The Three Deepest Fears of a Narcissist and How Their Fears Control Us
Aug 26, 2024
Narcissists are some of the most risk-tolerant, fearless types of personalities. They appear confident in their abilities. They pursue ambitious goals. Their vision of the future is full of success and impact. They seem to have it all together.
But they don’t.
Narcissists are not confident at all. All that outward show of strength masks deep fears.
In this week’s blog, we’re going to explore the three deepest fears of a narcissist, taking an intriguing dive into their inner world. This isn’t just about analyzing a narcissist’s behavior; understanding their mental world will help navigate your interactions with them. By the end of this blog, you’ll have insights into what drives a narcissist and how their inner insecurities shape their actions. You’ll understand that contrary to what the narcissist would have you believe, their behavior is not so much a reaction to you but the result of their own internal reality.
But first, I want to clarify that having these three deep-seating fears doesn’t make you a narcissist. There are specific criteria for identifying narcissistic behavior and recognizing narcissistic personalities. If you aren’t sure if you are dealing with a narcissist or just an immature person, check out my resources on how to spot narcissism. So, let’s get into it.
What are these three fears that drive narcissists?
#1 Fear of Failure
The first deepest fear is the fear of failure. This fear runs deep because narcissists feel the need to maintain an image of being perfect and superior. Their self-worth is fragile and depends a lot on how others see them and their accomplishments.
Now, how does this fear show up? Some narcissists are super performance-driven. They push themselves hard to succeed and set unrealistic goals. They’re perfectionists. They’re always aiming to be the best and never want to show any weakness. You might see a high-functioning narcissist working long hours, obsessing over details, and never being satisfied with anything less than perfect.
If a narcissist fails to reach their goals or meet their own high standards, they feel like their whole world could come crashing down. When a narcissist is going through a low point and seems broken and depressed—maybe they were called out for a wrongdoing and had to face the consequences for an action or decision—you may be tempted to think they are feeling remorse for what they did. They might be feeling badly, however, it’s not because what they did was wrong. Instead, the narcissist regrets that they didn’t manage to keep everything together the way they expected. Their brokenness and low spirits reflect the damage done to their self-image.
On the flip side, some narcissists become so paralyzed by the fear of failure that they avoid challenging activities. They might procrastinate or not set goals just to protect themselves from the possibility of failing. They’d rather do nothing than risk not meeting their own high standards.
When a challenge appears, narcissists may find ways to skirt responsibility or avoid the situation. Excuses often include, “I’m not interested in that,” or “It’s not worth my time.” They have an insatiable need for validation, a constant need to hear others tell them they’re great, so they chronically fish for compliments and reassurance with questions like, “Do you think I did a good job?” or “Wasn’t that amazing?”
What happens when a narcissist who deeply fears failure doesn’t get their way? They may project their insecurities onto others or blame external factors for their failures instead of taking responsibility. This way, they can keep their self-image intact and avoid dealing with their own shortcomings. But the fear of failure doesn’t just show up in these obvious ways. There are more subtle signs too.
When something does go wrong, their instinct is to blame others. You’ll hear them say things like, “It wasn’t my fault,” or “If it weren’t for so-and-so, everything would have been perfect.” They might also have a habit of undermining others to make themselves look better, whether it’s through spreading rumors or giving backhanded compliments.
It’s difficult to have conversations with these types of individuals because they take up a lot of space. They often steer the topic back to themselves, highlighting their own achievements and avoiding any topics that might expose their weaknesses. They might say, “That reminds me of when I…”
Narcissists often minimize others’ achievements to make themselves feel better. They might say things like, “Anyone could have done that,” or “It’s not that impressive,” to downplay someone else’s success. They also exaggerate their own successes, making their achievements sound bigger and better than they really are. You’ll hear them say things like, “I was the best in my class,” or “Everyone says I’m a natural at this.”
Here are a few other ways the narcissist’s fear of failure shows up:
Defensiveness
Narcissists are typically extremely defensiveness when criticized. They might react with denial or turn the criticism back on the accuser with statements like, “You’re just jealous,” or “You’re always so negative.” Their response is often out of proportion to the comment. This is because they feel the need to turn the focus away from their own fault.
