Public Praise & Private Abuse: The Psychological Warfare of Narcissists

covert narcissism i'm in the relationship narcissistic abuse narcissistic relationships Aug 18, 2024

Why is it that a narcissist will praise you to high heaven in public but tear you to shreds in private? When there’s an audience, they turn on a charm and treat you like you’re God’s gift to them. They give you a spotlight, point out your strengths, and shower you with compliments that make you feel special. They boost you up, making you believe you're exceptional, kind, and capable.

But then, behind the scenes, where no one is watching, a chilling transformation unfolds. They make a 180-degree turn. That same individual who seemed to be your biggest cheerleader in front of everyone suddenly takes verbal stabs at you. They cut you down and find fault with everything about you. They replace those public praises with insults and contempt, using words as weapons that chip away at your confidence and sense of self.

Why does this happen? How does someone go from admiring you one moment to tearing you down the next? What is true in this equation? The praise? Or the contempt? Why do narcissists praise you in the first place? If narcissists really believe they are superior and crave public praise and attention themselves, why do they seem to give it away to you?

Well, here’s the deal – this public praise mixed with private abuse is a calculated strategy. In this blog, I’m going to show you how this strategy works so that you are no longer vulnerable to their tactics. Knowledge is power, my friend, and once you understand this dynamic, you will be able to adjust your life accordingly. Even if you are not experiencing this kind of abuse, you may be able to shine light in this darkness and help others find truth and safety.

So let’s get into it.

A Narcissist’s Public Praise

A narcissist’s public praise can take many forms. They might give you a flattering introduction, highlighting all your accomplishments, talents, and strengths in front of others. They might rave about you when they bring you up to others. They may be extra kind, affectionate, nurturing, sweet, caring, affirming, or generous with you in public. This could look like the narcissist posting memorable photos of you and them on their social media accounts. They may celebrate your milestone with public announcements to the world, telling others how blessed they are to have you in their life. They might throw extravagant parties or present you with expensive gifts in front of others. Now, there is nothing narcissistic or manipulative about these actions in and of themselves. Many people will do these kinds of gestures to express their genuine love and appreciation for others. Some people are given a gift of hospitality, generosity, and networking. They genuinely use those gifts to bless others. However, these gestures become sinister when the person making them publicly has a habit of transforming into a completely different person behind doors.

Why Narcissists Praise in Public and Tear Down in Private:

Why do narcissists do this? There are two main reasons: to maintain their image and to gain control over you.

Image Control

It is important to the narcissist that they be viewed as a hero, an amazing husband, wife, father, mother, boss, teacher, leader, or mentor. When they heap praise on you in public, it's not just about making you feel good. It's a way for them to portray themselves as encouragers, supporters, and humble folks. Their underlying motive is to win social approval. They want others to see them as heroes, the ones who uplift others and the kind of boss, husband, wife, or partner that everyone else wishes they had. They're aiming to secure their spot as the "good ones" in this psychological game.

This allows them to construct a facade, an image of a harmonious relationship. They're saying, "Look at us, the supportive pair," “the most amazing couple,” “the most godly or virtuous family,” “or the best ministry or workplace environment or organization or spiritual community." The pretty image they paint in public makes it hard to imagine that behind closed doors, in private, they are terrorizing others.

Control Over You

Narcissists have an extreme need for control. It’s not surprising, then, that when you observe how narcissistic manipulation works, you find that much of it is designed to leverage control over others. There are lots of ways to gain control over others, and this two-faced strategy is one of them. Narcissists are aware that when they praise you in public and then tear you down in private, it messes with you. You end up feeling confused, distracted in your attempt to figure out what causes them to flip, and obsessed with finding a way to avoid the monster that emerges in private. They know that the confusion throws you off balance. And, when you are off balance, the narcissist has more control.

The dichotomy between the narcissist’s public face and private behavior causes a rift in your sense of reality. And, as you try to put back together a story that makes sense, you become more vulnerable to their other manipulative tactics. Not only that, as you try to figure out what you might be doing that causes them to flip, you are more likely to tiptoe around them, letting their behaviors go unaddressed.

This is an ideal outcome for the narcissist. You see, because narcissists do not have a mature and stable sense of identity within themselves, they are dependent on a constant flow of affirmation from other people. Without that flow of affirmation, called narcissistic supply, they are unable to regulate their emotions. To get this narcissistic supply, narcissists go to great lengths to make sure that you–their source of supply–will not leave them or challenge their sense of self.

