Can Narcissists Genuinely Repent? What the Bible Says about a Narcissist’s Transformation

How can you tell if a narcissist’s repentance is real? How do you know whether they have truly changed? The Bible says that you shall know a tree by its fruit, and so this blog outlines the specific practical fruit that you can assess to see if the narcissist in your life is on the path to transformative change or whether they are faking it, out to lunch and self-deceived. I’m going to share some practical, nuanced insights from the Bible that most likely will be new to you. Even though the passage I’ll be referencing is one you are probably familiar with, this is most likely the first time you have applied it to narcissism.

When a narcissist gets caught or called out on their sin or abuse, their typical response is to gaslight, project, deflect, scapegoat, manipulate, minimize, etc.. To avoid having to take responsibility, they shift the blame on the person who is calling them out. In some cases, however, when a lot is at stake for the narcissist, they may apologize profusely with many tears and sorrow. They may promise to change or take all kinds of steps to demonstrate to you that they are a changed man or woman. They shower you with all kinds of apologies and give you gifts, trying to hover you back into a relationship. They promise you the future you have always wanted to have with them…And you’re tempted to think that this is all an answer to prayer.

But this most likely isn’t the first time they’ve made grand promises. How can you tell if this time is any different from the previous times when promises were left unkept and apologies forgotten? 

How can you tell if a narcissist's repentance is genuine?

Before we continue, I want to be clear this article is specifically dealing with the repentance of narcissists and shouldn’t be applied outside of that context. Narcissists are people who, over a prolonged period of time, have been chronically arrogant, entitled, envious, and in need of constant outside validation to regulate their negative emotions. They are unable to take responsibility but blameshift, project, minimize, criticize, shame, and gaslight. They are critical, unempathetic, and often hypocritical. These traits span across all of a narcissist’s relationships (although they may not be obviously apparent to those who fall prey to them). This blog is specifically written to deal with the reality that narcissists are prone NOT to change. While they are able to masterfully mirror others and reinvent themselves at every turn, their narcissism is a rigid fixture in their personality. Psychology says there is no cure for narcissism, and the best hope is that the narcissist can learn how to manage their narcissism which can be painstakingly difficult. Can they be transformed? Unheard of. But the Bible says that what is impossible with man is possible with God. So what if even a tiny fraction of the population of narcissists do repent and experience transformation by God's power? How would that repentance and transformation play out in the life of a narcissist? That is what this blog addresses. 

Paul's Narcissism

The Bible has many examples of how narcissism plays out. One of these stories tells of an individual who I would say was narcissistic, who had a radical encounter with God and underwent a profound transformation. This was Saul, who became Paul. Perhaps you know the story. If not, I would encourage you to take a minute and read Acts 9.

Was Saul a narcissist before he became Paul?

We cannot diagnose Saul for sure, but he certainly demonstrated several of the characteristics.

For example, Saul actively persecuted and arrested Christians without showing empathy, understanding of their beliefs, or caring to understand. His cruel, harsh behavior of having believers, like Stephen, stoned or dragging them off to prison truly reveals massive anger and contempt towards the Christians, possibly envy. The Bible says, “But Saul was going everywhere to destroy the church. He went from house to house, dragging out both men and women to throw them into prison” (Acts 8:3). This over-the-top punishment and cruelty was perhaps Saul’s way of making himself grandiose, to get narcissistic supply by feeling big and powerful against weak Christians. Grandiose thinking is one of the staple traits of narcissists.

There are more symptoms, though. Saul went to the high priest to obtain letters to persecute Christians and drag them into prison (Acts 9:1-2). Paul may have thrived on external validation from religious authorities and peers in his persecution of Christians. He may have felt entitled to take on the role, having an elevated superior view of himself. We see that Saul had a lot of arrogance before his conversion.

He also said when it comes to living in the flesh, there was no one who was better than him. He said, “If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.” (Philippians 3:4-6). So, based on this passage, Paul likely considered himself spiritually superior, probably looked down on others, and would only associate with people he deemed as superior. These are narcissistic traits.

Based on these examples, Saul was a narcissist before he became Paul, and only God knows how far along he was on the continuum. I would say his narcissism was deep because he killed Christians. He watched the stoning of Stephen and approved of it because people were placing their cloaks at his feet, which, from historical context, we understand as an act of respect for Saul’s authority and a means to get his approval. 

One day, Saul had a powerful encounter with God on the road to Damascus. Suddenly, a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" Saul answered, ”Who are you, Lord?" The voice replied, ”I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting."

This encounter was so powerful that it left Saul blind for several days. Just as Saul’s spiritual eyes were opening, he lost his vision. But the blindness was a picture of how he had been living up until that point.

Here is the beginning of Saul’s transformation. He has a powerful encounter with God. Let’s clarify something: An encounter with God does not mean that a narcissist is changed or transformed. Nor does it mean that God is now endorsing them. Just because a person has an encounter with God does not mean that they are now a saint. A narcissist might have an encounter with God and tell you that this is a sign that they are right with Him and that they are changed. But that is a trap. An encounter with God might be one of the many steps toward change that a narcissist needs to be transformed. An encounter with God is simply an invitation from God to live a godly life. I personally believe that people who have face-to-face encounters with God have them not because they are spiritually superior but because God knows that it is difficult for them to live up to the call He has given them. So, the encounter gives them something to hold on to. 

Paul's Transformation

After that encounter, Paul underwent a journey of continued transformation. The encounter inspired the change, but it was Paul’s dedication to working out his salvation that brought lasting transformation. Remember, Jesus said you will know a tree by its fruit. In this following section, we’ll examine the kind of fruit that Paul produced that proved he was a changed man. Being able to recognize these fruits will help you to tell if the narcissist’s apologies really are backed up with true change.

Humility in the Face of Skepticism

At first, when Saul, now called Paul, announced his change of heart, the disciples and church leaders didn’t trust him. And no wonder. The Bible says about Paul, “When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple” (Acts 9:26). The disciples, these God-fearing, God-discerning leaders did not believe Paul was changed. They did not trust him right away. It’s worth pointing out that the Bible does not condemn the leaders for not trusting that Paul was a disciple. Nowhere does scripture say that the church leaders should have taken Paul at his word.

It’s likely you can relate to the disciples in this situation. Someone who has been consistently hurting, even threatening you, suddenly repents and says they are on your side. Your skepticism is earned and normal. There is nothing wrong with that. The narcissist’s reaction to your skepticism, however, is revealing. Let’s turn back to Paul.

Paul did not get bent out of shape. Typically, a narcissist would experience narcissistic injury at the disciples' reaction and seek out affirmation. But, the scripture doesn’t show Paul doing this. He didn’t look for affirmation, nor did he try to shame the apostles or discredit their ability to hear or discern from God when they didn’t believe he was a disciple. If Paul still held on to his narcissism, he would have surely experienced a narcissistic injury at the attitude of the apostles towards him. That situation would have played with a whole lot of blame shifting: “I just had a face-to-face encounter with Jesus. If you guys cannot see the calling that God has put on my life, then it is not me who is the problem; it’s you! God even thought I was worth speaking to face-to-face! It is all of you who are NOT real disciples of Jesus Christ; otherwise, you would not be so spiritually dull and blind to recognize God’s sent one right in front of you.” Narcissists cannot stand anyone not recognizing their specialness and greatness. If Paul hadn’t experienced genuine transformation, he certainly would have taken great offense at the apostles. But he did not. This is the first clue that something has fundamentally shifted in Paul.

Trusting the Testimony of Others

Paul accepted that it would have to be the testimony of others, not his own word that would give credibility to his change. So when the apostles did not believe that Saul was truly changed, it was Barnabas’ testimony that lent weight and credibility. Barnabas had favor and credibility in the church, and so people trusted his testimony. Paul was not offended that no one trusted his words and that he had no credibility with the church leadership. He accepted that another man had more credibility than him. He trusted God to work. If Paul was still a narcissist, this would have been a massive, humble pie for him to eat because, before this point, he was the big dog in the religious establishment. Only a little while ago, he was a respected teacher with his own disciples. He had the approval of the high priests; he studied under Gamaliel, and he had just had a face-to-face encounter with Jesus Christ. A narcissist would have a hard time submitting to someone that they deem as inferior to them or accepting a massive demotion in their rank or image in the eyes of people. A narcissist would do everything and anything they can to preserve their image before others, even if that means being self-deceived and not facing the truth about their sins.

Submission to Authority

Paul went into the wilderness and submitted to the apostles. There was a period of time when he withdrew to study, and after that, he went to the disciples. Paul came to the apostles to make sure he was on track. He came to submit the teaching that he had put together to the apostles. Paul set aside his pride and let go of all his scholarly credentials to seek the wisdom of fishermen. And even after submitting to the disciples, God further tested Paul, calling him to the Gentiles, whom the Hebrews tended to see as unclean. That is a slap in the face to the Hebrew of Hebrews. But Paul submitted to that, too. If Paul was still walking in narcissism, he would not have submitted to the disciples. He would have started his own ministry without their consultation. Or, he would have gone to them to enlighten them with his incredible insights, not to submit to them. Imagine Paul showing up and demanding the ears of the disciples: “I have these incredible revelations. I have been working on them for 14 years; you have to listen to me. These are secrets that have been hidden since the beginning of time. You need to submit to this message because it comes directly from God, and God entrusted me with it.” Paul never did that. He submitted to the leaders and waited patiently for them to recognize that God had called Paul into the ministry alongside them. The Bible says, “James, Cephas, and John, those esteemed as pillars, gave me and Barnabas the right hand of fellowship when they recognized the grace given to me. They agreed that we should go to the Gentiles, and they to the circumcised” (Galatians 2:9).

If your narcissist has truly repented, they will be patient with those who hesitate to trust them and need time to accept them. They will trust God in the process and not try to dictate how people should be reacting to or receiving them. Often, a narcissist will twist scripture to demand that people immediately believe their claims to have changed. But Paul never preached at the disciples, saying that they should forgive him 70x7 times or calling their hesitations bitterness and unforgiveness. He never tried to tell the disciples that if they didn’t accept him right away, then they had rebellion, sin, or bitterness in their hearts. That was not Paul’s posture at all.

 Humility

Paul was humble. He never once boasted about his heavenly experiences.  He said, “I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body, I do not know—God knows. And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body, I do not know, but God knows—was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses” (2 Corinthians 12:2-5).

If Paul had held onto his narcissism, he would have boasted about his face-to-face encounters, combined with his education, and used these things to bolster his credibility. He could easily have been condescending and harped on his superiority. He would have felt entitled to the other apostles’ platforms and offended or angry at anyone who did not recognize his specialness right away after his encounter with God and did not submit to him.

He not only saw his wrong but took up the cause of the Christians and became a Christian. Paul not only turned away from his sin, but became an advocate for the very group of people he was persecuting. Now, that is a profound transformation, to go from persecutor to advocate.

A narcissist who is changed will see their wrong and also turn against it by God’s grace. They will hate their narcissism. But oftentimes, narcissists may not hate their sin enough. How do you know? You know they do not hate their sin enough when they minimize what they’ve done. If they try to change history or twist reality, causing you to doubt your experiences, perception, and discernment, they are still trying to shirk responsibility and have not fully learned to hate their sin. They might play the victim or find external causes to cast blame rather than looking within and owning up to their sin. Contrast this with Paul’s full acceptance of the depth of his sin. He did not minimize what he had done but truthfully described himself as a persecutor, a violent man. At the end of his life, he called himself chief of sinners. The man was well acquainted with his humanity, frailty, and fallibility as a human. He spent more time announcing his crimes of the past than any good deeds of the present. And from that place, Paul became an advocate for the very people he persecuted.

Imagine that a narcissist would undergo so much change that they become an advocate against narcissistic abuse. Imagine a narcissist experiencing transformation so deep that they unite together with those who have been victimized rather than continuing to perpetrate against others because they see how much the traits and attitudes are detestable to God, and they want nothing to do with it. Instead of continuing with a false self, they seek to follow Christ and become like Christ. In famous words, Paul describes everything he sought after as a narcissist as worthless: “I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:8).

Paul’s life is an incredible story of how God’s grace can transform a person inside out if they are willing to submit to God’s process. We know that Paul’s transformation was not an instantaneous thing because of the way he counseled the churches. He would say things like, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12), or in 2 Corinthians 10:5: “taking every thought and making it obedient to Christ;” “follow me as I follow Christ” (2 Corinthians 11:1). In Romans, he talks about the struggle of doing things he knows he shouldn’t do and not doing the things he ought to do, but recognizing that he is able to overcome by God’s grace and power. All these scriptures reveal that Paul had to appropriate God’s grace in the day-to-day grind and decisions and do the hard work. There is no magic formula. In the same way, a narcissist has access to God’s grace but must appropriate it by doing the work.

God wants every sinner to repent and every human being to experience the metamorphosis that is available in Christ. But not every person chooses to. God gave Jezebel time to repent, and she did not. Many narcissistic kings who were exposed to God’s power did not shed their narcissism.

Many narcissists hold on to their narcissism because it is a powerful defense mechanism against past post-traumatic stress, and they somehow believe the demonic lie that their narcissism works more powerfully than fearing God and following his ways. This may be subconscious. 

The Fruits of Genuine Change in a Narcissist

Based on the life of Paul the Apostle, what would repentance look like practically in the life of your narcissist? Here are some fruits to look for: 

1. Choosing to Repent: Paul made a conscious decision to repent and follow a new path in Christ. Repentance is the first step towards a changed life.
2. Developing Self-Awareness: A practical fruit of repentance would be the narcissist developing self-awareness about the gravity of their actions, recognizing the harm they've caused, and accurately describing their wrongdoings without justifications or minimizations. No re-writing of reality or history.
3. Humility and Submission: Practical fruit in this context would involve the narcissist humbly acknowledging their past behavior and submitting themself to the guidance and support of others, just as Paul submitted to the apostles, recognizing that they have valuable insights to offer.
4. Empathy and Advocacy: The narcissist, as they undergo a genuine transformation, would practically shift their focus from self-centeredness to empathy for their victims. They may become advocates for those they once harmed, actively supporting their cause and working to make amends.
5. Absence of Boasting and Arrogance: A practical sign of genuine repentance would be the narcissist overcoming arrogance and pride. That would include resisting any urge to boast about themselves to puff themselves up and make themselves superior or act condescendingly to others. Instead, they would display humility, acknowledging their humanity and fallibility.
6. Trust in the Testimony of Others: As the narcissist demonstrates true transformation, practical fruit would include their willingness to accept and value the testimony of others who can speak to their character and actions. A changed narcissist will learn to let go of feeling that they are entitled to other peoples’ acceptance or forgiveness.
7. Rejection of Narcissistic Traits: A practical outcome of genuine repentance would be the narcissist ceasing to exhibit narcissistic traits such as cruelty, lack of empathy, and arrogance. Instead, they'd genuinely turn against their old ways, recognizing the detestable nature of their former attitudes and behaviors.
8. No-strings-attached Service: Serving others freely and selflessly without accepting anything in return instead of serving and then exploiting people or expecting some payback. Paul did not charge people for his ministry on purpose and worked as a tentmaker in order to support himself.

So these are some signs based on the life of Paul on what genuine repentance and change would look like.

It is important to remember that narcissism does not develop overnight. It is a construct that has been built over years, maybe even decades. So, it can take a prolonged amount of time to observe real, lasting change, even when God is at work. Nebuchadnezzar needed seven years to undergo some changes. In the initial stages of repentance, it is not wrong to approach the narcissist's claims of change with healthy skepticism, just as the disciples were initially cautious of Paul's transformation. There is a proverb that says, “The gullible believe anything they’re told; the prudent sift and weigh every word” (Proverbs 14:15). There is nothing wrong with observing a narcissist to see if he or she consistently demonstrates change over time. It is wise to test things out. The Bible also says, “test every spirit to see if it is from God” (1 John 4).

Related Resources

Watch the video version of this blog here. 

- Can Prayer Change a Narcissist? What Does the Bible Say? [Read] [Watch]

- Fake Apologies and How to Spot Them [Watch]

- When a Narcissist Loses Control Over You: 10 UNIQUE Things They Will Do [Watch]

- Can a Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real [Watch]

- Can God Heal a Narcissist? [Watch]

- What it Takes for a Narcissist to Change: The Narcissist's Wake-up Call. [Watch] 

 Find more resources in our topic-based catalog

Downloadable Resources 

• Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments Checklist 
• 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• How to Pray for a Narcissist Guide
• Healing from Gaslighting