The Shepherd or the Wolf? Telling True Leaders from Narcissists

Have you ever wondered if there's a wolf in sheep's clothing among your church leadership? In this blog, I’m going to explore some startling truths and powerful tools to help you discern between Christ-centered leaders and covert religious narcissists who pose as spiritual leaders.

Imagine this scenario: you're part of a congregation, and you find yourself captivated by a leader's public charisma and charm, but behind the scenes, you start to notice a discrepancy. You hear harsh words and unreasonable demands in stark contrast to the persona preaching about loving and serving others. Would you know how to react? Would you be able to recognize the difference between a bad day and a toxic leader? If you’ve found yourself in this situation, you are not alone.

This blog will lay out in plain language the indicators and spiritual guidelines you need to be able to distinguish between genuine spiritual leadership and the destructive patterns of covert religious narcissism.

First, let’s define what makes a Christ-centered leader. A Christ-centered leader's character is consistent in public and private, setting healthy boundaries and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit as outlined in Galatians 5:22-23: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Christ-centered leaders are able to accept criticism, and they value feedback, using it as a tool to grow.

However, a covert religious narcissist, though they may outwardly mimic some of these characteristics, operates on a fundamentally different principle. You'll notice a dual persona, boundary violations, a struggle to consistently embody the fruit of the Spirit, a resistance to criticism, a pattern of entitlement, and a tendency towards division, among many other red flags.

In this blog, we will dive deeper into these contrasting characteristics to help you identify if you're dealing with a Christ-centered leader or a covert religious narcissist.

It's important to remember that even the best leaders can stumble from time to time—none of us are perfect. Every leader will have moments where they fall short, and those moments don’t automatically define their character. This blog isn't about pointing fingers at occasional mistakes or bad days; it's about recognizing enduring traits that persist across relationships and situations. A true Christ-centered leader is continually growing in Christ-likeness over time, despite their imperfections.

However, when a leader shows a pattern of consistently acting in ways that align more with the 'acts of the flesh' outlined in Galatians 5:19-21—'sexual immorality, impurity, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy'—instead of the fruit of the Spirit, it becomes clear there's a deeper issue. A covert religious narcissist, rather than growing in humility and service to others, often becomes more entangled in traits of the flesh. This contrast is key to discerning the difference between a leader who is truly following Christ and one who is using a spiritual facade to mask toxic behavior.

In the rest of this blog, we'll explore the signs and patterns of covert religious narcissism to help you make that distinction. So, let’s begin. 

1.  Consistent Character: A genuine Christian leader's character remains consistent in public and private. A covert narcissist, however, often has a dual persona - charming and caring in public yet harsh and demanding behind closed doors.
2.   Healthy Boundaries: Christ-centered leaders respect and establish healthy boundaries, recognizing that each person is responsible for their own spiritual growth. Covert narcissists blur boundaries, making the people in their “flock” dependent on them and teaching their “sheep” to believe that they cannot grow to their full potential — or even fulfill their destiny — without the leader.
3.  The Fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. While anyone can display these qualities occasionally, a Christ-centered leader will exhibit them consistently, even in challenging situations. Narcissists might struggle to display these, particularly patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. Narcissists can behave in ways that make them look loving, patient, faithful, and good in public, but these are not enduring traits. They lose their temper easily; they are easily angered, frustrated, and impatient.
4.  Response to Criticism: Genuine leaders accept criticism with grace, understanding its value for growth (Proverbs 9:8). Covert narcissists may disguise their distaste for criticism with spiritual language, labeling it as 'persecution' or a 'spiritual attack.' Alternately, they will label the person providing constructive feedback as “critical, fault finding, controlling, un-submissive or rebellious,” making the issue about the other person rather than themselves. 
5.  Focus of Worship: Christ-centered leaders continually point others towards Christ. If a leader frequently diverts attention toward themselves, their accomplishments, or their 'unique' spiritual insights, this self-focus can be a sign of covert narcissism.
6.  Gratitude vs. Entitlement: A Christ-centered leader is marked by gratitude and appreciation for the efforts and contributions of others. Narcissists, even covert ones, often feel entitled to special treatment and may express dissatisfaction or lack of appreciation when they believe they aren't being recognized enough.
7.  Accountability: Genuine Christian leaders foster a culture of mutual accountability, consistent with James 5:16, which says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Covert narcissists, however, often resist being held to the same standards as others, justifying their actions with claims of 'special grace' or 'divine prerogative.'
8.  Humility vs. False Humility: A true Christian leader embodies humility, acknowledging their own limitations and mistakes while giving credit where it's due. Narcissists may display false humility, making a show of self-deprecation while still turning the focus on themselves or subtly shifting blame onto others.
9.  Empathy vs. Manipulated Compassion: Genuine leaders empathize with others and genuinely care for their well-being (Romans 12:15). Covert narcissists may seem compassionate, but their kindness often has strings attached and is strategically used for personal gain or control.
10.  Servant Leadership vs. Self-Serving Leadership: Christ-centered leaders prioritize the needs of others while also recognizing the importance of healthy self-care. In contrast, narcissists may adopt a veneer of servant leadership but ultimately make decisions that primarily serve their interests and reinforce their power.
11.  Teachable Spirit vs. Know-it-all Attitude: Christ-centered leaders are lifelong learners, open to growth and new insights, and acknowledge that wisdom can come from a variety of sources (Proverbs 18:15). Narcissists often portray themselves as the ultimate source of knowledge, disregarding others' input and resisting change that doesn't originate from them.
12.  Transparency vs. Secrecy: Genuine leaders are transparent about their intentions, plans, and decision-making processes. They do not use deceptive or manipulative tactics. Narcissists, even covert ones, often operate in secrecy, withhold information, or misrepresent facts to maintain control and power.
13.  Harmony vs. Division: Christ-centered leaders promote unity and work towards resolving conflicts (Ephesians 4:3). Covert narcissists, however, often breed division, pitting individuals or groups against each other to strengthen or justify their position or divert attention from their actions.
14.  Response to Failure: A Christ-centered leader isn't afraid to admit their failures and learn from them (Proverbs 24:16). They understand that everyone falls short and can use these experiences to grow and change. In contrast, a covert religious narcissist may avoid admitting their mistakes, deflect blame, or, if they do acknowledge a failure, they might spin the situation to highlight their 'resilience' or 'perseverance.' This way, instead of taking responsibility, they shift the focus back to themselves, portraying themselves as heroic or strong, rather than humbly accepting their faults.
15.  Authenticity vs. Role-Playing: Christ-centered leaders are authentic, demonstrating a congruence between their words and actions. They live out their faith genuinely, not just when they are on the pulpit. On the other hand, covert religious narcissists might play roles that maintain their image. They may put on a 'holy' persona when needed, but their actions may not align with their words when they're not in the spotlight.
16.  Use of Authority: A Christ-centered leader uses their authority to serve others, following Jesus's example (Matthew 20:26-28). They empower their congregation, encouraging them to exercise their spiritual gifts. Covert religious narcissists may use their authority to control others, often stifling their spiritual growth and autonomy.
17.  Recognition of Others' Value: Christ-centered leaders recognize and appreciate the value in each member of their congregation, understanding that each person has unique gifts and roles within the Body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:14-27). Covert religious narcissists often see others in terms of their usefulness to them. If a member doesn't serve their interests, they might devalue or discard them.

Of course, anyone can have bad days or moments where they fall short, but if these negative traits are persistent, pervasive, and detrimental to the spiritual growth of the community, you may be dealing with a covert religious narcissist.

Keep in mind that awareness is the first step. If you're seeing these red flags…then it is important to go to the Lord to ask for clarity both regarding your perception and also your response. Does God have you in this person’s community to serve the leader, to help the other community members, or to pray in the hidden place concerning what you have learned? Or is God giving you insight into the trouble with the leadership to prepare you to leave and to protect you?

As Christians, we are taught that we are to be “under authority” and to pray for authority. But that does not necessarily mean that we are meant to stay in a community led by someone who engages in narcissistic behaviors and exploits and harms others. Godly leadership isn't about power; it's about selfless service, echoing the heart of the ultimate model—Jesus Christ.

So, what should you do if you find yourself under narcissistic leadership? There’s no cookie-cutter answer, but Scripture does offer several responses. David was called to stay under the toxic leadership of Saul for a season, but after a while, he had to flee. Daniel was called to serve as a narcissistic leader for many, many years, and God gave him the favor to endure it. Abigail was married to a narcissistic fool, and God rescued her from her marriage by taking Nabal out. Your first step is to be educated about what you are contending with and to prayerfully seek God for his direction in your life.

I hope you found this blog helpful. If you’d like to understand more about how covert religious narcissists use positions of leadership to manipulate, check out my free resources on religious narcissists.

Related Resources

Watch the video version of this blog here.

• Why Narcissists Love Religion: 10 Ways they Use It to Serve their Own Purpose. [Watch]
• Can You Be A Narcissist and Follow God? What Does the Bible Teach? [Watch]
• Malignant Narcissists in Ministry: How to Spot Their Covert Tactics [Watch] [Read]
• Can God Speak Through a Narcissist? How to Tell and How to Safeguard Yourself Against Deception [Read] [Watch]
• 10 Subtle Signs of Spiritual Abuse: How to Spot a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. [Read] [Watch]
• 7 Steps to Leave a Toxic Church Unscathed [Read] [Watch] 

Downloadable Resources 

• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist