The Addiction of Religious Narcissists: How They Pursue Narcissistic Supply Through Religious Camouflage

A narcissist is a lot like a drug addict. Just as a drug addict needs their drug to get their fix, a narcissist needs narcissistic supply. What is narcissistic supply? Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, admiration, and validation that a narcissist craves to support their fragile self-esteem and ego. If the narcissist cannot easily get narcissistic supply in the form of admiration, they will do whatever they can to feel important and powerful. The tactics that narcissists use to get their high vary by the type of narcissism and the context they are in. In this blog post, we'll delve into the world of the covert religious narcissist who professes to be a Christian and how they create false doctrines to get their narcissistic supply.

Spotting a Narcissist

Let's begin by clarifying that having faulty doctrine doesn't necessarily mean someone is a narcissist. A narcissist demonstrates at least five of these nine traits:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance;
• A preoccupation with beauty, success, power, or ideal love;
• A belief in their own uniqueness and that because of their specialness, they deserve to associate with high-status people;
• An excessive need for admiration;
• A massive sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of others, and demands for compliance;
• Consistent exploitation of others;
• Envy of others, and the belief that others are envious of them;
• A lack of empathy;
• Arrogance, pride, and conceit.

If you are dealing with a religious narcissist, you are facing someone who is arrogant, who doesn't care about people but deep down actually feels contempt, envy, and anger towards the people God has called them to love and serve. They can easily see people as their enemies and believe it is their job to punish them on God’s behalf. They treat God's people as their personal servants or possessions and not as God's children. In their narcissistic addiction to honor and admiration, they fail to see that those around them have their own unique God-given destinies and try to make fans and yes-men out of the people God has placed around them.  

Much like drug addicts, narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply. This addiction drives their every action, making them slaves to their need for validation. A religious narcissist isn't a servant of God but a servant of their addiction. Unless they come clean before God with their addiction, repent of building their identity around falsities, and purify their hearts, they are likely using faith to fuel their narcissism. Instead of feeding God’s sheep, they feed off them.

These attitudes are contrary to the Spirit that Jesus demonstrated to us. They reflect the objectives of the devil and are anti-Christ and anti-God. With time, the narcissist develops false doctrines to back their need for narcissistic supply. 

When narcissists use the scripture to deceive, it is rare that they actually promote obvious heresy or faulty teaching. Instead, they have much more subtle ways of twisting scripture. Remember that the Bible says that the sum of God’s word is truth (Psalm 119:160). Narcissists tend to pick and choose from the Bible, putting more disproportionate weight on certain parts than others. They craft deception by omitting the whole picture of God’s word.

To avoid being called out, a covert narcissist creates a complete disconnect between their words and their actions. They also insulate themselves from any person who can call them out or challenge them on their behavior. In fact, a narcissist may have completely sound teaching. They may use that teaching to hide the way they live their lives, disguising diabolical behavior in their relationships and work or ministry.

How Narcissists Get Narcissistic Supply from Religious Communities

There are two main ways that narcissists seek out narcissistic supply within a religious community: Through creating a deceptive outward appeal or by abusing scripture to demand approval.

In order to mix into a spiritual community, a covert narcissist hides under all kinds of spiritual language and actions. They will present themselves as a pious and godly person in order to get admiration and honor. If you notice someone who has an inordinate need to showcase their godliness, prayer, fasting, giving, ministry, service, or revelation from God, this is a red flag that what they are really after is approval from people. The other side of this coin is that the narcissist has little interest in cultivating friendships or inviting people close enough to speak truth into their lives. Instead, they are looking for fans and followers.

Jesus said, “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven" (Matthew 6:2). Basically, what Jesus is saying here is that anything done out of the motive of getting praise and admirations from others cancels any reward or blessings that God would have otherwise given them. Narcissistic supply then becomes the cheap substitute to replace the true riches that could be had by solely looking to please God. This is reflective of the sin of Esau in the Old Testament, who traded his spiritual inheritance for a bowl of soup. 

Sometimes, however, the narcissist does not go to such great lengths to look worthy of admiration: Religious covert narcissists frequently craft their teaching to subtly coerce those around them into giving honor and admiration regardless of whether or not it is deserved. These teachings will center around honor, demanding submission and compliance from others. Besides emphasizing the right of the narcissist to honor, the narcissist’s theology has little room for their own Biblical responsibilities and the call to have a servant’s heart. A male narcissist may be fixated on their role as head of a family, using marriage as a means to dominate a spouse. To them, leadership and headship mean the right to control and dominate. They fail to take into account scripture that says husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and died for her. They refuse to participate in the mutual submission described in Ephesians 5:21. A female narcissist, on the other hand, may seek narcissistic supply by making herself look spiritually superior. She may be a self-proclaimed prophetess, but in reality, she is more like Jezebel, who uses her position to demand respect and manipulate others.

If this description fits someone you know, you may be dealing with a religious narcissist who is after narcissistic supply rather than a pursuit of Christ-likeness.

How Narcissists Spiritualize Abuse

If presenting a religious facade or preaching submission doesn’t get the narcissist enough supply, they will turn to more aggressive means. They become abusive. Typically, this happens with the people closest to them. These people have seen behind the covert narcissist’s mask, the pleasant face they show to the outside world. Having seen the duality, those closest to the narcissist are already turned off. They have no desire to provide admiration to the narcissist. So, the narcissist weaponizes scripture in order to justify narcissistic abuse. 

Here are four ways narcissists use scripture to justify and religion to spiritualize their abuse. 

1. Stories of Punishment

They use examples of God's leadership and discipline, mostly from the Old Testament, to justify their use of control, punishment, or demands. They are likely to tell the stories of people who rebelled against God and were punished, Korah, and the men who rebelled with him. Or, of Absalom, who rebelled against his father and met his downfall. Another common story is the story of Noah’s son, who saw Noah naked and was cursed. Each of these stories involves heavy curses or consequences that came upon people who were lawless or disobedient. Or, they may prefer the story of Moses, receiving revelation from God, whose words the Israelites were supposed to listen to.

The narcissist uses these stories to demand submission and to threaten horrible consequences for what they perceive to be rebellion. What the narcissist neglects to mention is that the first attribute God used to describe himself when he revealed himself to Moses were 'compassionate', 'abounding in love', and 'slow to anger' (Exodus 34:6). The narcissist is by no means telling the whole story.

If they are going to refer to Moses on the mountaintop, then they also have to account for the fact that God gave his authrity to a man who was incredibly humble, who never took any challenges, criticisms, or complaints personally but brought them before God. The Bible says about Moses, “Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth (Numbers 12:3). If a religious narcissist wants to use Old Testament examples to refer to themselves as someone who carries the authority of God, they should also talk about the incredible humility that is required of people who have such authority. 

2. A Focus on Performance Over Love 

Religious narcissists focus on rules, performance, and obedience over love. This ignores that Jesus says we will be known for our love. A religious narcissist omits the main thing, which is love. They don't know what to do with terms like love and compassion because it is not part of their vocabulary or modus operandi. To deal with this inconsistency, they create a false version of religion that omits these main attributes of God. Their demand for perfection in performance is a symptom of how they idolize humans. They look to other people for approval and expect them to be, like only God is, perfect. Because narcissists idolize others rather than humbling themselves before God, they have no grace for the imperfections of those around them.

3. Replacing God Instead of Representing Him

While narcissists commit idolatry by deriving their identity from the approval of other humans, they also demand idolatry from those around them. Rather than acknowledging their call to be a humble representation of God, they attempt to replace God in your life. They force you to idolize them and put your relationship with them above your relationship with God. This becomes an excuse to oppress and silence you. We can see this pattern with Pharaoh and Nebuchadnezzar, who both considered themselves deities and demanded worship from God’s people.

In day-to-day life, this can take on various forms. For instance, a narcissist might believe they have a special ability to hear God's voice and claim to know the purposes or callings of the people around them. Yet, when others express what they feel God is guiding them to do, the narcissist often doubts or challenges their insights. If you've been exposed to this type of influence for a significant period or if you grew up under narcissistic leadership in a religious community, it's not uncommon to start questioning your own capacity to hear from God or to make significant life choices without the narcissist's approval, leaving you uncertain about whether you are following God's will.

4. Double Standards

Double standards are a hallmark of narcissism. For the religious narcissist, however, these double standards are defended with out-of-context scripture. They expect that you are required by God to forgive them 70 times 7 times, but they will give no thought to their need to repent, confess their sins, humble themselves, and turn from their wicked ways in order to be healed. 

But when you slight them? They are up in arms. The price of crossing a narcissist is hell on earth. It never occurs to them that they are the source of a problem in a relationship. If you have a problem with them, it just reveals a problem in you. Maybe you haven’t died to self. Or you are too critical. Or you are too easily offended. When the complaint is against them, they pay no attention to the scripture that says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24).

Experiencing this double standard can be deeply disorienting and traumatic. Be comforted that God is not fooled by these wolves in sheep’s clothing. He actually addresses such people in the Old Testament. There is a passage of scripture that addresses this kind of spiritual abuse in Ezekiel 34. In this passage, God calls these people false shepherds. I’ve included this passage in the Voice translation to give you a chance to hear it with a fresh sound.

A Prophecy Against False Shepherds

The word of the Eternal came to me with a message for Israel’s leaders.

