of Jesus and insecure about losing followers, fearing that he might become the most popular man on the scene. So their solution was to annihilate him. They plotted his crucifixion (John 11:53). 

Doesn’t that sound a lot like narcissistic behavior? These behaviors didn’t end with the Pharisees; unfortunately, there are many who call themselves Christian and who claim the titles of pastors, apostles, teachers, prophets, and evangelists who continue to walk in these behaviors.

So, how did Jesus treat these religious leaders?

• He never entrusted himself to them because he knew what was inside of them (John 2:24).
• He never once submitted it to their authority or validated it. 
• He never allowed them to have control over him or the upper hand.
• He did nothing on their terms.
• They never represented God to Him. Jesus made it very clear that they were an enemy of God and that their father was not Abraham but the devil (John 8:44).
• He would expose their evil deeds and their hypocrisy.

I’m not suggesting that you go and confront the narcissist like Jesus did with the religious Pharisees. Trying to confront someone who is on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum or who also has violent tendencies could be dangerous for you. Narcissists have a massive fear of abandonment, and they tend to be hypersensitive and controlling. If they detect something amiss in your responses, they may be triggered to act in cruel or destructive ways. If you absolutely need to confront a narcissist like this, I strongly encourage you to get support from a professional who understands narcissistic abuse and can help you navigate the situation without putting yourself or your livelihood in danger.

Instead of encouraging you towards confrontation, I want to highlight that Jesus’ approach to religious leaders does not suggest that forgiveness means enabling sin, or sweeping it under the rug, or even forgetting that it ever happened. Rather, Jesus never submitted to them or entrusted himself to them. He called them out on their sin and made it clear that their ways were not from God but from the devil.

However, while Jesus refused to condone and ignore their sins, when those same religious leaders killed him by crucifixion–the most horrific type of abuse I can imagine–Jesus’ response was full of grace and forgiveness.

Do you remember what he said on the cross about his abusers?

He said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

After spending his entire ministry calling them out on their hypocrisy, as He was dying, Jesus prayed on behalf of those who were killing him.

Why would Jesus say, “They don’t know what they are doing”? Obviously, the religious leaders knew exactly what they were doing. They were trying to kill him and remove the threat to their ministry. On one level, they understood exactly what they were doing, but on another level, they were unaware of their own blindness. They had no idea who they were killing. They believed they were representing God, but in reality, they were representing the devil and trying to annihilate God. They think they are acting on behalf of God or that their motives are good, but they are empowered by the demonic. In their blindness and need for validation, narcissists destroy the works of God and seek to destroy those created in His image.

Like the Pharisees, narcissists are blind. They operate out of a lack of self-awareness—they don’t engage in self-reflection. Even though narcissists may know what they are doing on one level, they have no insight into their deeper unconscious motives. They are oblivious to the depth of their brokenness and their immense need for healing. They refuse to go there.

If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you know what a powerful thing it was for Jesus to say of his abusers: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:24). That kind of prayer comes only from a place of radical acceptance. It takes accepting where the narcissist (or abuser) is at spiritually and emotionally. In this place of acceptance, you let go of your right to judge them, and release them from their debt to you. This takes an understanding that something beyond them influences their behaviors, even though they are still responsible for their actions. They may have endured childhood traumas that shaped the way they are. And chances are, they are living a more profound misery even though they appear put together on the outside.

So what are we called to do?

Jesus experienced the worst kind of abuse and was still able to forgive. I believe His example shows how God calls us to forgive those who abuse us. Forgiveness is the key to unlocking freedom and God’s rich blessings for our lives.

Forgiveness does not mean letting the abuser off the hook, allowing them to continue their sin, or absolving them of their responsibility for any problems in the relationship. Rather, forgiveness is about setting your emotions and heart free from the anger, bitterness, and resentment that keep you tied to that person. It doesn’t have to be an interaction between you and your abuser, especially in situations where it may not be safe. Instead, forgiveness is a personal matter between you and God—a heart issue you address for yourself and your future. While some may wish to seek forgiveness and hear that they are forgiven, your healing is ultimately about releasing yourself from the hold of anger and resentment.

You can radically forgive like Jesus did while also creating space between yourself and the effects of another person’s abuse. Don’t let anyone deceive you into thinking these two things are mutually exclusive. As you can see with Jesus’ example, He knew who His God was. He understood what was operating in the hearts of the abusers around him, and he did not subject himself to them. They never had the upper hand. Jesus did not allow them to control him. He set clear boundaries. Yet, while doing all that, Jesus was also able to forgive his enemies radically.

I hope this blog has helped you gain a clearer understanding of forgiveness and how it can be applied in the context of dealing with an abuser.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship and trying to navigate, share this blog with them so they can be equipped to navigate their emotions with the scriptures. 

If you have left a toxic or abusive environment and are in a season of transition, I have a gift for you. It is a training on three key ways to navigate a difficult transition. These are insights that brought breakthrough in my life when I was going through a difficult transition. 

Related Resources

• Why You Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries: 6 Lies the Narcissist Uses to Blame You for Your Needs [Read] [Watch]
• 5 Types of Boundaries You Need to Set with the Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• Should you Forgive an Abuser 70 X 7 Times?  How an Abuser Exploits & Weaponizes What the Bible Teaches about Forgiveness [Watch]
• Tempted to Get Revenge on the Narcissist? How God Deals with Someone Who Caused You So Much Pain [Watch]
• Can you Reconcile with a Narcissist?  What does the Bible Say about it? [Watch]
• Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]
• Hoovering or Genuine Change? 7 Ways to Test it Out After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• Three Keys to Navigate Transition [Watch]

Downloadable Resources 

• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist