How to Leave a Narcissist: Practical Steps to Planning Your Exit

i'm in the relationship narcissistic relationships Sep 16, 2024

Are you stuck in a psychologically or physically destructive marriage with a narcissist? Are you thinking of leaving an abusive situation but don’t know how? If you are married to a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of narcissist, leaving could be very tricky. And that’s the understatement of the year. When a narcissist has convinced the entire outside world that they are a likable, charismatic character, it can be next to impossible to find someone who believes you when you describe the tyrant they are at home. When the abuse you are going through is your best-kept secret, how do you leave?

Before I give you some tips on how to handle this situation, I need to preamble by clarifying that the strategies I'm about to describe are not meant to be taken out of context. This blog is specifically directed at victims of narcissistic abuse who are already looking for a way out of their situation. I am not here to tell you whether or not you should continue with a difficult relationship. Everyone and every relationship has their challenges and issues that need to be worked through with tough conversations. This blog is not a recommendation on how to handle a relationship where those normal challenges can be addressed in a safe way.

What a Narcissistic Relationship Looks Like:

In this blog, I’m addressing a specific type of relationship: The relationship defined by an abusive narcissist who is chronically entitled, arrogant, condescending, exploitative, contemptuous, manipulative, deceptive, high-conflict, and lacking in empathy. This kind of person does not have self-awareness, and they do not self-reflect. They have a very fragile ego and cannot take criticism or be challenged or questioned. They have an aversion to anything that smells like being shamed or blamed. This makes those honest conversations impossible. Instead, they blame shift, deflect, project, deny, and gaslight their way out of taking responsibility for their part in a relationship. You may have already tried everything you can think of to fix the relationship, but still, you find that if you even broach a difficult subject, it seems that all hell breaks loose. If this has been the pattern of your relationship over the long term, then this blog is for you.

If this sounds familiar, you are probably also experiencing a myriad of other forms of manipulation at the hands of the narcissist. Some common features of narcissistic abuse include:

Constant criticism and blame
Belittling and demeaning behavior
Isolation from friends and family
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Controlling behavior
Emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping
Gaslighting, or making the victim doubt their own perception of reality

If you are not sure whether or not you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, you can find a checklist on how to tell here.

Your Decision to Leave Is Not a Failure: It's the Result of Their Choices

Let me make a guess about you. You’re probably a naturally open and honest person. You value compassion, and you’re naturally empathetic. If I’m right, you’re a caring person who wants to be honest and do the right thing.

The thought of leaving may make you feel dishonest. Even reading this article may have your heart in a knot, making you feel deceptive—and that’s not who you are.

I want to take a minute to encourage you. Hear me out here: The way this relationship has turned out is not a reflection of your character. There is no amount of empathy or compassion that can change the narcissist. They’ve left you no choice but to leave. They don’t see this relationship as a two-way street, and they’ve made it an unsafe place for you to be free, honest, genuine, and authentic. Instead of treasuring and protecting your generous and nurturing heart, they’ve exploited you and used your own values to keep you from leaving.

That feeling you have in your chest? The tightness in your stomach? The short breaths? The fitful sleep and anxious awakenings? Yeah, they’ve created an environment where you aren’t free to be your genuine self. Your body is wound up from your efforts to avoid triggering them. Walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around their fragile ego takes a toll. A huge toll. It’s not sustainable.

If someone drinks poison, they’ll die. It doesn’t matter if they are the fittest person on earth or a couch potato. The human body wasn’t designed to be able to handle poison. In the same way, you were not created to be able to sustain yourself in this kind of environment. The fact that you cannot handle the toxicity that the narcissist is forcing you to inhale every day is not a reflection on your character, your personality, your maturity, the state of your faith, or even your deepest hopes and desires. You literally were not designed to be able to absorb this much toxicity.

By creating a poisonous environment, the narcissist has left you no choice but to look for a way out. There’s no way for you to be safe, recover your identity, and get out of bondage without leaving this environment. This was not God’s design for relationships, and His plans for you are so much better. His heart is for your freedom. Scripture says that he came to free the oppressed, to give us fullness of joy, and so that we could walk in love. Whatever bondage you are experiencing is not God’s heart for you. This is the work of the devil because his plans are always to steal, kill, and destroy. So if you're under someone whose behavior contradicts the life, joy, peace, and love that Jesus came to offer—someone causing harm and destruction—then this blog is for you. It will equip you with the tools you need to prepare for a healthy exit.

Don’t Wake the Sleeping Giant: Preserving Your Safety in the Planning Stage

A narcissist is highly attuned to even the slightest shift in your attitude toward them. They can sense it instantly, almost as if they can 'smell' it from a mile away. Driven by a deep, primal fear of abandonment, they detect these changes early to give themselves time to regain control and reassert their power.

If the narcissist catches on that you are planning to leave, it could easily unleash their rage. You don’t want to wake up that sleeping giant. Leaving a narcissist is a lot like the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. In the story, a young man named Jack climbs a beanstalk and finds himself in the presence of a sleeping giant. So he needs to get out without waking up the giant. And that's how you need to plan and exit with a narcissist: by treading very softly, quietly, and gently. So what does that look like?

Practically speaking, it means that you don't let on that you're thinking of leaving or planning on leaving. You carry on life as best as you can and as normally as you can, as if there's nothing wrong. You’ll need to continue to play the role that the narcissist expects of you while you are planning your exit. Keeping up that supportive, cheerful role requires a special grace from God.

Although it’s not your nature to be deceptive or to keep secrets, it is important to give the abuser confidence that you are not going to leave. In this case, secrecy is not a reflection of your values; it is a necessary response to the environment the narcissist has created. They have created an environment where it is not safe for you to be honest without your honesty creating a conflict. In situations where conflict can involve a threat to your physical (i.e., the possibility of physical violence), financial (leaving you financially stranded), emotional (i.e., fits of terrifying rage), or social safety (threats of isolation), you may have no choice but to plan departure while simultaneously avoiding these dangers. This is not your fault. The person you are trying to leave is not like the other normal people on the street. They believe they are entitled to your complete submission, and they are beyond reasoning with. You cannot interact with them the way you would interact with a rational person.

Biblical Examples of Leaving:

In the next section, I’m going to give you practical steps to planning your exit from an abusive situation. However, before I do that, I want to give you some biblical examples of how people left abusive individuals. I want you to ease your mind about planning an exit in secret and ghosting your abuser. Each of these biblical characters loved God and sought to live honorable lives. They ghosted their abusers, carefully planning an exit and then disappearing into safety to pursue what God had in store for them.

King David ghosted his father-in-law, King Saul. When King David discovered that his father-in-law was unsafe and bent on killing him, he made an exit plan with Jonathan, King Saul’s son, and secretly disappeared. You can read this story in 1 Samuel 20:35-42.
Jacob ghosted his father-in-law, Laban. Laban was a shrewd, exploitative, and manipulative man. Jacob was afraid of what Laban might do to him if he told him he was leaving, so he fled with his family in the middle of the night. When Laban realized what was going on and began to pursue Laban, God intervened by protecting Jacob and warning Laban to back down in a dream. For the full story, see Genesis 31:17-24.
The three wise men ghosted King Herod. When the three wise men were going to see Baby Jesus in the stable, King Herod told them to find the child and then report back to him so that he could worship Jesus. But after the wise men found Jesus, the Bible says they were warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, so they returned to their country by another route without telling Herod anything. Matthew tells this story in Matthew 2:7-12, 16.

In all these cases, good and upright people had to flee and ghost someone who was dangerous, abusive, and destructive. Sometimes, that is God’s way for you to exit a relationship with an abusive, narcissistic person.

Practical Steps to Leaving:

So, with all that being said, here are some practical things you can do to prepare for your exit:

Keep Your Plans Private
Do not share any information about your plans with the abuser or anyone who may leak it to them. Try to leave when they are not around or when they are busy with something else. Plan your departure at a time when the abuser is not there, and they have no idea. This way, you can leave while they're gone, and you don't have to face a nasty confrontation. Narcissistic abusers can become violent when confronted with abandonment, so you must have a safety plan in place.
Seek Legal Advice from the Right Lawyer
Start talking to a lawyer and get legal advice right away. Don't just talk to any lawyer; find someone who understands narcissistic personality disorder or high-conflict, manipulative personalities. Narcissists have a tendency to “split”--to see things in black and white--which can cause them to swing into vindictive, adversarial, and punitive behaviors when you leave. You need a lawyer who understands this, can see through, plan for, and disarm their manipulative behaviors in court.
Document Evidence of Abuse
Document any incidents of abuse, including physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Keep a record of dates, times, and details of the incidents. Take photos of any injuries or damages caused by the abuser. Make sure that these documents are not discoverable by the narcissist and that they cannot be deleted.
Get Your Finances in Order
Make copies of all your financial documents, such as bank statements, tax returns, and property deeds. Open a separate bank account or credit card in your name only. Put money away every chance you get into a bank account under your name. Everything adds up, so find ways to deposit bits of money discreetly over time in an account so that you have money to live off of when you get out.
Play the Long Game
You may feel that there are too many complications to leave now. Maybe you have small children who you wouldn’t be able to take with you or whose lives you do not want to disrupt. That’ts fair. You may have already endured abuse for years and found that you have the grace to endure it for a bit longer. If you are in this kind of situation and aren’t in danger, you might want to consider preparing for your exit over the next year or so. This might give your kids time to stand on their own feet or give you the chance to get your ducks in a row.

During this preparation period, start upgrading your skills and look forward to becoming financially independent from your spouse. However, in the meantime, have a backup plan for an emergency exit. Keep a suitcase with your important documents and essentials in the trunk of your car or somewhere discreet and easily accessible so that in case the abuse intensifies and you are in danger, you can leave right away. Do not assume that things can’t or won’t get worse. Play the long game, but be prepared in the short term.

Find a Supportive Community
Look for a community or support group to help you through this process. Have some trusted friends and family members who know exactly what is going on and who can support you. If at all possible, do not plan an exit all by yourself. Make sure you have safe and supportive people who have your back in place before you exit. You can ask these people to pray for you. Perhaps you can stay with them as a landing pad before getting your own place when you leave. There is definitely an advantage to staying with friends or family as you deal with the emotional repercussions of leaving. Your friends and family may be able to see more clearly than you, will be looking out for your safety, not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well, and will be there to reassure you that you are not alone.
Secure Your Assets and Documents
If you have assets or properties, make sure you have the legal deeds. Take screenshots of shared accounts and their balances because a narcissist is likely to move money around when they realize you are gone. If you are able, ensure you have records of all these things beforehand.
Gather Important Documents
Obtain all your important documents like passports, birth certificates, legal papers, social security cards, etc.
Change Your Passwords
Change passwords on your accounts, such as email, social media, Google accounts, and Amazon. Make sure that the narcissist does not have access to the recovery accounts.
Leave First, Divorce Second
If you are considering divorce, or if you feel that it's something you may need to pursue, ensure that you first leave and handle these decisions from a safe and protected place. This could mean staying in a shelter or with trusted friends or family. It's important to prioritize your safety, especially as a narcissist's fear of abandonment and sense of entitlement can provoke unpredictable reactions. While divorce is a serious step, your well-being must come first. Seek wise counsel and guidance as you navigate this difficult path.

Take Precautions Against Stalking
These types of people, who are highly controlling, entitled, and vindictive, can stalk you. They may follow you to your workplace. They can go crazy. Check your vehicle for devices that may be used to track you. Turn off location sharing on your phone, and do not post photos on social media in order to avoid having your location shared with the narcissist.

If you feel unsafe or if your spouse has a history of violence or explosive behavior, it’s essential to obtain a restraining order when you leave to protect yourself. Women who have been in manipulative, abusive relationships are at a much higher risk of being harmed or killed after the relationship ends. It is better to get a restraining order for something that never happens than to find yourself in a scary situation.

In the meantime, if you have a job, ask your supervisor if you could come in earlier or later than usual for a few weeks. Avoid your typical routines. Take different routes, use different entrances, and change your schedule to avoid the narcissist showing up unexpectedly.

They Will Try to Get You Back. Don’t Fall for It.
Make sure to block all contact from them, get a new phone number, and change any other means through which they can reach you. Limiting or eliminating contact is crucial for your healing and strength, preventing you from being drawn back into the relationship where the abuse could escalate and become even worse than before you left.

I hope these tips were helpful. If you know someone who is thinking of leaving an abusive relationship, share this blog with them. (Please keep in mind that it may not be wise to share this in a way that their abuser could see. It may be better to invite them out to coffee, give them a printed version of this blog, or let them do research on your device so that their activity isn’t monitored.)

Related Resources

Watch the video version of this blog here.

Should I Stay or Leave the Narcissist? [Watch]
Is It God's Will for You to Stay with the Narcissist? [Watch]
7 Steps to Leave a Toxic Church Unscathed [Watch] [Read]
When You Can't Leave the Narcissist [Watch]
How to Be Empowered to Deal with a Narcissist When No-Contact is Not Possible [Read] [Watch]

Downloadable Resources

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