They Seem to Have Changed. Can I Trust it?
Nov 12, 2024Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who made you question your worth, manipulated your emotions, lied to you, and left you feeling invisible and small?
After enduring the cycle of control, criticism, and chaos, perhaps you finally found the courage to walk away. But now, that same person is reaching out, insisting they’ve changed and asking for another chance.
They might be telling you about the counseling they’ve started or the inner healing work they’ve done. Maybe they’re attending Bible studies, committing to church, becoming accountable to others, and even apologizing profusely for everything they put you through.
As someone who loves God and deeply believes in His power to heal and transform hearts, you might find yourself thinking, "Could this be real? Could they have truly changed?"
But how can you know for sure—especially when this is someone with a history of not following through, reverting to old patterns, and leaving you hurt all over again?
Understanding the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
When you’ve been in a relationship with someone who operates out of narcissistic patterns, the harm they cause goes far deeper than surface-level wounds. Narcissistic abuse isn’t just about occasional mistakes or arguments—it’s a repeated, destructive cycle that targets your identity and sense of worth.
Over time, their behavior can leave you feeling emotionally depleted, questioning your own judgment, and even doubting your ability to hear from God clearly. You may have experienced:
A loss of confidence in your decisions, as their manipulation made you second-guess your own instincts.
A diminished sense of worth, feeling invisible or inadequate because of their constant criticism or emotional neglect.
Spiritual confusion, as they may have distorted or weaponized Scripture to justify their actions or keep you under their control.
This kind of damage doesn’t just disappear because someone says they’ve changed. The Bible warns us about those who “honor God with their lips, but their hearts are far from Him” (Matthew 15:8). True transformation involves more than apologies—it requires a heart-level change that is evident over time and through consistent actions.
When Change Feels Real but Isn't
In this blog, I’ll guide you through how to discern whether someone has truly changed from the inside out. There are 4 practical tests that will provide the clarity you need, and together, we’ll walk through each one.
Let’s start by simplifying the core issue. Narcissism isn’t new—it’s been around since the beginning of time. Thankfully, the Bible offers wisdom for handling these challenging relationships that is as relevant today as it was centuries ago.
To truly understand what’s inside a person, we need to look beyond appearances and focus on the condition of their heart. As it says in 1 Samuel 16:7: “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
This is especially crucial when dealing with someone who has a history of manipulation or narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists are often like chameleons, skilled at changing their external behavior to create the illusion of transformation. They may say all the right things and even act differently, but the real question is: Does this behavior come from a genuinely transformed heart, or is it just a tactic to regain control?
True change isn’t about appearances or words—it’s about the heart behind the behavior. Discernment requires us to look deeper, beyond surface-level improvements, and evaluate whether their actions reflect lasting character growth or merely another layer of deception.
So how can you tell if their change is real or just another tactic? The key lies in observing how they respond when their transformation is truly tested. Moments of challenge—like disappointment, delay, disagreement, or denial—often reveal what’s beneath the surface.
To help you navigate this, I’ll walk you through these 4 critical tests, known as the 4 D’s: Disappointment, Delay, Disagreement, and Denial.
1. Disappointment
How does this person handle disappointment? Disappointment is a powerful test because it reveals how someone reacts when they don’t get their way. A person who truly respects you will manage their disappointment without resorting to guilt, manipulation, or anger.
Someone who hasn’t truly changed might sulk, lash out, or use guilt to make you feel responsible for their unhappiness. For instance, they might say, "After all this work I’ve done, you owe me trust," or, "You’re so ungrateful—I can’t win with you." They may exaggerate their efforts to gain sympathy or compliance, positioning themselves as the victim and making you feel like the villain for not meeting their expectations. Even if they appear calm, they might subtly punish you with passive-aggressive comments, withholding affection, or creating an underlying tension.
In contrast, a genuinely changed person will approach disappointment with grace and respect. They might say something like, "I’m disappointed, but I respect your decision. Thank you for being honest with me." This response shows emotional maturity and a willingness to honor your boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable for them. Managing disappointment with humility and understanding is a strong indicator of true growth and transformation.
2. Delay
Delay is another critical test. Are they patient with your process, or are they rushing to "fix" the relationship on their timeline?
Someone who hasn’t truly changed might become visibly irritated or impatient, questioning your commitment or accusing you of being unfair. They might say things like, "How much longer are you going to punish me?" or, "I’ve already done everything you asked—what else do you want?" These responses reveal their focus on regaining control rather than respecting your need for time to rebuild trust.
In some cases, they might initially offer reassurances but later apply pressure with reminders of their supposed sacrifices. For example, they might say, "I’ve been waiting for so long—I don’t think I can take this anymore." These statements often expose entitlement and a lack of true patience.
In contrast, a genuinely changed person understands that healing and trust take time. They might say, "I understand this will take time, and I’m committed to doing the work no matter how long it takes." This response reflects humility, patience, and a willingness to prioritize your healing over their own timeline.
Importantly, genuine transformation never pressures you to trust before you are ready. True change recognizes that the rebuilding of trust must happen at your pace, based on consistent actions and your sense of safety—not on their expectations. A truly changed person creates an environment where healing feels possible but never coerced.
3. Disagreement
Disagreement can be a powerful way to reveal whether someone is truly open to new perspectives or still stuck in their need to dominate. Imagine you disagree about parenting, finances, or even their behavior—how they respond speaks volumes about their character.
Someone who hasn’t truly changed might react with defensiveness, dismissiveness, or even anger. They may say things like, "You’re always against me," or, "You’re being overly sensitive." In some cases, they may stonewall the conversation altogether, refusing to engage further and leaving you feeling unheard and invalidated.
Others might pretend to listen but later twist your words to make it seem like you’re in the wrong. For example, they might say, "I tried to listen, but you just don’t make any sense," or subtly undermine your perspective, chipping away at your confidence and self-assurance.
In contrast, a genuinely changed person will approach disagreement with curiosity and humility. They might say, "I didn’t see it that way before. Thank you for sharing your perspective—I’ll think about it." This kind of response demonstrates a willingness to honor your voice, create space for understanding, and value your input, even if they don’t entirely agree.
4. Denial
Denial—the refusal to give them what they want—is often the ultimate test. This is where their true motivations and character come into sharp focus.
When faced with denial, someone who hasn’t genuinely changed might react with anger, coercion, or guilt trips. They may say things like, "After everything I’ve done, you’re still punishing me?" or, "This just proves you don’t care about me at all." Their response may escalate into pressuring, shaming, or emotionally exhausting you as they attempt to wear down your boundaries.
This kind of reaction exposes a deeper issue: they are not trusting God with your healing or their own life. Instead of surrendering to God’s timing and wisdom, they take matters into their own hands, trying to control the process and force the outcome they want. By dictating how you should heal or how the relationship should unfold, they are essentially placing themselves in God’s position—seeking to control what only He can rightly guide. This need to dominate, rather than trust, is a form of idolatry: replacing reliance on God’s sovereignty with their own will and agenda.
Even if their initial reaction seems calm, their behavior might later shift to subtle forms of retaliation. They might undermine your decisions, withdraw support, or keep a mental "scorecard" to use as leverage in future situations. These actions reveal that their so-called change is still conditional and rooted in self-interest and control.
In contrast, a truly changed person demonstrates humility and surrender to God. They recognize that healing and restoration are ultimately in His hands, not theirs. When denied something they want, they will respect your boundaries and honor your decisions without pushing back or retaliating. They might say something like, "I’m disappointed, but I respect your decision and trust God to guide us both."
This kind of response reflects a genuine transformation of character, marked by a deep trust in God’s timing and goodness. They understand that true healing cannot be rushed or forced and are willing to let God lead the process without trying to take control. A truly changed person prioritizes faith over outcomes, trusting that God’s plan is always better than their own.
The Reinvention Trap
Here’s something critical to understand: narcissists are masters at reinventing themselves. They can dramatically change their outward behavior, appearance, or habits to create the illusion of transformation. Like a snake shedding its skin, they may take up new hobbies, adopt new routines, or even appear more involved in community or spiritual activities. But unless they’ve addressed the deep-seated issues driving their toxic behavior, the person underneath remains the same.
On the surface, these changes might look impressive. They may lose weight, quit an addiction, or start volunteering at church. They might even speak the language of humility and growth. But without genuine accountability, a willingness to take responsibility, and consistent inner change, these adjustments are often superficial and aimed at convincing you to trust them again.
To discern whether their reinvention is authentic, ask yourself:
- Are these changes focused on personal growth and genuine transformation, or do they seem designed to win me back?
- Are their actions consistent and sustainable, even when no one is watching or praising them?
- How do they treat others, especially those who can’t benefit them or those they’ve wronged in the past?
True transformation isn’t just about surface-level improvements; it’s about lasting change rooted in humility and accountability. Look for evidence of a softened heart, a willingness to repair broken relationships, and actions that align with their words. Don’t be fooled by external shifts that mask internal stagnation. Real change is visible not just in what they do but in why and how they do it.
Still Unsure?
To discern whether someone has truly changed, it’s essential to look beyond how they treat you and examine the broader impact of their behavior.
1. Have They Made Amends with Others?
True change involves taking full responsibility for harm done—not just to you, but to others they’ve hurt along the way. A genuinely transformed person will actively seek to repair broken relationships, showing a willingness to make things right, regardless of the personal cost. This could look like:
Offering sincere apologies without expecting anything in return.
Making restitution or taking meaningful steps to rebuild trust where possible.
Acknowledging the specific ways their actions hurt others, without minimizing or deflecting blame.
If, on the other hand, they are still leaving a trail of unresolved conflicts, broken relationships, or bitterness, it’s a clear sign their change may be superficial. True repentance involves humility and courage to address the full extent of their actions—not just what’s convenient or advantageous to them.
2. How Do They Speak About Others?
Pay close attention to how they talk about people who might influence or support you—such as a pastor, counselor, or trusted friend. Are they:
Tearing others down? Criticizing those individuals might be an attempt to undermine their credibility and isolate you from sources of wisdom and accountability.
Deflecting blame? Shifting the focus onto others—claiming those people are biased, unfair, or don’t understand them—can indicate a refusal to take personal responsibility.
Speaking with humility? In contrast, a truly changed person will speak respectfully, even about those who challenge or critique them. Their words will reflect a desire for peace and reconciliation, not control or division.
This distinction is vital. Proverbs 16:28 warns, "A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends." If they’re still stirring up conflict, sowing division, or attempting to turn you against people who are helping you heal, it’s a significant red flag that deeper change hasn’t taken place.
True Change Takes Time
True transformation isn’t proven in a matter of weeks or even months—it’s revealed over time through consistent actions, not promises or declarations. A genuinely changed person will demonstrate:
- Humility: A willingness to accept responsibility without defensiveness.
- Patience: An understanding that rebuilding trust cannot be rushed.
- Selflessness: A commitment to your healing, even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable for them.
It’s important—and absolutely okay—to take your time to observe. You are not obligated to rush back into a relationship just because someone says they’ve changed. Pressure to “move on” or “forgive quickly” often prioritizes their comfort over your safety and healing. But Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, "Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Taking the time to rebuild trust is not an act of punishment—it’s wisdom and stewardship of your well-being.
A Practical Step for Clarity
To help you navigate this process, consider keeping a journal of their actions over time. This isn’t about being overly critical or holding grudges—it’s about objectively observing patterns. Pay special attention to key moments when they face disappointment, delay, disagreement, or denial. Write down:
- What happened in the situation.
- How they reacted outwardly.
- Any underlying tone, attitude, or behavior you noticed.
Over time, patterns will emerge. Do their responses consistently reflect humility, patience, and genuine growth? Or do they default to manipulation, entitlement, or anger when things don’t go their way? Genuine transformation is steady, selfless, and visible over time. Continued manipulation, however, reveals unresolved issues that haven’t truly been addressed.
Why This Matters
This exercise allows you to step back from the emotional intensity of the moment and reflect with wisdom. Proverbs 3:21-22 reminds us, "Preserve sound judgment and discernment; do not let them out of your sight. They will be life for you." Journaling provides clarity and insight, helping you prayerfully evaluate whether the person is bearing the fruit of true repentance or merely performing a convincing façade of change.
- Are you wanting to recover your identity after coming out of a narcissistic relationship? Consider enrolling for my 12-week group coaching program starting in January, 2025. Spots are limited. Click here to learn more.
- If you are thinking of leaving, or have left a toxic environment and are in a season of transition, check out my free training on 3 three keys to navigate difficult transitions successfully. Each of these things brought so much breakthrough in my life.
- Can Narcissists Genuinely Repent? What the Bible Says about a Narcissist’s Transformation [Read] [Watch]
- When a Narcissist Loses Control Over You - 10 Unique Things They Will Do. [Watch] [Read]
- When You Leave Them, 10 Ways They Will Gaslight You [Watch]
- How to Discern and Resist this Diabolical Manipulation [Watch]
- Dishonest Remorse: 5 Crafty Ways that Narcissists Try to Make You Think They're Sorry [Read] [Watch]
- Can A Narcissist Change? 10 Ways to Tell if Their Repentance is Real. [Watch]
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