5 Things God is Doing for Good When You Are in a Toxic Relationship

Toxicity is increasing in our world today. It is becoming more and more common for people to find themselves in toxic relationships. You might be in that situation right now.

I have news for you.  Toxicity is not your destiny. It might feel like you're never going to get out of it, but God's destiny for you is always the Promised Land—the place that is filled with milk and honey—not toxicity.

God's plan for you is freedom, while the enemy's goal is to keep you small, enslaved, and constrained. Maybe you are in a toxic relationship or environment because of wrong choices that led you there. There may have been red flags along the way, but you ignored them and went forward anyway, thinking it wasn't a big deal or that things would change. Perhaps you're in a toxic relationship through no fault of your own--your family members or work associates are toxic, so it would be complicated to simply end those relationships. Maybe God led you into a relationship or environment that started well but then became toxic over time.

Many leaders in the Bible had to serve under toxic people. In the Old Testament, Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers and was forced to serve under an Egyptian official named Potiphar. Later, Joseph became a slave in prison. King David had to serve under King Saul before God promoted him as king over Israel. Jacob had to work for a toxic, manipulative man named Laban for twenty years before God promoted him and made him the patriarch of the nation of Israel. An all-time example of a toxic environment is the four hundred years of slavery of the Israelites under King Pharaoh. Believe it or not, God ordained that season of slavery. His people had to pass through that trial of slavery before they could enter the Promised Land. So if you have a high calling on your life, chances are good that God will require you to endure a season of toxicity.

If you're called to be a leader, you will likely have to serve under a toxic leader. But don't lose heart. There are always gems and blessings that come forth from a season like that, no matter how difficult or devastating. The question to ask God is, “What is it you are trying to teach me? What do you want to change in me through these circumstances?” It is not God's plan to keep you in a toxic environment indefinitely. God has you there because there is a high calling on your life.  It is your training ground, just as it was the training ground of the patriarchs who have gone before you.

So I'm going to share with you five main things God is doing in your life for good when you are in a toxic relationship.

1. He is strengthening your identity.

God is strengthening your identity in Him. Relationships can be toxic when there is blame, shame, and manipulation involved. All these things can cause you to feel off-balance, especially in a toxic work environment or a ministry where you don't know where you stand from one day to the next. In that space, it is vital to know your identity in Christ, to know God's love for you, and to come to a place where his approval and his affirmation are more important to you than what other people think. In toxic environments, people can be nice and friendly to your face but talk about you behind closed doors. God may allow you to go through that kind of rejection so that you won't need people's affirmation so much.  He is building you up to become a stable standing tree so that when the storms of life hit, your roots are so deep you will not get knocked over.

2. God is enlarging your faith.

He is building up that faith muscle. When you're in a toxic relationship, everything seems to contradict all the promises God ever spoke to you. Can you relate to that? So what are you going to believe, the circumstances around you or God's word?

There's a story about Jacob in the Bible who had just received an incredible blessing from his father. He had a life-changing encounter with God, where he encountered angels going up and down a ladder between heaven and earth. And the next thing you know, he's serving under a toxic and manipulative man, his very own uncle, for 20 years. Can you imagine how he must have felt? He must have felt like something was wrong, or he did something wrong. He may have felt like he would never get out of that situation because year after year after year kept passing, and nothing seemed to change. That was a real test of his faith. He had to keep the vision before him to get through those twenty years.

Now, you might feel like you're in a similar situation where week after week and month after month, and maybe year after year, things don't seem to change. But do you trust God with the promises over your life? Do you trust God to bring you into your purpose, even if the person you are in a relationship with, who may be above you, seems to have a lot of power--maybe the ability to fire or demote you? Perhaps that person is responsible for opening doors for you. God may use leaders to open doors for you to help you enter your calling, but those same leaders do not have the strength to control your destiny. So don't attribute more power to the people in your life than God has. It's so important to look to God as your source. He is the ultimate orchestrator of your destiny. If you are faithful to God, and he is pleased with you, no person can thwart God's plan for your life. There is no CEO, no spiritual leader that has that kind of power over your destiny. Only God has it. Trust God to move mountains and do miracles for you. When you are ready, he will do it. Hold on to those promises. Perseverance is the fruit of your faith.

3. God wants to make himself your one and only father and mother.

You might have had dysfunctional parents. Now you are working for a dysfunctional boss or leader who should model what God is like but doesn't. Such people have their own wounds to deal with. They could be your pastors, teachers, or bosses. At the end of the day, they are fallible human beings with flaws like the rest of us. Sometimes we elevate our leaders too high while God wants to be the one sitting on the pedestal of our lives, with no close second or third person behind. Sometimes we try to look for the leaders in our lives to be spiritual mothers and fathers, maybe the ones we never had. But the Bible says you only have one father in heaven, and that is God Himself, the only One Who can fill that role. Don't call anyone your father except for God. God is a Father who will never fail you. God may put you with toxic leaders so that you will truly encounter God as a father and a mother who deeply cares for you. When you experience that kind of love from God, there is absolutely nothing that can shake you.

4. God is healing deep wounds.

It might seem counterintuitive that God would bring you into a painful experience to heal you from a painful experience, but that is often how it works. The more toxic the circumstance you're in, the greater and more profound the healing God wants to do inside you.

It's usually toxic relationships that will cause the deeper wounds from within to rise to the surface of our hearts. They are meant to reveal to us the areas where we still need healing and motivate us to pursue it. These could be profound wounds from childhood during the first five years of your life. Now I want you to know God is not trying to inflict more pain on you by putting you in that situation, but only to reveal your wounds to you so you would look to Him for healing. Remember, God’s desire is to set you free. When you go through healing from being in a toxic relationship, it will often mean dealing with wounds from your parental figures in childhood. So take the opportunity to get healed up and cleaned up because, eventually, the season will end. You will eventually end up with the right people, and you will be much more healed and a better person for it if you can see this trial as God's way to heal you profoundly.

5. God is training you.

Sometimes the most brilliant and gifted people in the world are the most toxic. They may have gotten by in life by the strength of their gifts, talents, or intelligence but never dealt with their gaping character flaws. In fact, their gifts and talents were the things they hid behind in order to avoid facing the deficiencies of their character. You may be in a work environment like that. Sometimes God will put you around very gifted and talented people to increase your capacity and develop your skills and talents. Jim Rohn said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." So even if you're around some toxic people, their gifts, talents, intelligence, and work ethic might still rub off on you. Those are the gems you are gleaning while making sure you don't take in their toxic traits. As mentioned earlier, Joseph was working under Potiphar and his household, and then he served as a slave in prison. He developed all kinds of practical skills during that season, such as running a large household and a prison. This training enabled him to fulfill his destiny, which was to lead the country of Egypt as Pharaoh's right-hand man.

You may be connected to some toxic people who are incredibly gifted and smart because God wants you to learn skills that you would have never learned otherwise. It is those skills that you need to fulfill your destiny. So, if you are in a toxic relationship or environment that God has not released you from just yet, make the most of what He is doing in your life.  If you look to God during this challenging season and embrace the gems that come with it, it will prepare you for what you are ultimately called to do.

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