How to Vet a Biblical Counselor for Narcissistic Abuse

If you've endured narcissistic abuse, finding a counselor who truly understands your pain is vital—and you deserve nothing less. Not all counselors, even biblical ones, are equipped to handle the manipulation, control, and spiritual distortion often woven into these experiences. The right counselor can be the difference between genuine healing and further harm, making careful vetting an essential step in your recovery journey.

This guide offers key questions and insights to help you find a safe, wise, and godly counselor who can truly support your healing from narcissistic abuse.

1. Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

Ask:

- How do you define narcissistic abuse?
- What approach do you take with clients who've faced manipulation, gaslighting, or coercive control?

Why It Matters:

A skilled counselor sees narcissistic abuse as more than conflict—it's a pattern of exploitation. Narcissistic abuse involves systematic manipulation, control, and devaluation that attacks a person's sense of reality and worth. Scripture affirms that God abhors those who "oppress the weak" (Psalm 12:5) and "speak with lying lips" (Proverbs 12:22), recognizing these as serious violations rather than mere relationship difficulties.

A counselor without this understanding may inadvertently treat abuse as a communication problem or mutual conflict, placing equal responsibility on both parties. This misdiagnosis can lead to harmful interventions that further traumatize victims and empower abusers. Jesus himself distinguished between sin and oppression, often confronting those who misused power while tenderly restoring the wounded (Luke 4:18-19).

The right counselor will recognize the unique spiritual wounds caused by narcissistic abuse—particularly when Scripture has been weaponized to maintain control. They understand that healing requires addressing distorted beliefs about God, self, and others that develop under prolonged psychological manipulation. This recognition is not merely academic but essential for creating a therapeutic environment where genuine healing and restoration of God-given identity can occur.

2. Stance on Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Ask:

- How do you guide clients on forgiveness and reconciliation when abuse continues?
- Do you view reconciliation as the goal in every case, despite abuse?

Why It Matters:

Your healing and safety should come first, not premature forgiveness or unsafe reconciliation. While Scripture calls believers to forgive (Ephesians 4:32), it makes an important distinction between forgiveness (an internal heart process) and reconciliation (the restoration of relationship), which requires genuine repentance and changed behavior from the offender.

Many abuse survivors have been pressured to "forgive and forget" or return to dangerous situations based on misapplications of biblical passages. A qualified counselor understands that God prioritizes the protection of the vulnerable (Psalm 82:3-4) and that reconciliation without true repentance—evidenced by consistent behavioral change over time—can enable further harm. Jesus himself taught about establishing boundaries with those who remain unrepentant (Matthew 18:15-17).

The right counselor will help you navigate the complex spiritual journey of extending forgiveness as a process that frees you from bitterness while also honoring your God-given instinct for self-protection. They recognize that forgiveness doesn't mean denying reality, suppressing emotions, or placing yourself in harm's way. Instead, they'll support you in finding healing that honors both God's call to forgiveness and His desire for your well-being and safety (John 10:10).

3. Perspective on Boundaries

Ask:

What's your view on setting boundaries in abusive situations?
- Do you support no contact or minimal contact when it's necessary?

Why It Matters:

Boundaries honor your God-given dignity and safety. Contrary to common misconceptions, boundaries are deeply biblical and reflect God's own character. Throughout Scripture, God Himself establishes boundaries—from the Garden of Eden to the Ten Commandments—demonstrating that healthy limits are part of His divine design for human relationships.

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse have been taught that self-sacrifice means having no boundaries, that "love bears all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7) means enduring mistreatment, or that "turning the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39) requires remaining in harm's way. A qualified counselor understands that these interpretations distort Scripture's intent. They recognize that Jesus himself set boundaries (Luke 4:28-30, John 2:13-16) and taught respect for others' boundaries (Matthew 7:6). The right counselor will help you establish boundaries as an act of stewardship over the life God has given you. They understand that boundaries aren't punitive but protective, allowing you to fulfill God's purposes without being diminished by ongoing abuse. When no-contact or limited contact becomes necessary for your well-being, a skilled counselor supports this decision as consistent with biblical wisdom that recognizes the need to "depart from evil" (Psalm 34:14) and "have nothing to do with" those who persist in destructive behaviors (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

4. Training and Experience

Ask:

- What training do you have in narcissistic abuse, trauma, or the misuse of spiritual authority (e.g., twisting Scripture to control)?
- Have you counseled individuals recovering from abusive relationships?

Why It Matters:

Experience in abuse dynamics ensures they can meet your needs. Narcissistic abuse creates complex trauma that requires specialized understanding beyond general counseling skills. While all biblical counselors may have theological training, not all have the specific knowledge needed to recognize and address the unique psychological and spiritual damage caused by narcissistic manipulation.

A counselor without specialized training may inadvertently use approaches that are counterproductive for abuse survivors. For instance, standard conflict resolution techniques can further harm victims when applied to abusive dynamics. Similarly, traditional approaches to anxiety or depression may miss the underlying trauma responses common in abuse survivors. Scripture itself acknowledges the need for wisdom and discernment in different situations (Proverbs 18:13, 1 Kings 3:9), suggesting that specialized knowledge matters.

