How Narcissists Weaponize their Healing

 Emma sat across from her ex-husband, Ryan, in a dimly lit café. They had been separated for months after years of emotional and psychological abuse. But now, Ryan was different. He had been going to therapy, reading self-help books, and even attending workshops on emotional intelligence.

"I’ve really been working on myself," Ryan said, stirring his coffee. "I’ve made so much progress. I understand now how toxic our relationship was. I think it would help us both a lot if you took some time to work on your own healing too. It would help you get over your bitterness, and maybe then you would be able to see how much I have changed."

Emma shifted uncomfortably. She had spent years enduring Ryan’s manipulations, outbursts, and gaslighting. Now, instead of accountability, he was using his "healing" as a weapon against her.

For a moment, she felt guilty. Was she the unreasonable one? Was she holding onto the past? Had he actually changed, and she was just being unforgiving?

But something still felt off.

Ryan spoke the language of healing, but his behavior hadn’t truly changed. The same dismissiveness was there. The same condescending tone. The same need to be in control. He had just found a more sophisticated way to do it.

This is how narcissists gaslight their victims through the illusion of healing. They make it look like they are putting in the work, but what they are really doing is shifting the narrative to maintain control.

The Truth About a Narcissist’s "Healing"

One of the most insidious ways a narcissist manipulates reality is by appearing to heal while avoiding true transformation. Instead of changing the core traits that make them harmful, they perform acts of self-improvement that serve as a smokescreen for their deeper dysfunction.

They don’t want healing—they want to be seen as someone who is healing.

This works in three key ways:

1. They Focus on Weeds and Flowers While Ignoring the Boulders

Imagine a garden filled with massive boulders. These boulders represent a narcissist’s deep-seated entitlement, manipulation, lack of empathy, and unwillingness to take responsibility.

Now, instead of moving these boulders, the narcissist pulls out some weeds (making small improvements like being less outwardly aggressive) and plants some flowers (going to therapy, using emotional language, reading books about relationships).

From the outside, it looks like they’re tending to their garden. But the massive, immovable boulders remain untouched. The core of who they are has not changed—only the appearance of growth has.

This confuses victims because the narcissist seems to be making an effort. They use their "progress" as proof that they are growing, even though the real issues remain unchanged.

Gaslighting Through Healing:

• "You’re not being fair—I’ve been working on myself."
• "You just want to hold the past against me. Can’t you see how much I’ve changed?"
• "The real issue is you not acknowledging my growth."

The truth is, they haven’t actually done the deep work of change. They’ve just found a more convincing way to disguise the same behaviors, making them harder to recognize and even harder to challenge.

So how do you know if someone has truly changed?

Real healing isn’t about pulling a few weeds or planting flowers—it’s about digging up the roots of the problem. It’s not just about doing things—it’s about addressing the real issues that caused harm in the first place.

So ask yourself:
Are they actually confronting their manipulation, control, and entitlement—or just talking about self-growth?
Is their "healing" something you can see consistently—or does it only show up when they need to prove something?
Are they taking full responsibility—or are they still shifting blame onto you?

Because real change isn’t about looking the part—it’s about doing the work, even when no one is watching.

2. They Use Healing to Elevate Themselves Over Others

A narcissist’s self-improvement is not just a smokescreen—it’s also an opportunity to gain superiority.

Once they start therapy, read a book, or gain insight into psychology, they suddenly become the expert on healing. Instead of taking accountability for their own past harm, they begin using their "wisdom" to lecture others on what healing should look like.

They will:

•  Invalidate others' pain by acting like they are now more "emotionally evolved.”
•  Dictate how others should heal, implying that their way is the only correct way.
•  Turn therapy, empathy, and growth into a source of narcissistic supply—making themselves the focus rather than actually healing.

Gaslighting Through Superiority:

• "You should be grateful I’m doing the work. Not everyone is willing to improve themselves."
• "I’ve learned so much about trauma—you should really let me help you with your healing."
• "You’re stuck in the past. You need to work on forgiveness."

Instead of true humility and accountability, their healing becomes another tool for control.

3.  They Weaponize Healing to Reverse Roles (DARVO)

(DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)

A narcissist doesn’t just fake healing—they weaponize it.

As they acquire psychological language, they become more sophisticated at DARVO. They twist every conversation to:

•  Deny their past actions ("That never happened.") You say that I am abusive, but men are just naturally aggressive, and women take their masculine aggression as abuse. 
•  Attack your credibility ("You’re always so negative.") I know I hurt you so badly, and now the pain you feel, and your unforgiveness is making it impossible for you to see me in any other light than that of an abuser. Inner healing changed so much for me. I am truly free, and because I am healed, I can recognize my old patterns in you.”
•  Reverse Victim and Offender ("I’m the one who’s actually trying to change! You’re the toxic one.") 

By reframing the narrative, they make themselves the victim and paint you as the abuser for not accepting their "growth."

Gaslighting Through DARVO:

•  "I’ve worked so hard on myself, but you’re the one who refuses to move forward."
•  "Maybe you’re the one who has unhealed trauma."
•  "I feel so attacked every time I try to explain how much I’ve changed."

Now, instead of being held accountable, they become the one in need of sympathy—and you become the villain for not acknowledging their “healing."

Your Freedom Starts with Clarity

If you’ve been waiting for a narcissist to change, ask yourself:

✔ Are they truly healing, or just making it harder for you to walk away?
✔ Is their "growth" genuine, or is it just another manipulation tactic?
✔ Are they addressing the core issues, or just performing self-improvement?

Because real healing leads to humility, accountability, and change—not just more sophisticated ways to gaslight.

You don’t have to keep doubting yourself. If their healing journey feels like another mind game, trust your instincts. You are not wrong for seeing the truth.

Because in the end, it’s not about whether they change—it’s about whether you stay trapped in the illusion that they ever will.

Related Resources

• Why Narcissists Go from Bad to Worse:  A Biblical Reality Check [Read] [Watch]
• Can God Heal a Narcissist? [Read] [Watch]
• Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]
• Hoovering or Genuine Change? 7 Ways to Test it Out After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• Letter to the Pastor's (or Minister's) Wife [Read] [Watch]
• Why God Allows Toxic Relationships:  5 Ways He Uses Them for Good [Read] [Watch]
• Can you Reconcile with a Narcissist?  What does the Bible Say about it? [Watch]
• Why You Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries: 6 Lies the Narcissist Uses to Blame You for Your Needs [Read] [Watch]
• 5 Types of Boundaries You Need to Set with the Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• Should you Forgive an Abuser 70 X 7 Times?  How an Abuser Exploits & Weaponizes What the Bible Teaches about Forgiveness [Watch]
• Tempted to Get Revenge on the Narcissist? How God Deals with Someone Who Caused You So Much Pain [Watch]
• Three Keys to Navigate Transition [Watch]

Downloadable Resources 

• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist