Understanding Narcissists' Enablers: Breaking the Cycle

Ever wondered how narcissists pull off their manipulative schemes? The answer is simple: they thrive on enablers. Without these people, a narcissist's destructive behavior would lose much of its power and impact.

In this blog, I uncover eight types of enablers that narcissists depend on. By the end, you’ll not only grasp why people fall into the role of enablers—each driven by unique motives—but also gain practical tools to help them recognize and break free from manipulation. Whether you're dealing with a covert or overt narcissist, understanding the role of enablers is key to disrupting the cycle of abuse.

First, let’s clarify what exactly an enabler is and why they can wreak so much havoc when a narcissist takes advantage of them. An enabler, simply put, is someone who, often without realizing it, supports or enables another person's harmful behavior.

In the context of a relationship with a narcissist, enablers play a massive role in allowing the narcissist to continue their destructive patterns unchecked. They might act out of love, fear, dependency, or simply a desire to maintain peace. However, regardless of their motivations, their actions end up reinforcing the narcissist's behavior, making it even more challenging for the narcissist to face the consequences of their actions.

This dynamic not only harms the enabler and those around them but also prevents the narcissist from being held accountable and seeking the help they desperately need. So, in this blog, I will outline for you eight types of enablers and give you some tips on how you can awaken these individuals to the sin and destruction they may be perpetuating, most of the time unknowingly, in their families, communities, or workplaces. Keep in mind that a person may fit more than one type of enabler, and you may see yourself or someone else in more than one category. 

Enabler Type 1: The Love-Bombed

The first type of enabler is the love-bombed. These individuals have been swept off their feet by the narcissist’s overwhelming generosity and charm—a tactic known as “love-bombing," which is a hallmark of narcissistic relationships. This type of enabler may have been showered with attention, affection, and praise all at once, most likely at the beginning of a relationship, and may still be in that phase. In fact, narcissists sometimes do this not only to an individual person but to an entire group of people. For example, they might love-bomb their church community or their team at work. When this group of people receives the narcissist’s lavish attention and generosity, they inevitably feel special. What’s more, they feel indebted to the narcissist.

This sense of obligation makes it challenging for them to confront or oppose the narcissist’s behavior. They want to continue being in the good graces of the narcissist, so many of them will prioritize loyalty to the narcissist over honesty. However, while they are trying to repay their debt to the narcissist, they end up enabling destructive behavior or turning a blind eye to it. Eventually, this can lead love-bombed enablers to prioritize their relationship with the narcissist over a love for the truth and even their loyalty to God.

How to help an enabler see through the love-bombing:

1. Recognize the Manipulation:

• Help the love-bombed individual understand the concept of love-bombing as a manipulative tactic. Explain how narcissists use intense affection and attention to create a sense of indebtedness and dependency.
• Encourage them to see the pattern in the narcissist’s behavior. Ask, “Can you see how the initial affection was used to secure your loyalty and compliance? Are there other times when the narcissist’s behavior shifted after you became more committed?” 

2. Reflect on the Relationship Dynamics:

• Address the feelings of indebtedness directly. Ask them to consider, “Do you feel like you owe the narcissist for their initial generosity? How is this sense of debt affecting your ability to stand up for yourself and make independent decisions?”
• Encourage them to reflect on the balance between their loyalty to the narcissist and their commitment to truth and personal integrity. Ask, “Are you prioritizing staying in the narcissist’s good graces over being truthful and loyal to your own values and beliefs?”

If you have experienced love-bombing in a relationship and you would like to safeguard yourself from entering into a relationship with a narcissist in the future, check out my free ebook, 7 Red Flags to Spot a Narcissist. The book is geared to help you identify a narcissist at the beginning of a relationship before you get too invested, so check it out if you are interested. 

Enabler Type 2: The Fearful

The fearful enablers are those who witness the harsh treatment of a scapegoat in the hands of a narcissist. A scapegoat is someone who is unfairly blamed or criticized by the narcissist, often for things they did not do or things that the narcissist did. The narcissist uses the scapegoat to send a clear message without saying a word: "Conform or face the consequences." Blaming, criticizing, and isolating the scapegoat is the narcissist’s silent and covert way of warning others not to rebel against them lest they face the consequences. This kind of subtle and insidious intimidation by the narcissist ensures that people will be compliant with them, allow them to control the situation, and impose their will—all while maintaining their grandiose and benevolent image. Watching someone be cast aside and unfairly berated instills a deep fear in potential enablers because they don’t want to be the next target. To avoid facing the scapegoat’s fate, they end up conforming to the narcissist's expectations, unknowingly enabling their behavior.  

So when you notice an enabler who is fearful of a narcissist, how do you break the cycle with whether that might be you or someone you know? Here are some things you can do: 

1. Validate Their Fears:

• Start by acknowledging and validating their fear of becoming the next scapegoat. Let them know that their fear is legitimate, given the narcissist’s behavior. Ask, “Do you feel like you might be the next target? It’s understandable to feel this way after seeing how others have been treated.”
• Help them recognize the pattern of scapegoating. Ask, “Do you see how the narcissist uses scapegoating to control others? How often have you seen this happen?”

2. Reflect on the Future:

• Encourage them to consider the long-term consequences of staying in this environment. Ask, “If you continue as you are today, what do you think your life will look like in five years? Can you handle it if things stay the same or get worse?”
• Discuss the potential impact on their relationships, career, and personal well-being. Ask, “How will this affect your kids, marriage, or career? What kind of example does this set for your children?”

3. Explore the Reasons for Staying:

• Help them explore why they stay in this relationship. Ask, “What motivates you to stay in this relationship? What do you gain from staying, and what could you potentially lose?”
• Encourage them to think critically about the benefits they believe they receive from the narcissist. Ask, “If you see this as a pattern, what makes you think that you can avoid being the next scapegoat?”

4. Emphasize Self-Worth and Safety:

• Remind them of their worth and right to a safe and respectful environment. Ask, “Is it healthy to be in an environment where you are constantly walking on eggshells? How do you see yourself navigating this fearful environment in the long term?”
• Encourage them to consider setting boundaries for their own safety and well-being. Ask, “What boundaries can you set to protect yourself? How can you enforce these boundaries?”

5. Highlight the Impact on Others:

• Encourage them to consider the impact of their behavior on their loved ones. Ask, “How will staying in this fearful relationship affect the people you love? What message does it send to your children when they see you walking on eggshells? How does living in fear affect your ability to show up in your marriage?”
• Use their concern for others as a motivator. Ask, “What could your current behavior cost other people? How will your actions affect those you care about?”

6. Encourage Seeking Support:

• Encourage them to seek support from friends, family, or support groups who understand narcissistic abuse. A supportive community can provide validation and strength.
• Suggest professional counseling or coaching to navigate their fears and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

When you are speaking with a fearful enabler, telling them to grow a spine isn’t an effective approach. Remember that they are enduring intense manipulation and most likely have very legitimate concerns about how the narcissist might treat them in the future. As you validate their fears and help them to consider how past patterns might affect their future, you can create space for them to reflect on why they are staying. In that process, reaffirm that they are valuable to you and before God. Reaffirm their self-worth and the importance of their physical, emotional, and spiritual safety. As you create a space for them to seek support and reflect on the cost of staying in the relationship, you can help a fearful enabler awaken to the reality of their situation. This awakening can empower them to break free from the cycle of fear and reclaim their autonomy, making choices that prioritize their well-being and integrity.

Enabler Type 3: Craving for Approval

These enablers are craving for approval. These are often individuals who've been wounded by past interactions with narcissists. They’ve learned from past relationships that love and approval hinge on performance, and so, in their current relationship, they're caught in a relentless pursuit of validation. This type of enabler is often stuck in a pattern of co-dependency. They feel compelled to constantly prove their worth. This vulnerability makes them easy prey for narcissists, who exploit their need for approval and continually reinforce the idea that the enabler is only as good as their last act. It is a vicious cycle– an unattainable standard these enablers are forever trying to meet and always falling short of—which only reinforces their sense of unworthiness. 

So when you notice an enabler who is craving for the approval of a narcissist, how do you break the cycle with whether that might be you or someone you know? 