Eternal One: Son of man, preach against Israel’s shepherds! Speak directly to the shepherds and tell them this is what the Eternal Lord has to say: “Woe to the shepherds of Israel whose only concern is to protect and nourish themselves! Isn’t a shepherd’s job to look after the sheep? Yet you exploit them in every way. You devour their fat, make soft clothes and blankets out of their wool, and slaughter the best sheep for your table. Meanwhile you don’t take care of the sheep at all. You have not sought to nurse the weak. You have not gone out to tend to the sick. You have not bandaged the injured. You don’t bring back the strays or look for the lost. You have led them with neglect, ruled them with harshness, shepherded them with cruelty! They had no real shepherd, so they have scattered; the entire flock was prey for wild beasts. My sheep drifted aimlessly through all the mountains and up and down every hill. My flock was scattered all over the world, scattered like the stars in the night sky, and not a single shepherd went looking for them.”

God condemns the shepherd-rulers of Israel for neglecting their duties and exploiting their human flock. Heaven will not remain silent at this injustice. A change is coming.

Now pay attention, shepherds, to My word: As surely as I, the Eternal Lord, live, because My sheep are without a shepherd because they have become prey for all the wild beasts to feed upon because my shepherds have not gone in search of My sheep but have only looked out for themselves and not watched after and cared for My flock; I encourage you, shepherds, to listen to the word of the Eternal.

Those self-centered shepherds are My enemies! As far as I am concerned, they are no longer shepherds. They will not help themselves to My sheep any longer. I will recover My flock from those corrupt shepherds. I will snatch My sheep from their mouths! My sheep will no longer provide milk, clothing, or meat to them. I will personally go out searching for My sheep. I will find them wherever they are, and I will look after them. In the same way, one shepherd seeks after, cares for, and watches over his scattered flock, so will I be the guardian of My sheep. I will be their Rescuer! No matter where they have scattered, I will go to find them. I will bring them back from the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. I will call them out from the nations, gather them from the countries, and bring them into their own land. I will feed them in the high mountain pastures and meadows of Israel. I will feed them on good pastures; they will graze on the mountain heights of Israel. They will lie down to rest on this good ground, and they will feed on succulent grasses in bountiful pastures on the slopes of Israel’s sanctuary mountains. I Myself will watch over My sheep and feed My flock. Whenever they are tired, I will lead them to rest on the cool mountain grass. When they are lost, I will seek them and bring back every last stray. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak. However, I will destroy the fat and powerful. I will feed them a healthy portion of judgment.

When narcissists profess to be Christian but twist scripture to build doctrines that feed their narcissism and divorce their actions from their words by holding double standards, they are creating a new religion. This is their cult, not Christianity. It is an insidious scheme to intercept your relationship with Jesus Christ and force you to worship them instead. They tolerate your relationship with God only as long as it is subordinate to your relationship with them. 

If you feel that you may be influenced by narcissistic leadership, take steps to protect yourself from spiritual manipulation.

If you are part of a church or spiritual community, be like the Bereans and search out the Scriptures by the Holy Spirit. 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?” Check and see whether you are following the doctrine that Jesus preached or if you are being fed demonic doctrines that seek to have you serve a person rather than God.

Avoid being isolated from the rest of the body of Christ. Remain in touch with members of other Christian communities and be suspicious of calls to reject all teaching outside of the narcissist’s teachings. If the narcissist is a family member, they may make it difficult for you to engage in your church community. In these cases, seek support from those who might be aware of your situation and make a conscious effort to maintain your connection with your community. 

Learn the signs of a healthy church and the red flags that signal a church is being led astray by narcissistic leadership.

The narcissist’s downfall comes from their arrogance and inability to humble themselves before God. Take time to be humble before God in prayer, praise, and worship. Go to God for your approval, your identity, and your needs before you go to anyone else.

I hope this blog gave you some insights to help you discern a true shepherd from a false one and to spot covert narcissists who are wearing the clothes of a harmless sheep.

In case we haven’t met before, welcome to my blog! I’m Shaneen Meghji. I am a coach who helps people to heal and recover their identities from narcissistic relationships. I believe toxicity is not your destiny, and my blog and YouTube channel are dedicated to helping you navigate toxic relationships in your life from a biblical, practical, and spiritual perspective.

Related Resources:

Watch the video version of this blog here.

Are you worried that narcissistic leadership might be leading your church down the wrong path? Learn the distinguishing signs between a healthy church and a cult:

• 10 Signs Your Church Is Turning Into a Cult [Read] [Watch]
  
• 7 Steps to Leave a Toxic Church Unscathed [Watch]
• How God Sees the Narcissist Pastor [Watch] 
• The Hypocrisy of Religious Narcissists [Watch]

Are you experiencing the double standards that a covert narcissist uses to require your admiration? Yes? Most likely, you are experiencing a disorienting amount of gaslighting. These resources might be helpful for you:

• How God Deals with a Gaslighter [Read] [Watch]
• Healing from Gaslighting in a Narcissistic Relationship [Read] [Watch]

Learn more about covert narcissists:

• Five Signs of a Covert Narcissist [Read] [Watch]

If you thinking of leaving or in the process of leaving a toxic relationship or community, check out my free 25-minute training on how to successfully navigate difficult transitions.

Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting