The #1 Spiritually Manipulative Phrase Narcissists Use to Control You

Narcissists are masters at disguising their manipulation with spiritual language to avoid accountability and shift blame while looking pious. Maybe you've encountered someone who professes to be a Christian, but they exhibit the traits of a narcissist more than they exhibit the traits of Christ. In this blog, I'm going to share the #1 spiritually manipulative phrase that narcissists use to get you under their control and avoid any accountability whatsoever.

Narcissists inherently believe that if you have a problem with them, it's because there's a problem with you. To them, they are above reproach, and any conflict or discomfort in the relationship is automatically attributed to your flaws, your insecurities, or your shortcomings. This mindset makes engaging with a narcissist incredibly draining and perplexing—it feels like you can never address the real issue.

So, how does this belief get cloaked in spiritually manipulative language?

Let me preface this by saying, if someone uses this line, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a narcissist or that they’re being spiritually manipulative. Sometimes, the statement could hold truth, and it might even be coming from a place of genuine care. Discernment is key here.

However, if someone consistently uses these lines as a pattern—every single time you bring up a concern, a grievance, or an issue—it’s a red flag. You could very well be dealing with the #1 spiritually manipulative phrase. I experienced this for years, and it’s devastatingly effective in silencing concerns and avoiding accountability.

Here’s the #1 spiritually manipulative phrase: “If you’re feeling hurt by me, perhaps God is revealing something in your heart that needs healing.”

There are also variations of this phrase, such as: “The Bible says to examine your own heart first—maybe this conflict is more about you than it is about me.”

“I think the enemy might be trying to sow division between us—let’s focus on where you might be letting him in.”

Why are these Phrases so Manipulative?

#1 - They deflect Responsibility.  They shifts the focus entirely away from the narcissist’s behavior. Instead of addressing the issue, they make it about your supposed shortcomings. The real issue gets buried under a pile of misplaced guilt and introspection.

#2 - They Spiritually Gaslight.  Narcissists misuse spiritual principles to make you doubt your perception of the situation. Suddenly, you’re questioning whether your hurt is even valid. They’ve planted the idea that you’re the problem—not their behavior.

#3 - They Silence Your Concerns.  By implying that you’re spiritually immature or flawed, they discourage you from bringing up concerns in the future. This creates an environment where they can continue their behavior unchecked.

What does a godly response look like? It’s rooted in humility, mutual accountability, and a willingness to reconcile. For example:

“If there’s something I’ve done to hurt you, I want to understand and address it.”

A Biblical Example:  Nathan Confronts King David

Let’s look at an incident in the Bible where the prophet Nathan confronts King David (2 Samuel 12). Here’s a quick summary:

David had committed a series of grave sins. He slept with Bathsheba, another man’s wife, and then tried to cover it up by orchestrating the death of her innocent and loyal husband, Uriah. God was deeply displeased, but David, hardened and blinded by his own actions, failed to recognize his sin.

To confront David, God sent Nathan the prophet, who delivered his message with profound wisdom and clarity. Nathan’s confrontation left David without excuse or defense—it was a powerful moment.

What’s remarkable about David is how he responded. Unlike many kings who silenced prophets through imprisonment or even execution (remember John the Baptist confronting King Herod), David humbled himself. He acknowledged his sin and repented.

Most kings in the Bible were narcissistic in their use of power, but David’s response shows us a contrast: a heart willing to turn back to God when confronted.

He never said, “If you’re feeling affected by this, maybe God is revealing some bitter or wounded areas in your own heart that you need to look into.” He didn’t deflect, spiritualize, or try to silence Nathan. Instead, David humbly admitted his sin, saying, “I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Samuel 12:13).

This response demonstrates true accountability. David could have shifted blame or justified himself, but he chose repentance and humility. This stands in stark contrast to the manipulative tactics of deflection and spiritual gaslighting often seen in narcissistic people.

If you can relate to these phrases being used on you—maybe by a professing Christian, a spiritual leader, or even a spouse—and this is a pattern, meaning that anytime you raise issues or concerns, they shift the blame back onto you while rarely or never self-reflecting, taking responsibility, showing genuine empathy, or making tangible efforts to change their behavior… you could be dealing with a sophisticated spiritual manipulator.

Practical Steps to Overcome Spiritual Manipulation

So what can you do if you recognize this happening?

1. Seek God’s wisdom and clarity through prayer, asking Him to reveal the truth about the situation.
2. Reflect on patterns of behavior and write them down—this can help you identify recurring manipulation tactics and see the situation more clearly.
3. When the opportunity arises, bring up these patterns directly—if it feels safe to do so. For example, you might say, 'I’ve noticed a pattern where, when I bring up concerns, the conversation often shifts to examining my heart or actions. It feels like this deflects from addressing the specific issue at hand. Can we focus on resolving the concern I’ve raised?' By highlighting the behavior and naming the pattern, you make it harder for the manipulator to dismiss your concerns or derail the discussion.
4. Anchor Yourself in Truth: Alongside these practical steps, remind yourself of what is true. Write down affirmations or scriptures that counter the manipulation, such as: “I am not responsible for someone else’s refusal to take accountability” or “God values reconciliation built on truth and mutual respect, not one-sided blame.” Meditating on these truths will help strengthen your resolve and protect your peace.
5. Set healthy boundaries to protect your heart and emotional well-being, and don’t hesitate to reach out for wise counsel or support from trusted people who can guide you biblically and practically.
6. You may also need to evaluate whether continued engagement with the individual is safe or aligned with God’s will for your life.

Remember, God calls us to live in freedom and peace, not under the burden of manipulation and control.

Watch the video version of this blog here.

Related Resources

• How to Discern a False Shepherd from a Real One. [Read]
• Why Narcissists Love Religion: 10 Ways they Use It to Serve their Own Purpose. [Watch]
• Can You Be A Narcissist and Follow God? What Does the Bible Teach? [Watch]
• Malignant Narcissists in Ministry: How to Spot Their Covert Tactics [Watch] [Read]
• Can God Speak Through a Narcissist? How to Tell and How to Safeguard Yourself Against Deception [Read] [Watch]
• 10 Subtle Signs of Spiritual Abuse: How to Spot a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. [Read] [Watch]
• 7 Steps to Leave a Toxic Church Unscathed [Read] [Watch] 

Downloadable Resources 

• Checklist: Signs of Spiritual Abuse or Cultish Environments
• Checklist: 20 Signs that You Might Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
• Guide: How to Pray for a Narcissist
• Prayer: Healing from Gaslighting
• E-book: 7 Steps to Spot a Narcissist