Comparison
Narcissists frequently compare themselves to others, always trying to position themselves as better. They might say things like, “At least I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “I did way better than them.”
Selective Memory
Selective memory is another subtle sign of the narcissist’s fear of failure. They’ll remember their successes and conveniently forget their failures, recounting past events in a way that makes them look good.
Grandiose Plans
Lastly, narcissists often talk about grandiose plans and big ideas to distract from their lack of actual accomplishments. They might say things like, “I’m going to start my own company and make millions,” but never actually take steps to make it happen.
Add all this together, and you can see that narcissists have this intense need to keep up their perfect and superior image. A lot of their behavior, which can feel oppressive, hurtful, or demeaning to others, is actually driven by this deep-seated fear. If you are looking to meet new people and want to ensure you don’t get entangled with a narcissist, I created a free eBook to help you spot a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship before you get too invested.
#2 The Fear of Abandonment and Rejection
The second big fear that narcissists have is the fear of abandonment and rejection. Just like the fear of failure, this fear, too, is all about the narcissist’s desperate need to protect their special and superior self-image. If someone rejects or abandons them, their self-worth takes a heavy hit, stirring up feelings of unworthiness and shattering the perfect image they are trying to present to the world.
This fear, too, can show up in many different ways.
Gaslighting and Controlling Behavior
Gaslighting and controlling behaviors are a trademark of narcissism. Narcissists habitually twist reality and manipulate situations to make you doubt yourself. They might say things like, “You’re just being too sensitive,” or “That never happened,” to make you question your own perceptions. This way, they can keep you off balance and dependent on them, which hopefully reduces your chances of leaving them.
Hoovering
Hoovering is when a narcissist tries to pull you back into the relationship after you’ve tried to leave. They do all kinds of things to suck you back in, such as apologizing, making grand promises, or playing the victim. You might hear them say things like, “I’ll change, I promise,” or “You’re the only one who understands me.” If the narcissist can keep you from leaving, or make you come back and apologize, they can escape the feeling of abandonment.
Rage
Those fits of rage that narcissist produces when they sense you might leave or reject them are also a manifestation of the fear of abandonment. They might explode over small things or accuse you of being unfaithful or disloyal. This is their way of trying to regain control and keep you from leaving.
Self-aggrandisement
A fourth tactic is persuading you of how amazing they are. They’ll recount praise from other people, tell you how everyone else thinks they’re fantastic, and try to make you see them as irreplaceable. They might say things like, “Everyone at work thinks I’m the best,” or “You’re lucky to have me.”
Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists are always seeking validation. When you’re not giving it, they’ll go to others for their “narcissistic supply.” This is why they often keep multiple relationships going at once—so they always have someone to feed their need for admiration.
Those are obvious ways that a narcissist’s fear of abandonment and rejection shows up. Here are some more subtle signs:
They need constant contact.
Narcissists might constantly check up on you, texting or calling excessively to keep tabs on where you are and what you’re doing. They’ll say it’s because they care, but it’s really about making sure you’re not slipping away.
They monopolize your time and isolate you.
A second thing they might do is monopolize your time and isolate you from others. They might habitually make you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family, saying things like, “You don’t love me as much as them,” or “Why do you always choose them over me?”
They are chronically critical and demeaning.
When they do feel rejected, they may become chronically critical and demeaning of you. They might pick apart everything you do and try to lower your self-esteem so you won’t feel confident enough to leave. You might hear things like, “You can’t do anything right,” or “No one else would put up with you.” Again, this behavior is designed to make you dependent on them and destroy your self-confidence so that you never leave.
They always need to be the center.
Another thing they do is constantly make themselves the center of every conversation and ensure that the spotlight stays on them. Even when you try to talk about your own concerns, they’ll always quickly turn the discussion back to their own issues and needs.
The silent treatment.
In order to punish you for not supplying enough affirmation or not proving your loyalty through submission, etc., narcissists frequently resort to the silent treatment. When they feel threatened that you might reject them, they’re modus operandi is to pull away emotionally or physically, making you work harder to win back their favor.
Hopefully, these signs will help you recognize and navigate interactions with narcissists more effectively going forward. Narcissists are all about protecting their fragile self-worth and avoiding the painful reality of being rejected or abandoned.
#3 The Fear of Shame
The third big fear that narcissists have is the fear of shame. This fear, along with the fear of failure and of abandonment, all emerge from the narcissist’s need to maintain a flawless image. Their self-worth is incredibly fragile, and any hint of being wrong or making a mistake feels like a direct attack on their identity. The idea of being shamed or embarrassed is something they’ll go to great lengths to avoid.
There are plenty of examples of how narcissists avoid shame. Let's look at a few
They are defensive.
First, let’s look at their defensiveness. Narcissists have a hard time admitting when they’re wrong. They can’t handle losing an argument or being seen as flawed in any way. When you criticize them, even constructively, they might react with intense defensiveness. They’ll deny, deflect, or counterattack, saying things like, “You’re just jealous,” or “You always focus on the negative,” to turn the spotlight away from their own mistakes.
They use DARVO
Another way they avoid shame is by using DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. When confronted, narcissists often deny the accusation, attack the person who made it, and then claim that they are the real victims of the situation. For example, if you call them out on a mistake, they might respond with, “How could you accuse me of that? After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
They avoid hard topics.
Narcissists also tend to change the topic to avoid discussing their faults. If a conversation starts to highlight their shortcomings, they’ll quickly steer it in a different direction. You might be talking about a specific issue, and suddenly, they’re bringing up unrelated achievements or other people’s failures to distract from their own.
Self-Protection
Narcissists are extremely self-protective. When they feel threatened by potential shame, they’ll go into overdrive to protect their self-image. This might include lying, manipulating facts, or even rewriting history to make themselves look better. They’ll often say things like, “I never said that,” or “That’s not how it happened,” to distort the truth and avoid facing their own faults.
But the fear of shame doesn’t just show up in these obvious ways. There are more subtle signs, too.
They insist on always being right. They might dominate conversations and refuse to consider other perspectives, saying things like, “I know what I’m talking about” or “You wouldn’t understand.” This rigid thinking helps them avoid the vulnerability of being wrong.
They belittle or criticize others to elevate themselves. By putting others down, they feel less exposed to their own imperfections. You might hear them make snide remarks like, “I can’t believe you don’t know that,” or “That’s such a stupid mistake.”
They minimize or excuse their own mistakes. They’ll downplay the significance of their error or blame external circumstances. For instance, they might say, “It wasn’t that big of a deal,” or “I only messed up because I was tired.”
They use grandiosity as a shield. They’ll talk about their grand plans and extraordinary capabilities to divert attention from any flaws. You’ll hear them say things like, “I’m going to revolutionize this industry,” even if they have no concrete steps to achieve such goals.
They have a selective memory. This is a subtle sign that the narcissist is avoiding shame. They conveniently forget their failures and only remember their successes. When recounting past events, they’ll highlight the times they were praised or successful and leave out the parts where they stumbled.
Narcissists are driven by an intense need to maintain a perfect and superior image. Their deep fear of shame profoundly shapes many of their behaviors, often at the expense of those around them. Understanding this fear can give you valuable insight into their actions and help you navigate interactions with them more effectively. Remember, their reactions are more about protecting themselves than anything you've done.
Conclusion
Understanding the three deepest fears of narcissists—failure, abandonment, and shame—gives us a clearer picture of the complex dynamics that drive their behavior. Recognizing that their actions often stem from these profound insecurities rather than genuine malice can help us approach interactions with empathy and wisdom. Dealing with narcissists can be challenging, but remember, you don't have to navigate these difficult relationships alone.
The Bible provides us with wisdom and guidance in dealing with broken and difficult people. James 1:5 encourages us, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." We can seek God's wisdom to handle these relationships with grace and discernment, and God doesn’t penalize us for asking Him for wisdom. We just have to believe in Him and not doubt when we ask Him for help.
That’s all for this week! Thank you for reading. I appreciate you.
I look forward to seeing you in the next blog!
Related Resources
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Explained: Why Narcissists Hate to See You Happy [Read] [Watch]
- Shocking Insights on How a Narcissist Really Judges You [Watch]
Downloadable Resources
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