The right counselor will have invested in trauma-informed training that equips them to understand the neurobiological impacts of abuse, recognize spiritual trauma, and implement effective recovery strategies. Their experience working with other survivors means they can identify patterns of abuse that might be invisible to others, validate experiences that seem unbelievable, and guide you through the unique challenges of healing from narcissistic abuse. This expertise reflects the biblical principle that "desire without knowledge is not good" (Proverbs 19:2), reminding us that good intentions without proper understanding can lead us astray, especially when dealing with something as complex as psychological and spiritual abuse.

5. View of Authority and Submission

Ask:

- How do you advise clients on submission in abusive contexts—marriage, family, or church?

Why It Matters:

A safe counselor won't misuse Scripture to excuse mistreatment. Few areas of Scripture have been more harmfully distorted in abusive relationships than passages on authority and submission. Verses like Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-6, or Romans 13:1-7 have frequently been weaponized to demand compliance with abuse, creating profound spiritual confusion and trauma.

A qualified counselor understands that biblical submission was never intended to facilitate abuse or oppression. They recognize that these passages must be interpreted within their full context—where those in authority are first called to sacrificial love, servant leadership, and Christ-like humility (Ephesians 5:25-33, 1 Peter 5:2-3). God's design for authority always involves protection and nurturing, never exploitation or harm. Throughout Scripture, God consistently condemns those who misuse power to oppress others (Ezekiel 34:1-10, Micah 3:1-4).

The right counselor will help you distinguish between godly submission and ungodly subjugation. They understand that God values your well-being and that no biblical principle should be applied in ways that enable ongoing abuse. Rather than pressuring you to remain under harmful authority, they will help you discern God-honoring responses that prioritize safety while respecting the true intent of Scripture. This balanced approach recognizes that God is "a refuge for the oppressed" (Psalm 9:9) and that His heart is for justice, protection, and the flourishing of all His children.

6. Compassion Over Judgment

Reflect on:

- Do they listen, believe, and validate your experiences?
- Are they compassionate rather than quick to judge?

Why It Matters:

Healing requires empathy, not correction or dismissal. Survivors of narcissistic abuse have often endured years of having their perceptions questioned, their feelings invalidated, and their experiences minimized. This pattern of dismissal doesn't just damage emotional health—it creates profound spiritual wounds, especially when judgment comes from those claiming to represent God's perspective.

Jesus consistently modeled compassion over judgment when encountering the wounded and oppressed. He listened to the Samaritan woman's story without condemnation (John 4:1-26), defended the woman caught in adultery from her accusers (John 8:1-11), and harshly criticized religious leaders who "tie up heavy burdens on people's shoulders" (Matthew 23:4). Scripture repeatedly shows that God's heart toward the suffering is one of tender compassion—He is "close to the brokenhearted" (Psalm 34:18) and "heals the wounds of every shattered heart" (Psalm 147:3).

The right counselor will create a safe space where your experiences are believed and your pain is validated. They understand that judgment short-circuits healing by replicating the very dynamics that caused harm in the first place. Instead of rushing to correct your perceptions or behaviors, they'll demonstrate Christ-like empathy that allows you to process trauma without shame. This compassionate approach isn't merely a therapeutic technique but a reflection of God's own heart toward those who have been wounded by others' sin.

Red Flags to Watch For

• Dismissing your story (e.g., "It's not that bad"). When a counselor minimizes your experiences, they reveal a fundamental misunderstanding of narcissistic abuse and its impacts. This dismissal often replicates the gaslighting you've already endured and indicates the counselor may not provide the validation essential for healing.

• Overemphasizing submission without prioritizing safety. If a counselor focuses primarily on your need to submit rather than addressing the abuse, they're likely operating from an imbalanced theological framework that could endanger your well-being. God's Word never requires enduring abuse in the name of submission.

• Showing discomfort or ignorance about abuse dynamics. A counselor who seems uncomfortable discussing manipulation tactics, shows skepticism about covert abuse, or lacks knowledge about trauma responses may not have the specialized training needed to guide your healing journey effectively.

• Rushing forgiveness or reconciliation. If a counselor pressures you toward premature forgiveness or unsafe reconciliation before addressing safety concerns and establishing boundaries, they may prioritize relationship preservation over your well-being and healing.

Final Thoughts

You have every right to vet a counselor carefully. Healing from narcissistic abuse takes wisdom, safety, and godly support. Take your time, ask questions, and trust God to lead you to the right person. If a counselor doesn't feel right, keep searching—He desires your healing, not your harm (Psalm 147:3). Remember that finding the right counselor is an important step in reclaiming the dignity and worth that narcissistic abuse attempted to strip away.

Related Resources

• Why Narcissists Go from Bad to Worse:  A Biblical Reality Check [Read] [Watch]
• Urgent Letter to the Pastor's (or Minister's) Wife [Read] [Watch]
• What the Bible REALLY Says about Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation with a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• What the Bible REALLY SAYS About Going No-Contact with Someone [Read] [Watch]
• How to Tell if a Narcissist's "TRANSFORMATION" is Real [Read] [Watch]
• Why God Allows Toxic Relationships: 5 Ways He Uses Them for Good [Read] [Watch]
• 5 KEY Types of Boundaries You Need to Set with the Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
• 5 LIES NARCISSISTS USE TO BLAME YOU [Watch]
• False Guilt: When the Enemy Uses Shame to Control You [Read] [Watch]
• How Narcissists Weaponize their Healing [Read] [Watch]
• Three Keys to Navigate Transition [Watch]

Downloadable Resources 

• 7-Day Email Series:  Journey to Healing and Freedom
• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist