How Therapy for the Narcissist Means Danger for You
Feb 12, 2025
Let’s face it: life is messy. Really messy. Everyone deals with trauma, and we all need to do healing work. However, many people—especially those with narcissistic tendencies—want healing on their own terms. They expect it to be fast, controllable, as painless as possible, and dignified. If it doesn’t come in the way they expect, they resist it hard–or reject it outright.
This mindset is exactly what almost kept Naaman, the great military commander in the Bible, from receiving his healing. As the commander of the Syrian army, he had everything—status, influence, and victories on the battlefield. But he also had leprosy. However, he expected a healing worthy of his status–something grand, dignified, special. But the great prophet Elisha, whom he had imagined coming to greet him with power and ceremony, didn’t even take the trouble to come out and meet him. Instead, he sent a servant messenger with a simple, humbling instruction:
"Go wash in the Jordan River seven times, and you will be healed." (2 Kings 5:10).
Naaman was furious. He had expected something spectacular, something befitting his rank and importance. The Jordan River wasn’t an impressive body of water, and this command felt beneath him.
"I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. Are not the rivers of Damascus better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?" (2 Kings 5:11-12).
In other words, “This is not how healing should look for someone like me.”
Like many narcissists, Naaman wanted healing—but only if it happened on his terms. His pride nearly cost him the very thing he had traveled so far to receive.
So why do narcissists struggle so much with healing? The answer lies in three key issues.
1. They Reject the Person God Uses to Bring Healing
Pride doesn’t just make a person think they’re better than others—it makes them unable to receive from anyone they don’t consider their equal or their superior. And that’s exactly why narcissists reject correction, even when it’s filled with truth and love.
Naaman’s first offense was that Elisha didn’t even greet him in person—he sent a mere messenger. To a man of Naaman’s rank, this felt like an insult.
Likewise, narcissists will often only listen to voices they deem worthy—a famous speaker, an admired mentor, or someone who validates their image. But if truth comes from a spouse, a friend, or even a child? It’s dismissed.
This is why trying to reason with a narcissist can feel pointless. It’s not that you lack wisdom. It’s that they don’t believe wisdom can come from you.
2. They Want Healing Without Transformation
Narcissists don’t want to change—they want to eliminate discomfort. They are goal-oriented when it comes to healing, which means their real motivation isn’t wholeness, it’s control.
This is why many narcissists will go to therapy—but only if they get to control the process. The moment the therapist challenges them, they quit. lf they do manage to stick it out for a while, they will eventually fire the therapist if he/she doesn’t reward them with praises and acknowledgement for all their “progress.” …Or if the therapy takes longer than they think it should. …Or if it isn’t getting them the result they wanted (such as the return of a spouse). The point is, narcissists are not looking for healing; they’re looking for reinforcement of their own reality.
A narcissist’s life—or their inner world—is like a carefully constructed rock garden. But instead of soft soil, this garden is filled with massive boulders, immovable and deeply embedded. These boulders are their entitlement, their grandiosity, their unwillingness to take responsibility, their need for control, and their deep-seated fear of vulnerability. These aren’t just behaviors—they are the structural foundation of how they navigate life and relationships. They may recognize that certain behaviors cause problems, but at their core, they believe these traits protect them. To remove these boulders would feel like annihilation—because beneath them, they fear there’s nothing left.
So, when a narcissist "pursues healing," what do they actually do?
Instead of dealing with these deep, immovable traits, they focus on pulling weeds—tweaking surface-level behaviors that don’t challenge their core identity. They might work on their temper, improve their social skills, or develop more effective ways to gain admiration. They might even plant flowers—giving to charity, talking about personal growth, or appearing more self-aware in public.
But the boulders stay untouched.
If a therapist, a spouse, or a friend suggests real change, such as developing true humility, taking full accountability, making restitution or serving others without expecting something in return, the narcissist will resist or abandon the process altogether.
Why? Because to them, real healing feels like destruction. It would require them to confront what lies beneath the boulders—something they’ve spent their entire lives avoiding: their deep-seated insecurity, shame, and inability to form genuine emotional connections.
Naaman almost missed his healing because he wanted Elisha to simply wave his hand over him. No effort. No humility. No obedience. But healing required action—action that made him uncomfortable.
Likewise, narcissists pursue surface-level self-improvement while avoiding heart-level transformation. They may be willing to prune the weeds, plant flowers, and even make the garden look beautiful from a distance—but they will not move the boulders.
And that’s why they stay stuck.
3. They Demand Healing on Their Terms
Naaman didn’t like the method of his healing. He was offended that he had to wash in the Jordan River—a dirty, unimpressive body of water. He believed he deserved something better.
Likewise, narcissists want healing to be:
✔ Quick – They don’t want to engage in a slow, reflective process. They want a fast-track solution that requires minimal effort.
✔ Effortless – Healing should not require them to wrestle with difficult emotions or confront painful truths about themselves.
✔ Image-Preserving – The process should not challenge their carefully crafted identity or expose vulnerabilities that could alter how others perceive them.
Because narcissists care deeply about how they are seen, any healing process that risks denting their self-image, revealing weakness, or making them appear "flawed" is usually rejected. They are not interested in a journey that requires self-examination or personal accountability—especially if it could make them look less admirable or competent in the eyes of others.
This is why many narcissists will pursue healing in acceptable, performative ways—reading books, talking about self-growth, or even attending therapy if it allows them to maintain control of the narrative. But if the process exposes inconvenient truths or challenges their sense of superiority, they disengage.
They want a miracle, not a process.
They want to be fixed, not be transformed.
And if healing requires them to surrender control over how they are perceived, they’d rather stay sick.
Why This Matters for You
If you’ve spent years hoping a narcissistic loved one would change, it may be time to ask yourself:
Are they seeking true healing, or are they simply looking for a way to regain control over their circumstances?
Do they desire genuine transformation, or are they only willing to engage in change as long as it allows them to maintain their self-image and avoid true vulnerability?
A narcissist may express a desire to grow, but growth on their terms often means reinforcing their existing worldview, not dismantling the core issues that drive their dysfunction. They may engage in self-improvement efforts that keep them in control of the process, but they will avoid any true accountability that requires them to examine their own destructive behaviors or take full ownership of their actions.
Naaman only received healing when he was willing to surrender—not just to the process, but to the truth that his way wasn’t the only way. Until he humbled himself and obeyed, his healing remained out of reach.
Likewise, until a narcissist is willing to surrender, they will never change.
Moving Forward
If you’ve been holding onto the hope that a narcissistic loved one will one day see the truth and change, it’s worth stepping back and asking: What has their pattern shown you?
Real transformation requires humility, self-examination, and a willingness to let go of control. But if someone only pursues healing in ways that allow them to preserve their self-image, maintain their authority, or dictate the terms of the process, then they aren’t seeking healing at all—they’re seeking a way to avoid true accountability.
It’s painful to accept, but many narcissists will never choose the path of genuine transformation because doing so would dismantle the very defenses they’ve built their lives around. They will talk about change, they will perform self-improvement, they will even convince themselves they are growing—so long as the process never requires them to face what’s buried under the surface.
But you don’t have to stay stuck in the waiting.
Naaman’s healing was available to him, but he had to let go of his entitlement, his pride, and his expectations about how healing should look. In the same way, your healing is available to you, too—but it begins when you stop waiting for your narcissist to change and start choosing freedom for yourself.
The truth is: you can’t make a narcissist surrender. But you can refuse to surrender to the illusion that they will.
Related Resources
- Why Narcissists Go from Bad to Worse: A Biblical Reality Check [Read] [Watch]
- Can God Heal a Narcissist? [Read] [Watch]
- Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]
- Hoovering or Genuine Change? 7 Ways to Test it Out After an Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
- Letter to the Pastor's (or Minister's) Wife [Read] [Watch]
- Why God Allows Toxic Relationships: 5 Ways He Uses Them for Good [Read] [Watch]
- Can you Reconcile with a Narcissist? What does the Bible Say about it? [Watch]
- Why You Feel Guilty For Setting Boundaries: 6 Lies the Narcissist Uses to Blame You for Your Needs [Read] [Watch]
- 5 Types of Boundaries You Need to Set with the Narcissist [Read] [Watch]
- Should you Forgive an Abuser 70 X 7 Times? How an Abuser Exploits & Weaponizes What the Bible Teaches about Forgiveness [Watch]
- Tempted to Get Revenge on the Narcissist? How God Deals with Someone Who Caused You So Much Pain [Watch]
- Three Keys to Navigate Transition [Watch]
Downloadable Resources
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