1. Highlight the Pattern:

• Start by gently acknowledging their pursuit of approval. You might say, “It looks to me like you really want this person's approval. What need is their approval meeting for you?”
• Make an observation about the stress they experience. “It seems devastating and stressful for you when [so and so] doesn't approve of you. Why do you think that is?”

2. Encourage Self-Reflection:

• Help them explore the root cause of their need for approval. Ask, “What do you think could possibly be at the root of your needing their approval? Is your approval of yourself not enough?”
• Encourage them to think about their self-worth. “Do you think you might not approve of yourself enough? How might that be affecting your need for someone else's approval?”

3. Discuss the Consequences:

• Discuss how their constant need for approval impacts their well-being. Ask, “What would happen to you if they didn’t approve of you? How does chasing their approval affect your mental and emotional health?”
• Help them see the unattainable standards they are trying to meet. “Do you realize that trying to constantly prove your worth to them sets an impossible standard? How does this cycle make you feel about yourself?”

4. Foster Self-Worth:

• Encourage activities and practices that build self-esteem. Suggest, “What are some things you can do to start approving of yourself more? How can you meditate on God’s heart towards you? Can you list your strengths and accomplishments?”
• Affirm their intrinsic value. “You are worthy and valuable just as you are, without needing to prove anything to anyone. How can you remind yourself of this daily?”

By acknowledging their patterns, encouraging self-reflection, discussing the consequences, fostering self-worth, challenging the need for external validation, supporting healthy boundaries, and recommending professional help, you can help those craving approval start to break free from the cycle. This awakening empowers them to validate themselves, build healthier relationships, and reclaim their sense of worth.

Enabler Type 4: The Peacekeepers

Peacekeepers prioritize harmony and avoid conflict at all costs. Not all peacekeepers are enablers, but they can become enabling to a narcissist. Peacemakers enable the narcissist by smoothing over conflicts, making excuses for the narcissist’s behavior, and prioritizing peace over confronting the underlying issues. Their desire to maintain a peaceful environment leads them to tolerate and even justify the narcissist's actions. This desire to maintain a peaceful environment and not confront the hard issues doesn’t bring real peace. It is a counterfeit peace, where people have to walk on eggshells because only the symptoms are being treated and not the real sin.  Peacekeepers are a type of enabler who will compromise truth in order to maintain a false peace.

How do you awaken this type of enabler?

Peacemaking vs. peacekeeping:

Invite the peacekeeper to reflect on how they are approaching their value for peace. The distinction between the role of a peacekeeper and a peacemaker might be helpful for this conversation. Peacemakers are actively involved in addressing the root issues, and helping the parties in a conflict to reach a sustainable peace. Peacekeepers, on the other hand, are there to prevent escalation. Peacekeepers often sacrifice long-term goals for short-term stability and take a much more passive approach to conflict. Their main objective is to avoid confrontation, not to create grounds for a better future.

• You could say, “I'm concerned about the role you play in this relationship. It seems to me that peace is really important to you, but I'm wondering if you're a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?” And you could illustrate the difference between the two. You could say, “I’m concerned that you're trying to keep the peace, but in doing so, you're perpetuating a problem.”
• You could ask, "Do you see yourself as a peacemaker or a peacekeeper? Do you see a difference between those two?" 

Enabler Type 5: The Manipulated

The manipulated enablers are those who fall prey to the narcissist's manipulation. They might not even realize they're enabling the narcissist because they've been convinced that the narcissist's warped reality is the truth. These individuals earnestly support the narcissist, thinking they're defending someone who's misunderstood or unfairly criticized.

How do you awaken the enablers who are manipulated?

They don't even know they're being manipulated. I believe the only thing you can do for people in this situation is to stick to the truth. These enablers are being gaslit and are losing touch with reality. 

Unfortunately, when an enabler is so deeply affected by manipulation, they can become dangerous because they carry out second-hand abuse. In this situation, there's not much you can do. You may have to step away from relationships with these individuals until they come to realize that something is wrong and their eyes are opened to the truth. Usually, they will have to learn the hard way. 

In the meantime, do your best to affirm what is real. Do not allow yourself to be gaslit by them. Accept the hard process they might have to go through to arrive at the truth. You might need to grieve and accept that it may not be your place to help them reach that truth or to save them from needless pain.

If you’re a true peacemaker and you bring truth to manipulated enablers, they may perceive your actions as offensive or rebellious. You might be accused of trying to cause division and could end up being painted as the villain. In these situations, it’s crucial to discern whether this is truly your battle and if it’s where you should be expending your energy. It might not be worth it unless the Lord tells you to do it. If you do not have the grace to try to reach out to these enablers, you can pray for them from a distance.

If you do feel led to have a conversation with these enablers, you could ask “Have you spoken to the other party? Do you know both sides of the story? Is it possible that what you believe isn't true? Are you willing to examine other points of view?”

There is a Proverb that says, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” (Proverbs 18:17). Another proverb says, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.” (Proverb 18:13). So the Bible is clear that it is wise to listen to all the sides and all the perspectives before making a judgment, and it is also foolish and shameful not to.

Enabler Type 6: The Dependent

The dependent enablers are individuals who rely on the narcissist for their financial, emotional, or social stability. This creates a power dynamic where they feel compelled to support the narcissist's behavior to maintain their own security. It's like how, during King Louis' reign, the nobles became dependent on him, living in Versailles and conforming to his expectations, ultimately suffering financially. Similarly, in cults, leaders can turn staff into yes-men by fulfilling their social, financial, and spiritual needs, trapping them in a cycle of dependency. This can play out in families as well, where a spouse or child may not be able to assert independence because they are dependent on a narcissist.

Make an observation: You could say to them, “I'm concerned that you are locked into a relationship with this person because you're dependent on them financially, emotionally, socially, whatever. I believe this puts you in a very dangerous position.” 

Suggest a backup plan: If the person you are speaking to is dealing with a narcissist at work or at church, you might tell them, “I really encourage you to start making friendships and community outside of this circle before you find yourself in a position of having nothing at all. Start building up resources outside, get another job.” 

If you are speaking with a spouse or child who is dependent on a narcissist, please tread very carefully. Before you open up the topic at all, you need to accept that it may not be possible for them to leave their situation. You probably are not fully aware of the level of their dependency, the consequences they may face if they try to leave, and the level of psychological and emotional manipulation they are navigating. Be clear with yourself that your role is not to bring them to any particular decision. Try to extend understanding to dependent family members who may be acting against their will in order to preserve their own safety at home. Be extremely sensitive to their safety, and do not send them written text messages about your concerns or voice them when the narcissist is in the same area. If you are navigating a relationship with a dependent enabler in this kind of situation, I encourage you to read Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims by Darby Strickland. Is It Abuse will walk you through how to have these conversations with the victim of domestic abuse and how you and your community can support them as they seek safety and independence. 

Enabler Type 7: The Optimists

The optimists are the enablers who always see the glass half full, believing in the potential for change and growth, even in a relationship with a narcissist. They cling to moments of good behavior as signs of progress, hoping that things will improve over time. Their unwavering optimism and faith in redemption keep them invested in the relationship, giving the narcissist countless chances to change, even in the face of repeated negative patterns.

How do you awaken the optimists?

1. Recognize the Patterns:

Cycle of violence: Help optimists observe the cycle of behavior in their relationship with the narcissist. This cycle often includes a pattern of tension-building, abusive incidents, reconciliation, and calm. By recognizing this pattern, optimists can see that moments of good behavior are often part of a larger, destructive cycle.

Future-faking: Explain the concept of future-faking, where narcissists make grand promises about the future to keep the optimists invested. These promises are rarely fulfilled, but they exploit the optimist’s hope for positive change.

2. Contextualize Their Optimism:

Larger context: Encourage optimists to see things within a broader context. Ask them to consider, “Are these moments of good behavior truly indicative of lasting change, or are they part of a pattern designed to keep you hopeful and compliant?”

Facilitating change vs. enabling sin: Help them understand that their optimism doesn’t have to be abandoned. Instead, it should be balanced with realism. Ask them, “Is your optimism facilitating the change you’re hoping for, or is it enabling the continuation of harmful behavior?” 