How do they do this? Their goal is to get you as dependent on them for validation as they can. If they can get you dependent on their opinion and their praise, then it makes them feel more powerful again. They want you to be dependent on them to tell you your worth. They use the praise to raise your dopamine levels and get your guard down, and then follow the praise with derision and contempt because they know it causes your emotions to yoyo, leaving you reeling and them feeling powerful.

There’s more to this. Remember, I said this is a multi-layered manipulation strategy.

Isolating You

The next reason narcissists praise you in public and tear you down in private is to discredit you in the eyes of people outside your relationship.

How does that work? Think about it—those who’ve only seen the public, benevolent, nice, caring, generous side of the narcissist, who have been fed this illusion of love, caring, and harmony in your relationship, are likely to doubt your complaints. In their minds, they have never seen or experienced what you’re talking about. They haven’t witnessed the abuse. And on top of that, all they see is a person who speaks so highly of you, who appears to love and care about you. So what are people to conclude? How would they deal with the cognitive dissonance of what they see versus what you’re telling them? They might conclude that it’s you who is too sensitive, who has issues, who is being hard on the narcissist, who is ungrateful. It’s easy for them to dismiss your concerns or even question your perspective and wonder if it’s you who is not appreciative of the narcissist, who is being unreasonable, self-centered, or overly entitled.

Imagine the frustration—not only are you dealing with the private abuse, but you're also facing a narrative that the narcissist has carefully shaped to make you look like the bad guy or the one who is becoming unhinged while they look as cool as a cucumber, speaking in a calm, collected, and charming way. Of course, all of this could make you doubt your own sanity and wonder if you’re actually going crazy. It's like trying to find your way through a maze where the walls keep shifting. And this is exactly what the narcissist is trying to achieve with all these behaviors. It’s a sickening, diabolical form of control that is very calculated and intentional.

But it doesn’t end there. The narcissist creates this illusion of a perfect relationship in public, not only to gaslight people on the outside but also to isolate you emotionally and socially. The contradiction between the public image and private reality creates a divide that makes you feel like you’re living a double life. It can cause you to feel stuck and unable to confide in friends and family because the truth seems too far-fetched.

What You Can Do:

So, what can you do if you find yourself in this predicament?

Turn to God and turn your concerns into prayers. The first thing is always to go to God. He is your most present help in times of trouble. He is the God who hears. Prayers are powerful. They activate the spiritual dimension. Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of darkness.
Bring your concerns to God and ask Him to guide you. Ask Him to give you wisdom, lead you into His truth, and show you who you can talk to. If you can’t talk to someone in your circle of friends or family because the narcissist has effectively gaslighted everyone, talk to a coach or counselor who knows God and understands narcissistic abuse. Unless someone has gone through the cycle of narcissistic abuse and experienced gaslighting, it may be very difficult for them to understand the abuse you’ve gone through.
Journal, journal, journal. This is so important. Here’s why: Living in a toxic, narcissistic environment is destabilizing and mentally convoluted on purpose. The narcissist doesn’t want your thinking to be clear. That’s why they continually change the narrative, gaslight, create chaos, and demand all your attention. In this kind of environment, it’s difficult to tell your head from your tail. But journaling helps you to clear your head. It gets the garbage down on paper, clears your mental channels, and helps you to think through each thought to its conclusion. The clarity this brings is powerful. It can be scary, too, because you can’t deny what you’ve written down. As you journal, the patterns of manipulation become clearer. Documenting can also be useful if things go to court later.
Educate yourself: Learn about gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. Knowledge is your armor against their tactics. When you understand the tactics and what’s really going on, it’s easier not to take it personally. You don’t have to put any weight on anything the narcissist says about you, whether it's praise or put-downs, because, ultimately, it has nothing to do with you. It’s all about them and their desperate need for control and power because of how fragile they are—but they’ll never admit that to you. They take the focus off themselves by tying you into knots, but now that you understand their tactics, you don’t have to let them have any power over you. It’s my mission to help you educate yourself on these issues, so I’ve compiled a library of free resources on how to navigate toxic relationships and organized them by topic so that you can find what you are looking for quickly. I hope you find it helpful!

The Bible says, in Proverbs 4:23, “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” In other words, you have a Biblical command to protect your heart from things that would tear it down. When you are interacting with someone who is constantly attacking you with their words, you have permission–and a responsibility–to build up Godly protective measures around your heart. It is not wrong or mean. You are called to be a steward of your own heart. It’s where your life flows from! Your heart is worth protecting from those who would seek to exploit it.

Related Resources

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Find a comprehensive library of free resources on how to navigate toxic relationships here.

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