Letter to the Pastor's or Minister's Wife

 
This post is going to be a little different than my usual, because my heart is unbearably burdened. 

My team and I have been grieving and praying as Christian leader after Christian leader is exposed for unspeakable, deplorable crimes. 

While I am in no way saying that all pastors are narcissistic or abusers, the heartrending truth is that many of them are. The church, tragically–and to our shame–attracts and shelters such men. 

And for over three years now, my work has been bringing me into contact with the people who suffer most at the hands of these covert, narcissistic leaders: their wives. 

These precious women, who marry in good faith, who support their men in the work of ministry, homeschool their children, and carry a lion’s share of responsibility–these women are often the targets of the worst abuse. But they suffer in silence and isolation. They smile and serve and suffer. And some of them die with the secret. It is an epidemic. And it is deadly. 

Recently, I was talking with one of these women about writing a letter to give hope to others who are suffering as she did, but who don’t know what it is, and who are still isolated, confused, and desperate. 

We want to break the silence. Because this kind of suffering kills. 

I want to share with you the letter she wrote, because it articulates so clearly what the wives of narcissistic Christian leaders experience. Our hope is that it will help others know they are not alone, and that there is help and hope.

Please share this letter with any woman you think may be suffering in this way. 

Or share it with people who may know of them.

We want to get it out to as many people as possible

Because lives are at stake. 

Letter to the Pastor’s or Minister’s Wife

Dear one,

We may never have met, but I know you so well, 
so very well.

I used to be you.

I know intimately the isolation,
the secret agony, 
the exhaustion and the heart-ache that distract you
and siphon away your energy.

Yes, I know that tension in your jaw, 
that tightness in your shoulders that you can’t seem to massage away. 
I’ve experienced the knot in your stomach,
the tightness in your chest.

I know how hard you work to keep your smile, 
The effort it takes to maintain your joyful countenance.
I know how fervently you endeavor 
to give thanks in all things.

I see your submission to him, 
and your service. 
Others think it is just your servant heart, your sweet devotion. 
And it is that, 
yes. 
But I recognize your hypervigilance 
and uncertainty,
sense the undercurrent of your fear. 

I see your diligence and hard work, 
the way you pick up the slack, the way you put out fires,
the way you try to shelter your children. 
I see the desperation in your eyes, 
hear the haunting, unspoken questions: 

“What am I doing wrong?” 
“Is there something I should be doing? Something I need to stop doing?” 
And the desperate cry: “How on earth can I do it all?” 
I know you cry yourself to sleep, 
weeping silently as you plead with God to help you.

You know something is wrong–
dreadfully wrong. 
But you can’t tell anyone. No one must know.
And so, you persevere alone.

But you are not alone.
The same prison that isolates you, 
is populated by countless others
who are suffering silently, 
in their own, personal, solitary confinement. 
You are part of an invisible company 
Of devoted, and desperate people. 

If only you knew.

I lived through the isolation you are enduring, 
the complete and utter loneliness. 
But barely.
Those things exact a costly toll. 

Yes, they are costing you too. Aren’t they?
The casual observer might think your ailments are coincidental.
But they are not. I know.
Your anonymous, silent companions deal with the same digestive problems you contend with,
the adrenal fatigue, the thyroid issues,
the depression,
the way you clench your teeth at night, 
the way your sleep is disrupted by anxiety. 
You are blessed if that is all. But there is probably more. 
These are only a few of the symptoms
in a poisonous bouquet of suffering.

Your confusion is not lost on me either. 
Neither is your devotion, your humility, your faith, 
and your heart-felt longing to please the Lord.
That, and your self-deprecation;
the way you wonder if it is really all your fault
like he says it is.
(“You Jezebel.”
“You rebellious woman.”
“You unsubmissive wife.”
“You stupid, worthless piece of s–t.”
“When will you ever learn to honor your husband like Sarah honored Abraham?”)

Is it true, you wonder?

After all, he makes such a compelling, scriptural argument.

After all, he is so good to everyone else.
Everyone else loves him.
He’s the life of the party, the center of attention; 
the admired, the desired, the wonderful “family man,” 
the accomplished one.
He praises you in public
(or subtly, condescendingly, undermines you).
He seems like the perfect guy. 
Other women wish they were you. 

If only they knew…

Behind closed doors, the charismatic smile contorts into a snarl. 
Behind closed doors, you are not the beloved spouse, but the berated scapegoat. 
But no one knows. 
Except maybe your children. 
If they do, they are sullen, withdrawn and angry. 
Or they are depressed, co-dependent, or self-harming. 
But then, if he has won them over the way he wins everyone else, 
he has made sure they know that their mother is 
weak, foolish,
resistant, deceived, indecisive,
and demon possessed;
a mentally ill woman.
If he has bewitched them too, they secretly pity you for the wrong reasons.
Or they despise you
and echo his contemptuous tone
until you are battered from all sides.

Faithful one,
you are caught in the hell of a man’s making,
feeling trapped by a vow you made before God, 
wishing and praying and hoping fervently,
that something will change--
even (you barely dare to admit it)
if it means death– 
his or yours. 

(Don’t give up beloved.
Don’t take your life.)

You are not alone,
Though you don’t know it yet. 
God is with you,
And your hell is shared by countless others.

This thing you are living, it has a name.
God hates it.
He calls the abuse you are living through “evil.”
He calls “Christians” who commit it “wolves in sheep's clothing.”

And there is help.

Don’t be afraid to research what is going on with you.
If you are looking for the Truth, God will lead you to it. 
It will not be the devil deceiving you.
And though it may frighten you to learn more,
ignorance is never wisdom. 
It is the enemy’s tool to keep you in bondage.

God gives wisdom. 
He is the Truth.
Only the Truth can set you free. 

Don’t be afraid, dear one,
though the enemy schemes to terrify you. 
Be courageous.
With God’s help, you can get through this.

Lovingly,
A woman just like you.