Why God Allows Toxic Relationships: 5 Ways He Uses Them for Your Good

Ever wonder why God allows toxic relationships in your life? What if those painful experiences are actually part of His plan to transform you, heal deep wounds, and prepare you for a greater purpose? In this article, I'll share five powerful ways God uses toxic relationships for your good. 

#1: God is Strengthening Your Identity in Him.

Toxic relationships often involve blame, shame, and manipulation, which can leave you feeling off-balance, especially in environments like a toxic workplace or even ministry, where you never really know where you stand from one day to the next. In these moments, it's crucial to know your identity in Christ, to understand God’s love for you, and to reach a place where His approval and affirmation matter more than what others think.

You see, in a toxic relationship, the enemy often works to distort your sense of self. You may start questioning your worth, feeling confused about where you stand with others, or even doubting whether God cares. But God uses these situations to remind you that your value is not determined by people’s opinions or approval. It's found in Him alone. God wants to bring you to a place where your confidence comes not from how others treat you, but from knowing that you are His beloved child, deeply loved and fully accepted.

Toxic relationships can expose our unhealthy need for approval, forcing us to confront areas in our hearts where we may have placed too much importance on what people think. This is where God starts to prune those parts of us that are overly dependent on human affirmation. He wants to strip away the layers of insecurity, fear of rejection, and people-pleasing tendencies so we can fully embrace our identity in Christ.

It’s in these hard moments of rejection or betrayal that we often come face to face with the reality that people can’t define us—only God can. When we let go of the need for others’ approval, we allow God to reshape our identity into something that’s unshakable. We become like a tree deeply rooted in His love. So when the storms of life come, when people gossip or reject you, you’re not easily swayed. Instead, you stand firm, knowing that your foundation is in Christ, and nothing can move you.

God uses these painful experiences to deepen your spiritual roots and strengthen your resilience. He is preparing you to become someone who doesn’t waver when circumstances change, but who stands firm because you know exactly who you are in Him.

#2 God is Enlarging Your Faith.

He is building up that faith muscle. When you're in a toxic relationship, it often feels like everything contradicts the promises God has spoken over your life. Can you relate to that? So the real question becomes: will you believe the circumstances around you, or will you trust God’s Word?

Think about the story of Jacob in the Bible. After receiving an incredible blessing from his father and having a life-changing encounter with God—where he saw angels ascending and descending a ladder between heaven and earth—he suddenly found himself working for 20 long years under his toxic, manipulative uncle. Can you imagine how discouraging that must have been? He probably questioned whether something was wrong with him, whether he had made a mistake, or if he would ever escape that situation. Year after year went by with no apparent change. It was a real test of his faith. But Jacob had to hold on to the vision God had given him to get through those 20 years.

You may find yourself in a similar place, where week after week, month after month, and maybe even year after year, things don’t seem to change. But the question is, do you trust God with the promises He has spoken over your life? Do you trust that He will bring you into your purpose, even when it feels like the person in the relationship—perhaps someone in a position of power over you, like a boss or spiritual leader or partner or family member—holds all the control? Maybe that person has the authority to promote or demote you, or perhaps they seem to hold the key to your future opportunities.

Here’s the truth: while God may use certain people to open doors for you and help you step into your calling, those same people do not have the power to control your destiny. Don’t give more authority to people than they deserve. Look to God as your ultimate source. He alone is the orchestrator of your destiny. If you are faithful to Him and He is pleased with you, no one can stop His plan for your life. Only God has that kind of power. Trust Him to move mountains and work miracles on your behalf. When the time is right, He will do it. Hold on to His promises. Remember, perseverance is the fruit of your faith.

#3: God Wants to be Your One and Only Father and Mother.

You may have grown up with dysfunctional parents, leaving you feeling emotionally wounded or neglected. Now, you might find yourself working for a dysfunctional boss or leader—someone who is supposed to reflect God's character but falls short, perhaps because they are dealing with their own deep wounds and brokenness.

These people could be your pastors, teachers, leaders, or bosses, but at the end of the day, they are just human. They are flawed, like all of us, and prone to mistakes. Sometimes, we place our leaders on a pedestal, expecting them to fulfill roles in our lives that only God can truly fill. We look to them for guidance, approval, and care in ways that should be reserved for God. But God wants to be the one sitting on the throne of your life, not any human leader.

Often, we seek spiritual mothers and fathers in our leaders, hoping they will provide the nurturing, wisdom, or protection we never received from our earthly parents. We may even feel disappointed when they fall short of these expectations. However, the Bible clearly reminds us that we have only one true Father in heaven. In Matthew 23:9, Jesus said, 'Do not call anyone on earth 'father,' for you have one Father, and He is in heaven.' This doesn’t mean we can’t respect or honor those in authority over us, but it highlights that only God can meet our deepest needs and be the perfect Father who never fails us.

God may allow you to be under toxic or dysfunctional leaders not to harm you, but to reveal Himself to you as the ultimate Father and Mother who deeply cares for you. In those moments of disappointment, rejection, or even betrayal, God steps in to fill the gap. He wants you to experience His unconditional love, the kind that is not dependent on how well you perform or how others perceive you. His love is steadfast and unshakable.

When you encounter that love from God, it transforms you. You stop relying on others for validation or approval because the security of being loved by God becomes your foundation. His love provides stability, so no person’s rejection, criticism, or failure can uproot you. Whether you face challenges in relationships with your parents, bosses, or leaders, God’s love is the anchor that holds you steady. When His love takes center stage in your life, you’ll find yourself less dependent on others' approval and more confident in your identity as His child.

#4: God is Healing Deep Wounds.

It may seem counterintuitive that God would allow you to enter a painful situation to heal you from past pain, but often, that's exactly how He works. Sometimes, the deeper the wound, the greater the intensity of the environment He allows us to be in to bring that wound to the surface for healing. Toxic relationships are like mirrors that reflect the unresolved pain, trauma, and insecurities we’ve buried deep inside.

In these moments, the toxic situation isn’t designed to break you but to reveal to you the areas in your heart that still need healing. When all the 'junk' comes up—the insecurities, the old hurts, the emotional scars—it’s God’s way of saying, 'Let’s deal with this together.' These buried wounds are often formed in childhood, especially during the first five years of life, where foundational relationships with parents or caregivers shape much of our emotional and psychological landscape.

God isn’t trying to inflict more pain by allowing you to endure a toxic environment. Rather, He uses these situations to expose what’s been hidden for too long, encouraging you to come to Him for deep, lasting healing. God is not the author of toxic relationships, but He can certainly use them to bring you into a place of freedom. Toxic people and situations are like pressure points—they expose where our greatest hurts and vulnerabilities lie. When these wounds are uncovered, it’s an invitation to turn to God and allow His grace and healing to work in those areas.

What you might not realize is that healing from a toxic relationship often requires going back to the root—to the wounds that began in childhood, particularly with your parental figures or primary caregivers. These relationships may have been dysfunctional or absent, leaving deep scars. Toxic relationships in adulthood bring those unhealed places to the forefront, giving you the opportunity to address them. But here’s the good news: this painful season is not permanent. God promises that it will come to an end.

And when this season does end, you will be better for it. You'll find yourself surrounded by healthier, more life-giving people, and you’ll walk away stronger, more whole, and more confident in your identity in Christ. The key is to view this trial not as a punishment, but as a divine opportunity for healing. If you embrace this season as part of God’s plan for deeper restoration in your life, you’ll emerge from it not only healed but transformed.

#5: God is Training You for Your Purpose.

Sometimes, the most brilliant and gifted people are also deeply toxic. Have you ever encountered someone like that? These individuals often excel in life because of their extraordinary talents, intelligence, or charisma, yet they have significant character flaws. You might find yourself working in an environment surrounded by such people. While it can be frustrating or even painful, sometimes God places us around these individuals to stretch us, increase our capacity, and refine our own skills and talents.

There's a popular saying by Jim Rohn: 'You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.' While this doesn't mean we should embrace the toxic traits of those around us, it does suggest that being in proximity to talented, high-achieving individuals can influence us in positive ways. Their work ethic, creativity, and intelligence might sharpen you, even if their negative qualities are something you must guard against. The key is to filter what you absorb—take in the good, reject the toxic.

Think about Joseph in the Bible. He endured incredibly toxic environments, first in Potiphar’s house and later in prison, where he was wrongfully imprisoned. Despite the toxic dynamics, Joseph didn’t waste those seasons. He developed practical, valuable skills like managing an entire household and running a prison. These experiences became his training ground, equipping him for his ultimate calling—to govern Egypt as Pharaoh’s right-hand man. God used even those painful, unjust seasons to prepare Joseph for greatness.

In the same way, God may have placed you around toxic people who are extremely talented and intelligent because there are things you need to learn from them—things you wouldn’t be exposed to otherwise. This is part of your training for the destiny God has planned for you. The important thing to remember is that you are there for a season, and God’s purpose in that season is to develop skills and qualities in you that will be essential for your future.

So, if you’re in a toxic relationship or work environment and God hasn’t yet released you from it, don’t waste the experience. Instead, focus on what God is doing in your heart and in your life during this time. Sometimes, the most valuable growth happens in the most uncomfortable places. If you can navigate this trial well—looking to God for wisdom, strength, and guidance—there are hidden gems in this experience that will prepare you for what’s next. This process, though challenging, will make you stronger, wiser, and better equipped to step into your ultimate calling.

Conclusion

In conclusion, while toxic relationships are incredibly painful, they can also be transformative if we allow God to work through them. These relationships are not meant to break us but to refine us, to reveal the areas where we still need healing, and to prepare us for the greater things God has in store. Through strengthening your identity in Him, enlarging your faith, revealing Himself as your ultimate Father and Mother, healing deep wounds, and using these difficult people and circumstances as part of your training, God is always working for your good.

Remember, you are not stuck in this season forever. God has a plan to bring you out stronger, more whole, and better prepared for the destiny He has designed for you. The key is to trust Him through the process. Instead of focusing solely on the pain or unfairness of the situation, ask, ‘God, what are You teaching me through this? What is Your purpose in this season?’

If you can hold on to God’s promises, persevere through the trials, and embrace the lessons that come with them, you’ll find that these difficult experiences will shape you into a person of resilience, wisdom, and strength. And when the time comes, you’ll step into the next season of your life more equipped to fulfill your God-given purpose.

I hope this article has encouraged you to see toxic relationships through a different lens—one where God is always at work, even in the most challenging situations. If you found this helpful, please share it with others who might need this message. Thank you for reading, and may you continue to trust God through every season of your life.

To watch the video version of this article, click here.

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