Parenting with a Narcissist: 5 Life-Saving Tips to Protect Your Children

I've received so many questions from you all asking, "What do I do if I have children with the narcissist?" and "How do I protect my kids from the narcissist?" In this blog, I'm going to share 5 life-saving tips on how you can raise your children while dealing with a narcissist, whether you're still living together or co-parenting after separation.

Before we dive in, I want to emphasize that the tips I’m about to share are grounded in common themes. One major theme is teaching your children that they are not responsible for another person's emotions or behavior. Another is modeling for your children that unacceptable behavior is never okay, no matter the excuse.

In my work, I often interact with adults who were raised by at least one narcissist, and these tips come directly from the insights and experiences they've shared. I think you will find them most helpful. So, let's get into it. 

Tip #1: Do Not Make Excuses for the Narcissistic Spouse

If you've spent any time with a narcissist, you probably know how tempting it can be to find explanations for their confusing and unacceptable behavior. But when the narcissist acts out—whether it’s making threats, throwing tantrums, or yelling—there are no excuses for that behavior.

When you make excuses, like saying "Dad is just stressed from work," or "Mom is upset because of a disagreement," you inadvertently justify their actions. This sends the wrong message to your children. It implies that it's acceptable for adults to lash out and terrorize others when under stress or upset. By doing so, you deflect responsibility away from the narcissist and subtly suggest that others, including your children, might somehow be to blame for their outbursts. 

I know this is hard. As the spouse of a narcissist, you probably already take the brunt of their rage and manipulation. Naturally, you want to shield your children from the chaos and tension. But when you talk to your kids, reassure them that they are not responsible for their parent's behavior and that unacceptable behavior is just that—unacceptable, period.

Tip #2: Don’t Push Your Children to Over-Apologize

One of the heartbreaking signs of abuse in children is when they start over-apologizing. They feel they have to constantly apologize for things that aren’t their fault. This behavior often stems from trying to keep the peace with a narcissistic parent, who may expect constant apologies and praise to feel validated.

Living with an abuser can make children believe that taking the blame for their parent’s actions will somehow make things better, at least temporarily. But in reality, it only perpetuates a harmful cycle. When children constantly over-apologize, they unintentionally reinforce the idea that narcissistic behavior is justified. It also teaches them that their worth is tied to how much they can please their parent, which isn’t fair or healthy and can lead the child into harmful codependent relationships down the road.

Instead of encouraging this pattern of over-apologizing, it’s important to help your children understand that they are not responsible for their parent’s outbursts or moods. They shouldn’t have to apologize excessively just to avoid conflict. Genuine apologies should come from recognizing their own mistakes, not from trying to soothe someone else’s unreasonable demands.

By teaching this to your children, you’re helping them build strong self-esteem and healthy boundaries. They need to know that their value isn’t based on constantly seeking approval or trying to fix things that aren’t their fault. It’s about respecting themselves and understanding that they are God’s precious children, who deserve to be valued and cherished just as Jesus loves them. Jesus was very protective of children in the Bible and gave a lot of warnings to leaders in bright red font in the New Testament to look after the children and not do anything to cause them to stumble.

#3: Counteract Gaslighting with Validation

If you have children with a narcissist, you are almost without a doubt deeply acquainted with the crazy-making effects of gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the narcissist distorts reality to avoid being challenged or confronted, often to the point of making you feel ashamed for not buying into their distorted reality and leading you to doubt your own perceptions and sanity. Gaslighting can leave you, an adult, feeling incredibly frustrated, at a loss for words, confused, and questioning yourself. Your children are even more vulnerable to gaslighting. It can be so destructive to their developing brains. While you may be able to assert reality and consult your long-term memories to verify that you are indeed sane, your children do not have those cognitive tools. Gaslighting destroys your children’s sense of reality. They do not have the logic to see through the confusion that narcissists create.

When you stand by while the narcissist gaslights, it sends a powerful message to your child that the narcissist's version of reality is correct. Your inaction validates the narcissist’s manipulation and chips away at your child's confidence in their own understanding of truth. It's crucial to counteract this by validating your child's experiences and emotions. This helps them hold onto their sense of what's real and what's not, despite the confusion the narcissist creates.  

I recall speaking with a child who grew up around constant gaslighting. They shared with me how there were many nights when they would cry and cry, praying and pleading for someone–anyone–to tell them something that was true. At that time, the child didn’t know the term for “gaslighting.” But they did know that the world seemed to be falling apart around them. This child was so desperate for a grasp on reality that they took comfort in stating obvious facts. Statements like “The sky is up.” “The grass is green.” became this child’s way of trying to protect their sanity. 

So how do you give your child a grasp on reality? You validate your kids. I don’t mean that you tell them they are always right. I mean that you corroborate the reality that they are experiencing. If you see your child being gaslit, mistreated, or scapegoated, acknowledge the pain that they have gone through. You can tell them “I’m sorry, that must have really hurt. I can totally understand if you are furious right now.”

When you validate your children's experiences in the face of gaslighting, you empower them to trust their own reality and emotions. It's about acknowledging their pain and confusion without dismissing or minimizing it. This validation helps them anchor themselves in what's true and builds their resilience against the narcissist’s manipulation tactics. 

#4: Encourage Independence 

The whole point of parenting is to raise kids who eventually don’t need us anymore. But let’s face it, abusers often thrive on keeping their families under their thumb. Narcissistic parents can seem distant and yet control every aspect of their children’s lives. Growing up in such a controlling environment where you feel like you’re walking on eggshells can stifle your child’s ability to become their own person.

So, here’s what you can do: empower your kids. Encourage them to explore hobbies, maybe even get a part-time job to earn their own money, and support them in making friends. Don’t hold back on helping them get that driver’s license when they’re ready. By giving your child the freedom to be independent, you’re setting them up for success down the road. As they discover their passions and preferences, they’ll start to form a solid sense of self. And here’s the key: if they can develop an identity that isn’t tied to seeking approval from their parents, they’ll likely steer clear of those codependent relationships later in life.

It’s important to promote your children’s critical thinking skills too. Encourage them to voice their own opinions and make decisions. Unlike a narcissistic parent, show genuine respect for their independence as individuals. Your support and respect will embolden them to embrace their uniqueness, even when they face criticism or belittling from the other parent. It can go a long long way.

#5: Your Healing Journey Is a Gift to Your Children 

As you journey through healing, it's crucial to remember what conversations are appropriate for your children. While honesty is important, not all details should be shared with them, especially the heavier ones. Topics like the explicit details of abuse, legal battles, financial struggles, or intense emotional burdens can overwhelm and confuse young minds. These are burdens they're not equipped to carry, and discussing them is inappropriate and places undue stress on their shoulders. If you need to share, find other trusted adults with whom you can process and share —perhaps other family members, friends, counselors, or coaches. 

Focus on creating a safe space where your children can come to you for comfort and truth without feeling burdened by adult concerns. While the narcissist in your life created an environment of fear, stress, and instability—make an effort to cultivate peace and stability in your home—even if you don’t feel that way. God Himself can do miracles, and Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace and promises to leave His peace with us.

By shielding them from unnecessary details and involving them in age-appropriate discussions, you empower your children to navigate their own emotions and experiences more effectively. This approach not only protects their innocence but also strengthens their trust in your ability to guide them through difficult times.

Another huge thing to remember is that your healing journey is a profound gift to your children. It shows them resilience in action—how to overcome adversity, how to find God’s purpose amidst the pain and trial, and how to rebuild a life filled with hope and God’s purpose.

Remember, your healing is a beacon of hope for your children. It teaches them that healing is possible, even in the face of adversity, and equips them with the strength to overcome challenges they may face in their own lives. Even if you don’t say much, even if your children may not want you to preach at them, and even when they don’t feel like processing or confiding in you—how you walk out and overcome your own trials and your own struggles is something that they are paying attention to whether you realize it or not — and this is where you can have the most influence.

Conclusion

I hope these 5 tips were helpful. Co-parenting alongside a narcissistic or abusive spouse can be incredibly challenging, especially when their influence seems to counteract your efforts in instilling values and preparing your children for adulthood. But take heart—your commitment to protecting, validating, and empowering your children is truly priceless. Your ongoing dedication and healing journey is shaping a future filled with hope and resilience for your family, and even the generations that follow. None of your investment in yourself and your healing journey goes to waste, it can save the lives of your children and their children.

See you in the next blog!

Related Resources

Watch the video version of this blog here.

• How to Stay Your Course in the Face of Manipulation [Watch]
• Top 10 Mind Games that Narcissists Play to Throw You Off Balance and Control You [Watch] [Read]
• Scapegoat Supply: Why Narcissists Obsessively Depend on Scapegoats to Maintain Their Image [Watch] [Read]
• Fake Apologies and How to Spot Them: 5 Ways Manipulative People Apologize [Watch]
• Deceptive Apologies. 5 Crafty Ways Narcissists Try to Make You Think They're Sorry [Watch]
• Five Forms of Gaslighting and How to Resist Them [Watch]

Downloadable Resources 

• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist