When a Narcissist Loses Control Over You: Ten Unique Things They Will Do
Dec 05, 2023
What happens when the narcissist in your life realizes that they no longer have control over you? Maybe you have caught on to their deceptions and manipulation and have taken your power back. Maybe you have set boundaries and put space between yourself and them or ended the relationship altogether. How might they react to that? In this blog, I'm going to share ten unique things that a narcissist will do when they lose control. This knowledge will help you to know what to expect. And at the end, I’ll share some ways you can be empowered to stand strong in the midst of the manipulation.
1. They Love-Bomb You
Oftentimes, narcissists will begin their attempts to regain control with love-bombing. They will shower you with gifts and attention. They will suddenly begin to do all the things you were praying and wishing they would have done during the relationship. Maybe during the relationship, you pleaded with them to go to counseling with you, to pray together, read the Bible together, go to church with you, or spend more quality time to develop the “us” aspect of the relationship, but those requests fell on deaf ears. Now that you have taken your power back and implemented distance in the relationship, even ended it, they are paying attention to you, giving you gifts, and wanting to go for counseling. They are suddenly reading the Bible or doing all the things you wanted them to do–and more. What the heck?
Are they now a changed person? Have your actions led them towards a change of heart?
Perhaps.
To really be able to tell, I would encourage you to watch my video called “Genuine Repentance or Control Tactic.” If they have genuinely repented, you should be able to see them doing these three things. First, they should be tackling the real heavy-duty issues behind the obvious problems (not just learning how to minimize the manifestations of their issues). Second, they should be sticking it out over an extended period of time. If you are dealing with an abuser or addict, two years is a good rule of thumb. Third, they should be making themselves accountable to people who understand how to work with very manipulative and high-conflict personalities. The narcissist needs to give authority to these people, and they need to be people who can see through the manipulations and deceptions of narcissism.
When a narcissist is not interested in actually changing but wants to give the appearance of change to regain control over you, they will not do the real heavy-duty internal work. Instead, they will pursue superficial changes on their terms. If that is the case, all these superficial changes, and love-bombing with gifts and attention are just an attempt to get you back under their control, not a demonstration of deep change.
2. They Re-invent Themselves.
The second thing a narcissist does when he or she loses control over you is to re-invent themselves into a new person–the person you want them to be or the person they think you want them to be. This new reinvented look or persona gives the illusion that you are interacting with a changed person, however, this person has not done the hard work needed to create inner heart change, they’ve only addressed the externals. It’s like someone who has cracks in their foundation. Instead of dealing with the cracks within themselves, they repaint over those cracks with beautiful glossy white paint.
3. They Hoover You Back In
The third thing a narcissist does when he or she loses control over you is to hoover you back in. Hoovering involves finding all kinds of ways to try to suck you back into the relationship. They may respect your boundaries at first, but then find all kinds of ways to erode your boundaries of minimal/no contact. After seemingly accepting your boundaries, you’ll find that they have pushed them to the limit. The narcissist may still try to call, text, email, or instant message you even though you told them not to. They may create all kinds of emergencies to get you to resume contact with them. They may try to contact you through other people, through their friends or family members. A narcissist’s attempts to test and push your boundaries are relentless. Eventually, they assume they will be able to wear your boundaries out entirely. Even if you keep your boundaries, you may find yourself exhausted by their endless manipulative attempts to get you back in contact with you and suck you back into their orbit.
4. They will Gaslight You and Others
The fourth thing a narcissist does when he or she loses control over you is to gaslight you and others. They will rewrite the narrative to make themself into the victim and shift focus to themselves. This often involves twisting your healing journey and efforts to recover your identity and strengthen yourself into things that have a damaging effect on them, as if somehow you are injuring them. This grand rewrite reverses the roles: They take on the position of victim and turn you into the perpetrator. This rewriting then gaslights all those around you, making it difficult for them to discern the truth of the situation.
If you are spiritual, they will gaslight you into questioning whether you are following God's will, making you out to be the unstable person, who needs healing, who is not behaving in a way that is honoring to God, or who is holding on to bitterness or unforgiveness. They will use the scriptures to manipulate you, to cause you to doubt your ability to hear God, and to question all your decisions.
5. They Recruit Others
The fifth thing a narcissist does when he or she loses control over you is to recruit people to do their bidding to talk you into getting back into the relationship. They may present a distorted or biased version of the facts to professionals, counselors, ministers, leaders, friends, and family members who have zero to little understanding of abuse, trauma, narcissism, or personality disorders. Those professionals, counselors, ministers or leaders, family members, and friends have no idea that they are dealing with a wolf in sheep’s clothing and end up getting used by the narcissist. They become like a spokesperson for the narcissist and try to coerce you back into the relationship and inflict second-hand abuse in the process. Some of these people may be susceptible to being used by the narcissist because they too have narcissistic traits within themselves. However, well-intentioned people can end up being used by a narcissist and cause a lot of damage to the victims of narcissistic abuse. Because of their inability to discern what is going on, these people end up betraying the very people that God would have wanted them to defend.
6. They Threaten Suicide or Neglect Their Health
The sixth thing a narcissist does when he or she loses control over you is to threaten to commit suicide or become careless with their health to the point of becoming seriously ill. They may stop taking medication or refuse to go to the hospital or get treatments because the narcissistic supply that they can get by triggering you is more valuable to them than actually getting well. A narcissist might also fake being ill to manipulate or gaslight you into feeling selfish for leaving or taking space.
All these tactics are meant to make you feel that you are being heartless and selfish for moving on with your life as a means to suck you back into the relationship with them. But if the narcissist can’t use these first six manipulation tactics to regain control, they move on to more aggressive tactics.
7. They Smear Your Name
After they rewrite history, distort facts, and refuse to look inward, they will spread false reports about you to friends family, and other people to manage their image. They may start a PR campaign about their side of the story to preemptively negate anything you might say.
8. They Stalk You
The narcissist may stalk you and track your activities and whereabouts. They may follow you online and on social media. They might sit in their car in your parking lot or show up to all the places that you go to. They may install software on your phone or computer to track what you are doing and who you are talking to online. They might put cameras in your house. They may enter your home without your permission, or in defiance of your telling them not to (especially if they have a key).
9. They Threaten You and Try to Destroy You
They may threaten you, seek to destroy you, and try to bring your demise. This is when the narcissist sees you as their enemy and will behave in a level of cruelty and vindictiveness that you have never seen before. Their sole aim would be to do whatever they can to cause you the most pain while still maintaining their image as the victim and the good guy. They may insidiously find ways to take what is most important to you, to sabotage or undermine anything that is bringing you joy or fulfillment.
10. They Immediately Replace You
The tenth thing a narcissist does when he or she loses control over you is to immediately replace you as if you never existed, as if you never meant anything to them. If the tactics above fail to regain control over you, or even if the narcissist does get you back, they may decide to teach you a lesson using the cruelest discard possible. So, they immediately replace you with someone else. It’s sick. A narcissist’s inability to form deep connections makes it possible for them to act so cruelly. Their hearts were never truly invested in you, allowing them to easily switch off their feelings like a light switch when angered or disappointed by your resistance to their desires. This ability to toggle emotions makes their attachments shallow, and relationships for them are typically a means to an end.
What You Can Do About It
If you are experiencing these control tactics after trying to end a relationship or set boundaries with a narcissist, I encourage you to do the following:
- Spend time in prayer.
- Invite God to be in the driver’s seat of your life.
- Ask Him for continual wisdom and guidance in every situation and every interaction concerning the narcissist or the people who have been influenced by the narcissist.
- Ask Him to give you strength to resist the tactics of the enemy that are at play through the narcissist who is trying to get you back into their web.
- Meditate on God’s character.
Remember that God is a very different being than the narcissist. While a narcissist is influenced by the devil, whose goal is to steal, kill and destroy, God’s plans are not to harm you but to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future. God has much better and brighter plans for you compared to the narcissist who is seeking to enslave you.
There is a beautiful Psalm I would like to leave with you. You can read this in your own Bible in Psalms 121.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
So remember that you are not without help. God is always watching over you and is mighty to protect you from all harm. The narcissist might do things to try to control, or enslave, or leave you destitute, but God is greater and He has your back.
I hope this blog helped give you insight into the controlling tactics of the narcissist. Even more than that, I hope this blog helps you not to fear, but to see that God is greater than the narcissist. If you put your trust in Him and let Him be in the driver’s seat of your life, He will watch over you and keep you from all harm.
In case you are thinking of leaving, or have left a toxic environment, check below for a list of resources that you might find helpful.
Related Resources
Watch the video version of this blog here.
If you are experiencing gaslighting, check out these resources:
If you’ve left a relationship with a narcissist:
- Five Ways to Accelerate Your Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship [Read] [Watch]
- How to Cope After a Breakup with a Narcissist [Read]
If you are unsure if the narcissist has really repented:
- Genuine Repentance or Control Tactic [Watch]
- Can Narcissists Genuinely Repent? What the Bible Says about a Narcissist's Transformation [Watch] [Read]
Find more resources in our topic-based catalog
Downloadable Resources
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