3. Encourage Setting Boundaries:

For their health: Optimists need to understand the importance of setting boundaries for their own well-being. Boundaries help protect them from ongoing harm and can also serve as a test of the narcissist’s genuine intent to change.

Test intent to change: Encourage them to set clear, consistent boundaries and observe whether the narcissist respects them. This can be a powerful indicator of whether the narcissist is truly willing to change or is merely manipulating the situation to maintain control. 

4. Maintain Hope with Caution:

Balanced Optimism: Reassure optimists that they don’t have to give up their positive outlook or stop praying for change. However, they should pair their hope with caution and critical thinking. Ask, “How can you remain hopeful while also protecting yourself and ensuring that your optimism isn’t being exploited?”

Healthy Skepticism: Encourage a healthy level of skepticism. Remind them that it’s okay to hope for the best, but they should also prepare for the possibility that the narcissist may not change. 

This balanced approach can help the optimist make more informed decisions about their relationship. By helping optimists see the patterns in their relationship, contextualize their hope, set healthy boundaries, and maintain a balanced outlook, they can begin to awaken to the dynamics at play. Their optimism can remain a strength, but it will be tempered with the wisdom and caution necessary to protect themselves from ongoing harm.

Enabler Type 8: The Empathizers

Empathizers are often deeply compassionate individuals who understand and even sympathize with the narcissist’s behavior, attributing it to past trauma or emotional wounds. This profound empathy can lead them to excuse the narcissist's actions and prioritize the narcissist's emotional needs over their own well-being and the well-being of others.

To awaken empathizers to the harmful dynamics they are perpetuating, consider the following points:

1. Empathy vs. Enabling:

It's important for empathizers to distinguish between showing empathy and enabling destructive behavior. They need to understand that while it's good to be compassionate, it’s equally important to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions.

You can explain, "Yes, we are called to forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean we ignore harmful behavior. True compassion involves helping others grow and change, which sometimes means holding them accountable."

2. Consequences of Excusing Behavior:

Highlight consequences: Highlight the unintended consequences of excusing the narcissist's behavior. By not requiring the narcissist to face their own issues, empathizers may inadvertently allow the narcissist to continue hurting others.

Ask them to reflect: "By prioritizing the narcissist’s needs and excusing their actions, are you really helping them, or are you enabling their destructive patterns? How might this be impacting others around you?"

3. Protecting Others:

Encourage empathizers to think about the broader impact of their actions. Explain that by not addressing the narcissist's behavior, they might be allowing other people to be harmed. 

Pose thought-provoking questions: "What message are you sending by allowing the narcissist to avoid dealing with their issues? How might this decision affect those who are also suffering due to the narcissist's behavior?"

By helping empathizers understand the fine line between empathy and enabling and encouraging them to hold the narcissist accountable while also caring for themselves, they can begin to awaken to the dynamics at play. It’s about finding a balance where their compassion is a strength, not a vulnerability, and where they can promote real, positive change without sacrificing their own well-being or the safety of others.

Conclusion

By recognizing these various groups and their underlying motives, it becomes easier to understand the multifaceted dynamics of enabling behavior and to provide appropriate support and interventions for those involved.

Understanding the different types of narcissistic enablers is crucial to breaking the cycle of abuse. Each enabler, whether they're manipulated, fearful, craving approval, or simply trying to keep the peace, plays a significant role in allowing the narcissist to continue their harmful behaviors unchecked. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to making sure we do not fall into these traps ourselves. With the tools to approach others with honesty, validation, and support, we can also help others awaken to these destructive dynamics. 

Remember, it’s essential to approach these situations with care, wisdom, and sometimes a bit of distance to protect your own well-being.

Breaking the cycle isn’t easy, but with the right tools and support, it’s possible to reclaim your autonomy and foster healthier, more authentic relationships!

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Related Resources

Watch the video version of this blog here.

• Top 10 Mind Games that Narcissists Play to Throw You Off Balance and Control You [Watch] [Read]
• Scapegoat Supply: Why Narcissists Obsessively Depend on Scapegoats to Maintain Their Image [Watch] [Read]
• Are Narcissists Traumatized or Demonized? [Watch] [Read]
• How to Pray for Yourself While You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist [Watch]

Downloadable Resources 

• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist