How do you cope after a breakup with a narcissist?

Breakups aren’t easy—none of them. But a breakup with a narcissist is often dramatic and emotionally charged, no matter who they are in your life. When a narcissist leaves, in particular, the effect is distinct from and much more traumatic than a breakup with other kinds of people. 

If you are breaking up with someone who has the capacity for self-reflection and empathy and is taking responsibility for their part in the problems of the relationship, there is hope for reconciliation. However, if someone remains entrenched in their narcissistic behavior and shows no signs of genuine remorse or change, the tips I provide below can be invaluable in your journey forward. 

When I refer to a narcissist, I’m referring to someone who chronically demonstrates narcissistic qualities: an enduring lack of empathy, an inability to handle criticism or accept personal responsibility, a penchant for manipulation, an overwhelming self-centered focus, and a constant need for admiration and attention. Narcissists often present themselves as charming and confident, but beneath this facade lies an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep-seated insecurity, and a tendency to exploit and devalue those around them. To gain a more comprehensive understanding of narcissism, I invite you to delve into my [ebook](https://www.shaneenmegji.com/home).

A breakup with a narcissist is devastating because, unlike other relationships, the end of a narcissistic relationship triggers a unique set of dynamics. Without support and understanding of the dynamics at play, the pain and confusion of a breakup with a narcissist can drive people to extreme lows.

The Breaking Down the Breakup

Grieving the Person Who Never Was

First, you are grieving the loss of someone who never existed. Narcissism is characterized by the dichotomy between a normal, maybe even attractive and caring persona and a manipulative, toxic, even abusive persona. Watching the narcissist switch between the two can wreak emotional and mental havoc, especially as the person you thought they were fades into a personality you never saw coming. When the relationship ends, you are confronted with the reality that the person you thought you knew all this time may have never truly existed. Instead, you face what is left of the mask they wore before you. The shattering of a perception you have fought to hold to for months, even years or decades, is shocking at the deepest levels. This shock and the loss of the image of the pleasant persona that kept you going triggers a kind of grief that other breakups don’t.

When They Move On

It is very common for a narcissist to move on astonishingly quickly after the end of a relationship, acting like you never existed. It is shocking and heart-wrenching as someone you thought loved and cared for you reveals how little value they had for your relationship. Unfortunately, over the years or decades you knew them, while you were developing a bond with them, the narcissist was never bonding with you. So, while you find yourself profoundly grieving and confronting the depth of your bond, they easily move on, even replacing you overnight with someone else.

Betrayal

Third, the end of a relationship with a narcissist often brings to an end relationships with others. The narcissist often turns some of the most important people in your life against you, making you out to be some crazy person or convincing them that you are the source of the problems in the relationship. So, the breakup with a narcissist can involve being deeply misunderstood and betrayed by those around you, leaving heartbreak and isolation.

Rebuilding

Fourth, the narcissist may have depleted all your money, resources, time, savings, and even your health. Because narcissists use manipulative gravity to become the center of your life, it can leave you feeling like an empty shell when they are no longer in your life. You may feel like you have given them the best years of your life.

If you are going through this, or you have gone through this, *there is hope.* For each factor that makes narcissistic breakups so devastating, God has better plans and promises for you: While the narcissist played with two faces, God’s character has, and will forever be, stable for you to rely on. Whether the narcissist moves on quickly or not, God’s faithfulness toward you is unshaken. Amidst being misunderstood, God is the One who sees, knows, and understands your story, and when it seems like your best years have been taken from you, God has plans far beyond what you have imagined.

By the grace of God, there are ways to cope with pain and isolation. Today, I’ll share with you seven strategies to help you process the end of your relationship and build yourself up for your future. If you find yourself struggling to cope, I encourage you to read with an open mind and jot one or two ideas that you could do in the next week.

7 Healthy Coping Strategies

1. Understand Grief

The process of grieving after a breakup with a narcissist can feel a lot like grieving a loved one's death. Similar to how a death can be sudden and leave you with unanswered questions, many narcissistic relationships end abruptly, and you're left in a state of confusion. One moment, they're a big part of your life, and the next, they're gone. But it's not just about missing the person you loved; it's also about letting go of the idea that they could change into a better version of themselves. It's like mourning the loss of a loved one, combined with the heartache of giving up on the future you once imagined with them.

Expect that you will go through a similar cycle as someone who is grieving the death of a loved one. The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Expect that you will go through all of these eventually. Don’t hold too closely to a “healing plan.” Grief is unpredictable and can be triggered out of the blue, bringing you into a stage of grief that you may have thought you already had gone through.

You have to be so patient and compassionate with yourself. Grief doesn’t just hit you emotionally. It affects your body and your spirit. Issues like insomnia and fatigue are common; you may find yourself engaging in mindless activities, scrolling through social media, or staring into space. Grief can make it difficult to accomplish things. These effects of grief can be discouraging and make you feel like you aren’t progressing in your healing, but they are a natural part of the process that needs to work through your system. Give yourself time and space.

Grief has layers. You are grieving over your dreams with this person being shattered. You are grieving the loss of friends and family members. You are grieving the lost years of your life. Parts of grief and healing can come only with time when you pass through holidays, would-be-anniversaries, and celebrations without them.

Just know that God can redeem those years. Sometimes, when things end like that, and you find yourself alone, it’s like coming out of a time warp, where you are prompted to wonder, “Who am I? Where am I?”

Sometimes, we may downplay the impact of trauma and hope for fewer difficult days. It's crucial to acknowledge that you'll experience both brighter and tougher days. On those challenging days, extend compassion to yourself and grant your soul the necessary time and space. Whether it's a day when you feel resilient and capable or a day when even simple tasks seem overwhelming and your thoughts are scattered, both contribute to your healing journey. Remember, those tough days are not roadblocks to your healing; they are an integral part of the healing process.

Drawing from my own experience, I wholeheartedly encourage you to embrace the grieving process. Allow yourself the space to rest, to slow down, and to nurture your own well-being. As you draw nearer to both self-care and your faith in God, you are actively engaged in the process of healing. With each passing day, you grow stronger, your roots delve deeper, and you become more resilient.

Have faith in your ability to emerge from this challenging phase. You will not only rediscover your former self but also unearth a truer, more authentic version of yourself in the process.

2. Look for New Life 

Seek out what God is bringing forth in your life. Just as fresh green growth emerges after a wildfire, when one chapter ends, God ushers in a new beginning. So, what is taking shape in your life now that the influence of the narcissist has waned?

Perhaps it's a fresh endeavor, artistic expression, writing, the pursuit of your own business, or something long-ignored that's now stirring within you. These new ventures, whether grand or small, demand your nurturing and care, much like nurturing a new baby. If you don't yet see signs of growth amidst the ashes, turn to prayer, seeking God's guidance and vision.

Remember, He possesses the extraordinary ability to transform our hardships into something beautiful. 

You might find yourself overwhelmed, unsure of where to even begin, and I completely understand that feeling. However, it's essential to start with small steps. I often say, "Build brick by brick," which means committing to one small daily action to nurture and develop that newborn baby. This nurturing is crucial because it will ultimately guide you toward the future that God has in store for you. As scripture reminds us, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead" is the path to overcoming dwelling on and replaying the past repeatedly. The key is to redirect your focus toward the future, embracing the new opportunities that God is orchestrating in your life right now.

It takes massive faith to start because you may not have the energy or motivation to do anything. But if you start by faith, trust that God will give you grace for each and every step. Even just one small brick. And the more you build, the more you are moving the stakes of your life from out of your past, where they were holding you hostage, and moving them into your future. And now it is those stakes that are pulling you forward.

3. Go No Contact

The third thing you can do to get over the narcissist is go no contact.

No contact entails making a concerted effort to minimize the narcissist's influence in your life. This involves actions such as removing them from your social media, severing all forms of communication, and frequently distancing yourself from their circle of friends and community.

Depending on the nature of your relationship, implementing a no-contact strategy may not always be possible. However, it becomes particularly beneficial, especially when a narcissist has abruptly discarded you or left without providing closure. In such situations, it's natural to grapple with questions like, "Do they even notice my absence? Are they aware of what they've forfeited? Are they searching for me? Do they long for my presence? Do they regret their actions?" The allure of peeking into their life can hinder your progress and personal growth. 

Unfortunately, you will never get these answers. Even if you catch fleeting glimpses into their life, the revelations can be startling. Especially when it was the narcissist who initiated the breakup, the chances are slim that they'll notice your absence, actively seek you out, or harbor any regrets. From their perspective, they are likely to attribute all the relationship's problems to you, absolving themselves of responsibility.

Observing their life through social media or the internet can hinder your progress in the journey of moving on. It has the potential to rekindle past emotions, past sorrow, and even ignite fresh pain and anger. In the grand scheme of things, it's simply not worth it. Implementing a no-contact strategy remains one of the most effective means to expedite the healing process following a narcissistic relationship. 

By eliminating these triggers and distractions and directing your focus towards the new opportunities that God is placing in your life, whatever they may be, you'll notice that over time, your preoccupation and curiosity regarding the narcissist naturally diminish.

If you are feeling tempted to go back to the relationship, however, the next four steps are particularly helpful:

4. Record Where You’ve Been

If you have broken up with someone who has a pattern of abuse, with no evidence of genuine change or repentance, keep a diary that has a record of all the abuse you went through.  Read it every time you miss the narcissist or feel tempted to go back.  It will jolt you back to reality. As time passes, you are likely to experience the pull of the bond you had with the narcissist. In these moments, you may feel tempted to go back, missing them and feeling emptiness in your life. However, this bond is not the typical bond; it’s a trauma bond. Trauma bonds form over the prolonged process of abuse and more normal periods. Those normal periods, maybe even sprinkled with warm memories, are what kept you going through the cycles and gave you hope that the abusive, toxic spells wouldn’t reoccur. Hard as it is to believe, even those good moments were part of a bigger cycle of manipulation and trauma.

After the end of the relationship, that trauma bond brings back to mind the good things you had, which may not have manifested in your life post-breakup. The trauma bond can distort your memories. As time passes, we tend to forget about the abuse and instead feel the pain of the good things that are absent from our lives. This is completely normal. And it’s a pattern that has been going on for millennia. For example, in the Bible, there is a story about a group of people, the Israelites, who were enslaved for centuries under the cruel dictatorship of the Egyptian Pharaoh. Finally, God heard the cry of the Israelites and led their escape from slavery. But, soon enough, the Israelites forgot how bad their situation in slavery had been. They started missing the small parts of Egypt, like food. They wanted to go back for meat and olives! They were stuck in the desert and didn’t have the delicacies they were used to. They were still in the transition phase, and so their souls started to become like screaming children wanting the good things that they left behind. Instead of persevering and going forward toward the promised future God had for them, they wanted to go back to slavery. Their souls were only thinking of the good things missing but had forgotten what it was like to be abused, oppressed, and under tyranny.

This kind of temptation is very real for someone who breaks up with a narcissist. It’s so important to write down in graphic detail all the suffering and abuse you went through so that when you are tempted to go back, you can read it and be jolted back to reality. You must have this written down so you will not forget even for a moment the suffering and abuse you went through. And now that you have tasted freedom, you never want to go back to it.

5. Get in Touch with Life Beyond the Narcissist

Seek out new experiences. Meet new people, or plan activities on your own that you haven’t done before or in a long time. Plan dates with yourself and time with God. Take time to nurture yourself. Order those Epsom salts, take a hot bath and hole up with a book that’s been on the reading list forever. Watch a good movie, attend a concert, check out an art store, discover a new restaurant… Get involved in the community. See if you can volunteer. Whether you lean into solitude or find a place to learn and connect with other people who face a different kind of hardship, pushing yourself to seek out new experiences helps orient you to the possibilities in your future and releases you from the past.

6. Be Present in the Moment

Be present in the moment. Try to do everything you can to enjoy the very moment you are in. Take in who you are with and what you are doing.

One of the most powerful things you can do to be more present in your life is to practice gratitude. When you are in a grateful state of mind, you can’t be preoccupied with the past or the future. Try having a gratitude or blessing journey. Fight to find things to be thankful for. If nothing comes to mind, start with the basics. Thank God for a roof over your head, for life, sight, and the sun in the sky. As you exercise your gratitude muscle, it will grow. I can’t emphasize enough how important gratitude is. Gratitude shifts things in the spirit. God also invites us to cast our worries and cares to Him in this process of thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:7). Once you practice gratitude, share every burden with God. Lift up every care to Him. He cares about every detail.

7. Strengthen Yourself in the Lord 

Last but not least, strengthen yourself in the Lord. Out of the seven coping tools I’ve shared, this was the foundation for all the others in my journey. Both in the times when healing was a daily process and when I experienced supernatural breakthroughs, God was a pillar of strength and my ultimate source of healing.

When I think about strengthening ourselves in the Lord, I look to King David’s example right before he became king. After an enemy attacked and took away the families of David and his men, even the men who had been loyal to him through thick and thin for years turned on him (1 Samuel 30). As David’s men considered killing him, David found himself alone and deeply stressed. You aren’t facing armies and bandits, but you may, like David, also have lost family and close friends who revealed their true colors when things got rough. The Bible says that David, when he was alone, strengthened himself in the Lord: When he did so, he regained focus, clarity, and vision about his situation and his life. With God as his source of strength, David had supernatural confidence and vision and led his men to take back everything the enemy had stolen. You, too, with the Lord as your strength, can receive back manyfold everything that was stolen and taken from you.

There’s no formula to strengthening yourself in the Lord, but scripture points us to practices that build us up in our spirit: meditate on the scriptures, pray, worship, and commune with God in nature. Journal and process with God on paper. The Psalms are a wonderful example of what it can look like to strengthen yourself in the Lord. All these things can grow your spirit, accelerate healing, and also usher you into your divine purpose.

I hope some of these insights and coping methods have encouraged you and inspired you a little. If you’ve been through a breakup like this and found coping methods that worked for you, please share them with me! They might be helpful for someone else as well.

On that note, if you know someone who is going through a difficult breakup or a separation from an abusive person, share this blog with them.

Related Resources: 

Watch the video version of this blog post here.

• 5 Ways to Get Closure When There Is No Closure with a Narcissist [Video]
• How to Break the Unique Ungodly Soul Tie with a Narcissist [Video] [Blog]
• Did you recently transition out of a toxic relationship or community? Watch my free training “How to Navigate Difficult Transitions.” In this 25-minute training, I share three keys that got me through difficult transitions and that can help you successfully navigate this season of your life.

Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting